Life is short

Ever since I started driving, my very "illustrative" imagination has not helped much to ease my pessimism.  

I remember dreaming a week after I got my license that I was driving with my family on a flyover until suddenly I hit the divider and we fell. It gave me a phobias of flyovers. Still think about it whenever I drive no and then.  

Since I've been able to drive, I've almost knocked down two people. One guy was drunkish looking and he just walked down the road like he owned it.  I horned at him thinking he would jump and run away (I was naive).  The most stupid thing I did was that I kept on going until I realized that he wasn't going to stop. I slammed the breaks then... Another guy almost became my first road accident when he tripped over the sidewalk to the road I was on.  I almost took his life....

They say that your life flashes before your eyes when you are dying.  I had something like that. I felt their (or what I imagined it to be) life flash before my eyes before I hit them.  Maybe it's a normal thing, but still that thought of almost taking another life is beyond my imagining.  Even if it was an accident, I think I would feel guilty until my deathbed.  

Life is fragile.  That's the truth.  At any one time, at any one place, at any one moment, something can come and take away your life.  Sometimes we have a chance to save ourselves, sometimes we don't, and sometimes we have a chance of saving others.  You watch those hero movies where the hero risks his life for the people and sacrifices his life in the end, and I want to be that type of person. I am an altruist.  I believe that my life is nothing compared to others, but I don't know when I'm put into the position of choosing between saving my life and saving others, will I succumb to the very nature that makes me human, or would I stand firm in my believes.  

A question to ponder about, until IF EVER I meet such a junction in my life...

Baby Jesus

Merry Christmas!

Since it's Christmas, I guess it's great to see everyone singing carols of that baby in the manger who was born to save the world.  Sweet little Jesus, born to be our king. There's nothing wrong with it, I mean, it's great that so many people are singing about the Lord's birth (Though, some people don't even know who they are singing about).

BUT

He has risen! He's not only that baby boy that was born 2000 years ago, but also the king who has risen and has given hope for all of mankind! Let's celebrate not only His birth, but also His death.  We sing in carols that He has come to save the word, but He HAS saved the world!

Jesus lived a full life on Earth let's remember that He is not only the baby in the manger, but also our risen Saviour!

Blessed Christmas!

Nothing like this

Came back from the PK camp revived with a passion that I've lost :) As I think back about those short three days, I don't remember much except for the thick and mighty presence of God.  He lives! I've never felt Him so real and so clearly before and there's just nothing like this.

God is great and I was amazed at the moment the first session started.  The worship was nothing I've ever experienced or ever thought possible. I want to bring this worship to my church now. I'm amazed at the miracles of the camp.

I found it great to be with people that have similar struggles... it's great to know that you are not the only one.  I'm amazed at the number of PKs there are!

It's definitely one of the most influential camps I've ever attended and I know that I am changed...I'm doing my best to be the person He wants me to be!

After a week since the camp, I cannot say that I have been a perfect and holy person and that I did not sin and all, but I'm more aware of my faults now. Everytime I make a "boo-boo" I realize it quickly and try to patch it up.  I'm now not afraid to apologize anymore; my ego (which many of you who know me know that it's pretty huge) has died down.

I'm waiting on the LORD and I am continuing to doubt my doubts! :)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart :)

It wasn't last Christmas; it was two Christmas' ago. It wasn't during Christmas; it was close though. :)

I was rash and tried to rush things through. 

You were wise and saw the truth.

I was naive and moved without thinking.

You were hurt and busy coping.

Well, that was my past.  When I did things without thinking and now I regret.  Well, I know that we will never be, but you will always be my "almost".  I finally deleted our messages this year and I'm ready to stop regretting.  I want to thank you for showing that I have a chance in life. I want to thank you for actually considering a young and naive fool like me. I want to thank you for showing me what it means to wait. I really mean it: THANK YOU :) 

I will miss the times when we danced and sms'd all day, but they will be cherished memories :)

Happy 19th birthday, girl girl (haha...now I realize how childish was I to give you that name) and I hope that you find a good person who'll take good care of you. :D

Harsh Reality

When you are the law, who's above you?

Watched the Experiment. It's a movie version of the famous Zimbardo prison experiment that took place in Stanford College.  The difference with this movie is that the recruits were anybody who wanted money and the place was far from any civilization.  This movie is super disturbing especially for me as I know what happened during the real experiment.  

Some of the questions that are jumping around my head are: Since we know about this experiment, would the results be the same if there was a similar experiment on social roles?, Could things have gone better if the prisoner and guards were assigned opposite?, Why didn't the experimenters stop the experiment earlier?

I was hoping that the red light would turn on so many times, but the movie kept on going. When the red light finally blinked, I could feel the relief of everybody there. It reminds me of the movie Lord of the Flies. Both these movies are there to show what humanity is capable of at our darkest moments and this in particular scares me the most.  Can I still depend on friends to save me when we are all in trouble? Can I count on myself to put others before me? 

It's not really a good movie to watch when you want to sleep ><

Tuesday

Tuesday marks the end of my first year in degree.  I'm glad with the people that I've met, the experiences that I went through, and also the past that remained faithful.

It's hard to believe that it's been three semesters already with this bunch of fun people.  I've never really thought that I would make such a big difference in such a big intake.  I thought I'd be the quiet nerd who would sit in front of the class and listen attentively to the lecture.  I never thought that I would make so many friends from all walks of life.  I never thought that I would have the chance to do so many things. I never thought that I would go out so much. I never knew that I would be one of the more recognizable ones in the intake. I never knew that we could grow so close to fast.  I never knew that I would fall on the first day. I never knew that I'd change so much. I never knew that this degree life was going to be such an influence.

To recap the year, I can see that I've changed from being exclusive to being inclusive. I remember in the beginning of the first semester how the foundation gang was so exclusive. But soon we opened up to more people.  it started with those who would sit around us, and soon we kinda expanded.  I remember how I personally met up with everyone of the degree-mates, if you don't remember you can ask me :)

The only sad result of the second semester was the withdrawal of my best mate, and I was forced to do things on my own, but I guessed it was for the good. I needed to stop depending too much on people.  During the second semester I sat with two different groups and was shifting between the two a lot. I guess it's a good thing to widen your field of friends, but the walking was a little too much.

Though the third semester barely changed anything, I can see that the experiences that I have learnt this year has helped me to be better in many ways.  I'm not socially awkward anymore (Well, not too much anymore). I'm definitely more confident around people and my introvertness seems to be balancing with my extroversion now.

Sadly, many will be going overseas, but hopefully we won't be forgotten :)

It's a wonder that the time has passed by so fast.  And I know that the next two years will be marked with just more and more fun as we grow closer :)

Cheers to a better year!

The new hair

...I dun really like it, but it has its benefits. Benefits like not having to wait too long for it to dry, not needing to scrub my head so much anymore, and feeling cooler. These are the only biological benefits, but I like the physical benefits more.

The comments from people the day I cut it was funny.  There were some who couldn't even look me in the eye because they were too busy looking at my hair. Another funny incident is when I tapped someone on the shoulder and he stared at me for awhile before realizing it was me. HAHA...I'm starting to like that.  Maybe I should continually change my hair style...in this way I'll get so much more attention :P

Well, the feedback is more positive than negative - only positive come to think of it.  The only problem with this hairstyle is maintenance.  When I'm lazy and let it be, it'll just stand in all the wrong places.  Oh well, it's the price I pay I guess.

Well more importantly, I'm really glad that you like it :) That was more than enough for me to decide to keep this hairstyle. I think I should have changed much much much earlier.  From all the compliments I'm getting I think I'm gonna keep this :D

I won't post any pictures up, you want to see, you come to me x)

With you, it's nothing but awkwardness

I hope you'll never read this, or when you do, you're already mine *dreams*

It's been a year since we met.  I was the first person who spotted you when you walked into that orientation room.  How could I have known that you were already taken? Of course, with you being so pretty and all, I should have known.  Eh, I was stupid.  It's funny that Hevind called dibs first and we were like fighting for who gets to talk to you first, but being the good guy he is, he passed his "dibs" to me.  But it took almost an entire semester before we really started talking.

At first, I waited for you to appear on Facebook.  When I saw your "In a relationship" status on Facebook, I rationalized and said that maybe you didn't want guys to chase after you, but when I found your second account, in which it said "in a relationship with ____, I didn't know how to react.

I tried my best to be your friend, maybe trying too hard. I actually wonder whether you noticed it at some point, but maybe all guys speak to you like that :/

I remember always checking the online friends on facebook for your name to pop up.  I'd wait for five minutes, before talking to you (just in case, I became too obvious) - Talking to you was the most productive thing I did in Malaysian studies :) We had our 1st lunch ever in Chillax. I remember that I found out a lot about you there.  I'd always go to the library to pester you because I would know where you'd be hiding.  I remember walking you to the library and helping you carry your things because you were not used to your heels.  I remember asking you to eat many times and actually inviting myself to lunch with you at UOA (The first time we ate together alone).  I remember a lot of things...

After these months, I can conclude that it'll be pretty awkward always around you. Mainly because I don't want you to hate me. I'm planning everything I say to you.  

I'm not going to ruin the happiness you've found with your partner. I'm not even going to try.  I don't want to be the reason to end your happiness.  I won't do anything, but be your friend.  

If ever (a super duper big humongous gigantic IF, but I hope it'll never happen because it means your broken heart) you find yourself alone, I will try then.  But as a friend first. 

Here's to another year together. I wish nothing but the best for you :) 

Tension in the air

The whole family is stressed now...because one person is stressed.

Until this tension is over, we practically do our best not to interfere with anybody.
We seem to be living separate lives now.

Doesn't seem right...I don't like this kind of freedom :/

I really hope this tension will stop soon

--------------------

On a brighter note, the weeks have been blowing past rather amusingly fast.

I'm starting to fit in, I'm starting to feel belonged, but it's not easy...it never was.

Meeting people from all walks of life and having to cope with various situations has actually left me emotionally drained.  I realized that I can't cry anymore...we'll according to some people, that's a good thing.  I don't find joy in many things anymore. LAME jokes are not as lame as they used to be and humor seems to be lacking.  I have no idea why I feel this monotonous issue.  It's like I don't like to exist anymore.  I'm fed up with monotonousity (if that is a word). I'm bored of everything.  The schedules, the routines.  I'm tired of planning. 

I wonder why? I have never been a happening person to begin with, so why the tension? Even though I'm having tons of me-time, I still have not have any personal time.  I tell myself I'll do something productive today (The biggest lie I've told).  My mind just doesn't want to work.  It doesn't want to move. Am I tired? Frustrated? If so, from what? 

From? 

The girl that I have just given up trying to get?

The family that is going through some tension?

The university and all the schedules and expectations?

The church and all the responsibilities?

Myself for all laziness and time wasting?

The friends that I wear masks in front of?

The smile that I force upon my face?

The lack of sleep?

My kayu and robotic-ness?

...

Gah, too many factors to rule out one at a time

Time to sleep before I spill too much

Urgent

This writer is looking for a bunch of friends and a trip away from the schedule of life before he explodes because of monotonousness...

Getting less sleep even though I have less stress.  It's not the stress anymore, it's the lack of interaction.  I want to just hang out without an agenda.  Just a bunch of trustable people and nothing more.

I don't want to plan everyday, I want to spend everyday thinking: "Hmmm, what can I do today?"

The Awkward moment when...

This phrase is like the new and "hip" thing to say nowadays.  I don't like people who simply use the phrase.  I mean, sometimes things are not awkward at all.  Do these people even know what "awkward" actually means?
The word has been overused recently that saying it has made it kinda annoying.

Sometimes it has gone overboard like.

The awkward moment when...

...I dropped a chopstick.

...I saw my reflection.

...I broke a pencil lead??

I mean, catching your friend staring at you is not an awkward moment.

Now to another extreme: I know a few people who are really ANNOYED at the phrase. I mean, why get so worked up over words? It's only words and words are all I have to take...wait...off topic much?

Yes, it's just words! Don't get white hair over this mess.

I really feel that though, yes, it can get kinda bad sometimes, "The awkward moment..." is just a phrase.

This phrase is really useful for certain situations like:

"The awkward moment when the girl you likes asked you whether you had a boyfriend"

Now THAT was awkward :)

Who am I to you?

"Opinionated people never get heard; impulsive people never get the job done" 

The counselling sessions I've been having going for has really helped me to understand myself better.  I would love to share what I've learnt about myself, but that will only bore people to death.  

Things that I've discovered about myself:

1. I long for acceptance.

I compromise myself so that others would want to be with me.  I have a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection is also the reason for my need for knowledge.  The knowledge that I have gathered over the years was only for the sake of others.  I thought that knowing things would make people more interested in you...guess that hypothesis is flawed.  I'll walk a thousand miles just to keep my family and friends safe.  

This insecurity came from a mash-up of a few unrelated factors.  The first factor is my personality which is dominantly melancholic.  The second factor is the schooling environment I was brought up in which didn't give me many opportunities to socialize and the last factor is the fact that my family was in the process of searching for a new church.  Other people who go through the same schooling environment as me, have their religious institutions to help them mature, but I didn't have a stable group of friends at the time so this is why I prize acceptance above all.  I'm grateful for the friends that I have made since settling down in PJEFC and entering HELP.  They have tremendously helped me to feel more accepted.

2. I'm confused.

Mainly confused with my role in the family.  This has to do with the "Christian-Chinese" parenting I come from and also to do with me being a middle child.  The confusion happens when I have to balance being the "man of the house" and having an older sister.  

Another reason for confusion arises from my "Swan/Owl" personality.  The swan symbolizes creativity, impulsiveness, and emotion, while the owl symbolizes order, melancholy, and stability.  See the confusion there? According to a personality test, these two "birds" are on the same level in me.  So while the owl side fights for planning, my swan side yells impulse.  Rather confusing having these two personalities as my dominant ones.

That's all.  More and I'll probably start revealing too much :)

Young and Naive

These two words normally come hand in hand with each other.  Does that mean all youths are naive? Does that mean naivety can be only found in the young? Sure the youth tend to be naive at some point in time.  Sure, once  upon a time, we never questioned.  I mean I can't remember asking questions like "Who said that and is he or she credible?" Well, I didn't even know what credibility meant when I was young.  Everything was black and white.  It was either a truth or a lie.  I failed to ask, "why?" And it is only when you start questioning everything that you start developing a critical mind.

I vaguely remember being scolded for being curious.  When my parents asked me to get into the car, I would ask, "Where are we going?" When my parents told me that I could not do something, I would ask, "How come?" I was told to obey and maybe this is how naivety was developed? I do not know.

I find many people my age to be naive as well.  We seem to be mp3 players playing the same song over again. We rarely develop our own ideas and points, and we "borrow" ideas from people which we think are of authority.  Many of us claim that we are not naive but the funny thing is that claiming that you are not naive is being naive already.

So how are we to prove that we are matured? Mere words will not do.  People will always have a negative mindset catered towards the youth.  People will always think that the youths are naive. People will always think that we believe every word they say.  So how does that stop? Our actions must show that we are not naive.  We have to (I know it sounds cliche) think critically and maybe teach the world that stereotyping is not helpful at all.  We have to show the world that we can think for ourselves and know when to back down. We have to be matured and maybe others would bother listening to us.

Is it naive of me to think that naivety can be so easily broken?

Question everything; question everyone

Reality struck

"Reality is God's tool in showing you who's really in charge"

These past few weeks has been a blow on me...it's never easy loosing.  I've been feeling rather useless.  Loosing people and getting things stolen has really made me question my purpose.  What am I doing in this life? Sigh, I'm not sure of anything anymore...Four things happened that spurred me to write - write about reality.

I once thought that people could be trusted

My sister lost her phone in Uni.  I wasn't affected by it but I was more shocked at where it happened.  I mean it happened IN a University, IN an exam hall.  You could afford or at least deserve a scholarship to attend a private university.  Yet! You chose to steal?! You are in there to learn!? What are you gonna learn when you can even learn proper moral conduct? I mean, you probably KNOW who you stole from.  I hope your guilty conscience eats you up....really.  Until you can't eat or sleep unless you gave back what you stole.  People can't be trusted - that's the sad reality.  When opportunities arise, your emotions don't matter.  People are selfish.

I once thought that this Country was safe

My friend's car got broken into.  Sure, it was a mistake for him to leave his bag in the car. Sure, it was bound to happen.  But in a CITY? A "so-called" CIVILIZED area? Of all the times, you chose to steal, you chose to steal when he was MY guest?! I can't hate you, I don't know your background, but still, I can hope that guilt overcomes you as well! He was my guest! I brought him to that place. The fault is partly mine.  Reality has a funny way of bursting your safety bubble.  

An Uncle I'll never say Hi to

Uncle Raymond passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was a good man.  All it took was a heart attack and he was gone.  I mean where's the justice in that? He deserved to have his family at his bedside as he said his farewells.  It's sad that I've lost another family member.  And the worst part about it is that I've never spoken to him as far as I can remember.  What's worst? Knowing an uncle who died, or never having the chance to speak to him?  This is my fault, for not initializing the conversation. Again reality woke me up.

Logos Hope

Thankfully, this last incident is not a depressing one.  A few volunteers came from Logos Hope to CUG and they shared about their time travelling the world and spreading the Word through education.  I was challenged that day.  What was I doing when these people can heed the Great Commission while I go out on my own heeding my OWN Commission.  What am I doing with this God that saved me?  I'm not sure what my plan is now.  But I'm thinking of pausing my education after my degree and maybe serve God and seek His calling.  

These events has been a rather big eye-opener.  I know I act like it doesn't affect me outside, but I mean - I'm human.  Life is important and I hate to see things go... These two weeks have thought me that - above every single thing in this large universe - God is in control. I've been depending on myself for too long. I've told God where to sit in my life.  I've been in charge of this life for too long and it's time a different Captain directs this life.  I've never felt so helpless in my life.  I was never prepared for these situations...

Eh

Don't feel like updating about my life anymore...

Don't feel like using this blog anymore...

Well, until I ever have the will to write again...

Sigh

Never felt so helpless in my life, God please give me strength to end this chapter.  


It was supposed to be a good week, it was supposed to be good...and lousy people have to ruin it.  I didn't know that this country was still so uncivilized. Have we progressed? How is it that people who can afford to enter a private university have the need to steal a handphone? How is it that people for live in a city have a need to break a window? 


Is there security left in this world? Are we still safe here? Is is better of to die now? Sigh.
Hate being useless...

ASDFGHJK!!!

STOP BEING A CONTROL FREAK AND LET ME LIVE MY LIFE ON MY OWN!!!!
Sometimes the best thing you can do is to just shut up and ignore...pokerface.

You've ruined my GOOD! day twice in a row...thank you so much for that...
It's actually quite a wonder that you don't get the hint at all...just leave me and my business alone!!


It's funny that I was just telling others that I have chosen to let you go to the camp on your own to give you space. Now I think I need the space more than you!.  Just be a good sister and stop trying to force your way into my life...stop trying to force me to do things your way.  Be a good sister and let me grow up myself.  v




I was telling a friend that you and I clash well...now you seem to be the trigger for it all...


Give me a soundproof room and I'll make sure you hear me on the other side...it's not like I have enough nonsense on my plate already!

Sometimes al you need is:

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Updates

"We are a bunch of random people that make up the world, it's still a journey finding where I can fit in."

I actually thought of stopping this blog for 14 weeks..but then it hit me that...THIS IS MY PERSONAL BLOG.

If I don't update this, I'm actually killing PERSONAL time and replacing it with work.  Well, so I shan't stop, but I won't update as regularly as before la...

So my life has been getting worryingly indescribable.  Over the long break, I've lost touch with a lot of people and actually at life itself...it felt awkward going back to class and saying HI to everybody all over again - after all we knew each other already.  

Another reason why I feel weird is the fact that 8 months has already passed.  EIGHT MONTHS! It moved so fast! I can't believe that I've been friends with the psychos for already so long. I'm really glad that we are getting tight and close...much much faster than I expected. 

Things seem to be picking up...I'm not that socially awkward kid anymore :) 

Well...not as I used to be at least...

Still need to find meself an AP...but I think the best decision is not to look for one, because God would give me one if I need one..I guess

HEHE...so many things are happening! So forgive the random blurting of things :P

Silence

For the next 14weeks, I'm not gonna update much. Most of my updates will be found here: http://pioneerinspired.blogspot.com/ :)

Support me! :)

Why the fear?

Today I've realized the reason for my fear in...everything.
I always thought my pessimism was due to the introverted melancholic in me but now I know it's not the ONLY reason. Sure my temperament will play an important role in my thinking, but it does not explain why I'm always seeing the worse in situations.

I'm pretty sure that if I am to direct a horror movie, it'll be one super scary one...that's why I don't watch horror movies, the thought's of death is such a scary concept.

My fear can be traced down to my earliest memory. I mean some people remember the park they grew up in, the toy that they loved, the cot they slept in while their parents sang lullabies, but not me. You want to know my earliest ever memories are? They are of me almost drowning...I admit, not a really encouraging one. But could my fear of things have begun from here?

I'm thankful that my next semester is going to have one class that has compulsory counselling. Hopefully I can get everything out and STOP being so pessimistic about things. I need to start seeing the good in both situations and people. I want to...

I want to see the possibility of us being together without thinking of how much better you are without me. I want to see the end of the day without thinking that I may not wake up the next day. I want to jump and climb things without thinking of the mess I'd make if I fell. I want to drive the car without...yea, I should not continue to the further reaches of my "dark" thoughts, so I should stop here...

Yes, at least now I know that my past had an effect on my present...Freud was right after all. =/

The distance is revealing itself

I wonder why I don't feel the same towards you now...is it the distance?

Yea, we've been apart for some time, but I thought feelings grow stronger over time? Heh, I guess that's a lie...maybe when I see you again, but for now, I have to think about whether this is real...

Sure I have the backing of some people, but then it's between two of us...
Comparing you with the others that I've like and seeing whether the feeling for you is more, but I don't know...
I guess when I see you again, I'll realize whether I've missed you or not.

EH, emo post...

Brain-fried

Trying my best to try to understand the non-understandable is getting pretty hard...
I mean, spending 30 minutes on two pages and still not comprehending much is really something new to me...
Well, it's a challenge to learn something new...to be able to communicate better with people, to be able to share and show how the Person I believe in is real no matter what secular science says...that's my personal challenge.
Sure, I may never have all the answer to every argument, but at least I need to know a way to answer.

The thing I'm most assured off is that there's no point defending my faith, because if I really believe in what I believe in, it can defend itself...I'm not defending God's image, I'm defending the Christian image...that's my job as a Christian - to be one.

Like the Casting Crowns song, The Word is Alive, says, "The world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, or my denomination...we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel, 'cause all we're doing is slowing it down." What we can do is to live up to the Christian perspective and "Love them like Jesus' (another Casting Crowns song) :)



HAHA...the conclusion seems totally different from the title...oh wells :)

eh

too many things happening to blog...and the need to blog seems so...eh now.

Eh...another time then. 

The hardest chapter is not your last...

The words above were the words spoken by Ps. Tan Soo Inn in the recent CUG camp. Well, with regards to my previous post entitled Slow Fade I am now reassured that of this truth.

Well, since I've found the thing I've lost I guess I can now reveal it.

I lost my keys...house keys to be exact. I mean it's all no big deal to some people, but to me it is. The keys were "entrusted" to me by my parents because I showed responsibility to have them and by losing it, I let them down. It's funny to note that I never actually lost my keys. Because they were in my bag in some compartment I never knew existed.  Well, I know it is a good lesson in humility.  I prayed like mad and even went through the whole losing the key scenario in my head and roleplayed it as well probably for at least 7 times.

I'm humbled by this experience and I know that this is just one step in the "breaking" process. I'm actually happy for this lesson.  Knowing that through everything, even the hardest of situations, God can teach you a lesson if you let him :)

Weee :D

Slow Fade

Casting Crown's has lyrics that really crash into your heart. For me at the moment is Slow Fade. In the bridge of Slow Fade, it says "...be careful if you think you stand, you just might be sinking..." and now I get it.

You know my post on pride? Well, God has just given me a lesson on humility.  I was proud of being responsible, of always having the things that I need with me at all times. Well, God kinda said, "pffft" and I lost something that is important. I can't say what I lost as I have yet to find it. But I can say that what I've lost is very important. And admitting that I was careless is one of the hardest things I've done.

Time to continue praying for humility and the thing I've lost =X

I have come to a realization that...

I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!

I means it...I'm fine with some holidays when I get a chance to hang out. But I really don't like this long holiday because I feel left out =X

The Uni mates are busy hanging out with their school mates, but who am I to hang out with? Sigh, the sad reality of the homeschooler =/

It's only one month, Reuben, one month.

The Guitar Project

See this beauty? 

Well, it could be mine...

That is after I fix it.

The bridge is broken, the d string needs to be replaced, and the strings need tuning.

After that...I guess my neighbors may start complaining about hearing too much guitar. hehe

Well, for those who know me. You would know me as a drummer not a guitarist. Well, it's not that I'm not a drummer anymore, I'm just..."expanding my horizons?" And plus I need to learn a soft instrument that I can play in the morning. Imagine the complains I'll receive if I start playing my drumset in the morning? Sure, I still need a lot of work but at least I can play edi :D 

The guitar is so much easier than the piano =X

Honesty

I'm not sure whether I make it obvious or not, but honesty is my favorite trait of a person. If you and I can be totally honest with each other, I will consider you my closest friend. :) 


Well, so recently I've been bashed (productively) by real honest people and I think I understand their point, and I hope to change me to be a better me. 


Bash point number 1:
I'm too opinionated. Sometimes it goes to a point that other's points don't matter. Well, I would like to say that I WAS opinionated. I was naive. I believed that everything I learnt was the Bible and nothing I learned could be wrong. I've changed (I hope), not because you brought it up, but I think it happened before that. but if you managed to bring it up, I guess I'm not done changing yet. I WILL do my best not to sound to proud, not to sound so strong, and right all the time...


Bash point number 2:
I'm bad at keeping friends. And I guess this is where I really admit that I fail.  I mean, I have no friends from my earlier days.  I'm not in touch with my friends from 8 years ago. I'm a bad friend. :( So now I WILL change! I promise (vow) to catch up with the people who used to mean something in my life. I won't be a sucker anymore. Friendship is important to me. No more being shy about talking to old friends anymore. No more wishing that any of you will start the conversation. I'm going to be a good and concern friend now. :)


Well, be as honest as you want with me. It's only when I know what others think about me can I change for the better...but it would do some good to not be too harsh about it...after all, I have feelings you know :)

Frustration

Some people say that men also go through PMS except we just can't tell when it starts...

I think frustration comes from the one simple fact that we are impatient.  Okay, I AM impatient.  I don't wait for people, I don't slow down, neither do I like it when people cut me on the road.  And I don't like it! I mean I want to be patient, I don't want to be this guy running alone and ahead in this world. I want to run next to people and help people on the way.  I want to run behind people so that I can help push them. I want to have the patience to live a life that pleases everybody. And I want to have the patience to wait.  I may seem patient at times but I'm not. I'm the most impatient person in this world and I hate that.  Because of this impatience, I'm easily frustrated with people, things, animals, and anything.  I don't wait and I tend to think on the go which is a wrong thing to do. I need patience...more than anything.

The funniest thing is that I'm frustrated at my being easily frustrated...sigh

God is revealing slowly my flaws and I hope that in time I'll be able to overcome them or at least use them for good.  

Pride

An issue I've been dealing with most profoundly recently is pride.  By saying that I have no issues is pride in itself already.  It's so hard to live a "prideless" life, and I guess why it's in my opinion that pride is the devil's strongest asset.  I mean, who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want a name? Even the most introverted introverts long for greatness, and that is why pride is powerful.

Pride can be illustrated by a golden statue.  As the statue begins to loose is shine, it is polished again with pride. And pride makes it shine brighter than the sun.  The golden statue's pride makes it look so strong and immovable.  Unknown to everyone else, the truth is not as it seems.  Inside this statue, it is rusting, but it's pride keeps it from showing anyone that it's falling.  Until a hole of rust emerges from the shimmering gold and the whole world can see that beneath this magnificent work of art, lies the truth.  That pride is hollow that pride only makes things worst than it really is.

I'm dealing with pride. I guess the type of pride that I have began more as a seeking for attention but it has now grown into real pride.  I used to be perasan, and I told people that I was playing a fool, but the thing about playing a fool is that reality and fiction is a lot closer than you might think it is.

I need to break my pride, and I know now I cannot do it alone - I need God's hand in my life.  I need to be broken.  I pray it wouldn't take 40 years like Moses took.  I want God to humble me and I know it's going to be hard work.

I've set goals and steps for me to stop being too prideful and if they work, I'll share it because I know everyone wants to be used by God, and therefore has to take away pride.  :)

Stop me when I start boasting.  I'll appreciate it :)

To avoid boredom...

...I'm going to make goals that are to be completed by the end of this holiday!

They are in no particular order.

1. Of course, grow closer to God :)

2. Lasertag, karaoke, ice-skate, bowl, paintball...anyone of these with friends :)

3. Start a random conversation with people I have not talked to in a long time

4. Finally achieve the split

5. Spike like it is nothing (I'm referring to volleyball, NOT DRINKS)

6. Focus when I'm playing a ping pong match

7. Record something I wrote

8. Read finish "Friends in a Broken World" - Tan Soo Inn

9. Start (or at least) find students to teach drums to

10. Build abs (vain idea but still which guy out there doesn't want one?)

11. Catch up on sleep

12. Watch finish "Lie to me" season 1, 2, and 3 (so far one season finished!)

13. Grow closer to the friends I already have.

14. Conquer the guitar

15. MAYBE: shave bald xD BARE IN MIND, A VERY BIG MAYBE!

16. Update this blog at least twice a week.

17. Reach 100mph while driving :D

18. Clean my room :)

19. Get my priorities right.

20. Write, draw, sing whatever that comes to mind! :)

Encouragement

Yes, sometimes I feel left out
Yes, sometimes I don't feel like I belong
Yes, sometimes I wonder why I'm even here
Yes, sometimes I wander because I don't fit in
Yes, sometimes I pretend that others care
Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I belong
Yes, sometimes I smile to hide the dejection
Yes, sometimes I feel the corner is my best friend
Yes, sometimes I act as  if I'm alright
Yes, sometimes I make it look like I have something important to do
But thank you for your little conversation to remind me that I belong
But thank you for taking the effort to reassure me
But thank you for thanking me for the things I've done
But thank you for showing me that you care
But thank you for apologizing for the wrong (even though I can't remember it)
But thank you for telling me that I'm accepted
But thank you for the little thing you did that made a bid difference to me
But thank you for initiative to break my dejection
But thank you for telling me it's alright
But thank you for being a friend.

Sometimes is small conversations of concern that can help you know that you are appreciated
It's the small encouragements that helps to to live through though times.

Thanks for the encouragement and acceptance (you know who you are).

The Ideal World?

Watched Watchmen (well at least some parts) again...minus the pg18 parts the movie is a great depiction of morality and ideals.

I mean the penner for this comic series must have been a genius for thinking of such a deep plot for a superhero movie.  He thought of everything.  Every character depicted the truth.  Every event depicted a possibility.
Is the future of Watchmen the future we are heading to? Where so-called heroes (who were meant to protect us) are the ones oppressing us? Where the streets will be filled with fear? Where injustice is abound? Where brutality is the only answer? Where trickery and manipulation is the only way to gain peace?

SO what was the storyline of Watchmen? Watch it to know...it's rather hard to explain.

So what if we apply it to the world we live in now? Wait, maybe we are not so different...

Do we have people who are meant to protect us oppressing us?

Are our streets instilled with fear?

Is injustice around?

Is brutality our only answer? 

Looks like the recent events has shown that we are not so different from the world in chaos depicted in Watchmen.  I can tell you now that the way to win THIS battle is not by manipulation...it's not by covering up the truth...it's not by instilling fear...you know why? Because in this world, it is the people, NOT the "heroes" that has the power.  WE hold the power in our world.  

And we can choose to make or break our world.  

We can choose the path of violence...or...

The path of peace.

This is our world, out country, and we have the power to change it.  There is no super being, we are the superheroes of our nation when we stand together as one for the common cause. 

For unity, For justice, For the MALAYSIAN way!

Green - Blue =

I love Malaysia...minus the politics.

I mean what country has no flaws?

Malaysia is a beautiful country.  We have the perfect weather (except it's been too hot recently), flourishing greenery everywhere, our own rainforest, caves, mountains, lakes and other natural beauties, and not to mention the BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD!  Where else can you find people of all races that live in harmony with each other? Let me assure you it's rare.  Sure we have our tension (religious, political, racial, and sexual), sure we have those little things that spur a fight once in a while, but we still at least tolerate each other.  

Maybe it's because our nation is so perfect that something wrong has to happen? What nation would you consider politically fair? USA? Well, they may be perfect in their democracy, but their violence rates and natural disaster rates are plentiful.  I mean maybe it's an unwritten law that all countries must have at least one fault? I hope not.

It has come to a point that our country is no more fractured into three (the three main races) but now into two (those for change and those against). Well, at least we are more united than before.  Maybe 1Malaysia is achievable...we just need to unite one more group.  

I wonder if any other country actually arrests people for wearing a certain colored shirt.  I mean I personally like that color.  It's bright and makes my eyes stand out (actually they don't), but I like yellow see: 

I just hope that the protest will go peacefully, no one will get hurt, and maybe, if God-willing, change will take place.  Hmmm....continues to dream )

7weeks

7weeks is too fast to be called a semester.
I should be studying for midterms now not sitting for the finals.

at least in this 7weeks I've managed to get new friends, improved on present friends, improved in ping pong, start working out, watch movies, get my driving license, pass probation for driving, visit malls, buy new shoes, learn how to stream series, and get to know you better.

Well, I would say, 7weeks well spent!

I still prefer HMC lectures over BPsych ones mainly because of its personal touch.  In a room of 150 students it's very easy to feel paiseh.

Back to "trying" to study

I'm moving on...

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

Life won't wait for anyone...

Life won't give you a chance to catch up...

Life keeps on going anyway...

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they're always the same

They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it 

They'll never allow me to change 

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

And...
I feel that I've been living in a world that I thought has accepted me.
I feel that I've been living in a lie that I have created
I feel that I've been living in a place that would never understand me
I feel that I've been living in a house that is not my home

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me 

And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone 

There comes a time in everyone's life  

When all you can see are the years passing by  

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

Sigh...

I see my time being wasted
I see my life drifting away
I see that no one here really cares

I've given 6 years of my life and what have I gotten in return?
I've given my commitment and what do I have to show for it?

I hate it when you can see beyond the surface.
I hate it when you can read between the lines.
I hate it when the stop I took was a thousand stops to late.

Not going to put the last verse here because I haven't decided to do anything.  Maybe (such a pain sometimes) there's a chance of things picking up.  Maybe there's a chance that my time was not a waste.  Maybe...

So I may be moving on, but you'll still see me.  I may be gone, but I'm still here.

I have to let go to move on

I have to move on to be free

I have to be free to find a new belonging...

Time changes and it's time to change with it.

Short Semesters

It's the last week of the second semester....can't believe it started 6weeks ago.  It's been so short.  Well, I guess that it's a good time to recap the semester.

The things that I should remind myself about:

1. That a short semester really means a compact semester

2. That long breaks are only nice a maximum twice a week. If there's more, have fun trying to find fun.

3. Ludo is a fun game to play.

4. Though you lost the elections for student council, you had a chance.

5. Integrating groups of friends is a hard process

6. It's only right to fight, if we fight for your rights. Other than that it's not worth it.

7. It's about letting the world know you are strong by being the one who backs down.

8. RPB is actually very easy to master.

9. Streaming movies downloads data.

10. Staying up later twice in a week doing an assignment is never a good idea.

11. Friends appreciate silence...you don't have to talk all the time.

12. Still feel that I could belong somewhere else.

13. Still looking for someone to hold me up.

14. Check your anger issues...especially on the road

15. Driving in silence is comforting

16. Meeting your other half was very awkward.

17. Do not forget you have your writing skills.

18. Speaking up does wonders.

19. Do something useful with your free time.

20. Make your move subtly :)

I'm still finding my passion again...

"I looked up today and realized how far away I am to You now. I have nothing more to say, desperate at Your feet I lay, this life I've torn apart."

Lord, I trust in you. Let Your will be done. Do not take away my burdens but help me to carry them. I lift my life into Your hands. Amen.