Why the fear?

Today I've realized the reason for my fear in...everything.
I always thought my pessimism was due to the introverted melancholic in me but now I know it's not the ONLY reason. Sure my temperament will play an important role in my thinking, but it does not explain why I'm always seeing the worse in situations.

I'm pretty sure that if I am to direct a horror movie, it'll be one super scary one...that's why I don't watch horror movies, the thought's of death is such a scary concept.

My fear can be traced down to my earliest memory. I mean some people remember the park they grew up in, the toy that they loved, the cot they slept in while their parents sang lullabies, but not me. You want to know my earliest ever memories are? They are of me almost drowning...I admit, not a really encouraging one. But could my fear of things have begun from here?

I'm thankful that my next semester is going to have one class that has compulsory counselling. Hopefully I can get everything out and STOP being so pessimistic about things. I need to start seeing the good in both situations and people. I want to...

I want to see the possibility of us being together without thinking of how much better you are without me. I want to see the end of the day without thinking that I may not wake up the next day. I want to jump and climb things without thinking of the mess I'd make if I fell. I want to drive the car without...yea, I should not continue to the further reaches of my "dark" thoughts, so I should stop here...

Yes, at least now I know that my past had an effect on my present...Freud was right after all. =/

The distance is revealing itself

I wonder why I don't feel the same towards you now...is it the distance?

Yea, we've been apart for some time, but I thought feelings grow stronger over time? Heh, I guess that's a lie...maybe when I see you again, but for now, I have to think about whether this is real...

Sure I have the backing of some people, but then it's between two of us...
Comparing you with the others that I've like and seeing whether the feeling for you is more, but I don't know...
I guess when I see you again, I'll realize whether I've missed you or not.

EH, emo post...

Brain-fried

Trying my best to try to understand the non-understandable is getting pretty hard...
I mean, spending 30 minutes on two pages and still not comprehending much is really something new to me...
Well, it's a challenge to learn something new...to be able to communicate better with people, to be able to share and show how the Person I believe in is real no matter what secular science says...that's my personal challenge.
Sure, I may never have all the answer to every argument, but at least I need to know a way to answer.

The thing I'm most assured off is that there's no point defending my faith, because if I really believe in what I believe in, it can defend itself...I'm not defending God's image, I'm defending the Christian image...that's my job as a Christian - to be one.

Like the Casting Crowns song, The Word is Alive, says, "The world doesn't need my tie, my hoodie, or my denomination...we can't strap ourselves to the Gospel, 'cause all we're doing is slowing it down." What we can do is to live up to the Christian perspective and "Love them like Jesus' (another Casting Crowns song) :)



HAHA...the conclusion seems totally different from the title...oh wells :)

eh

too many things happening to blog...and the need to blog seems so...eh now.

Eh...another time then. 

The hardest chapter is not your last...

The words above were the words spoken by Ps. Tan Soo Inn in the recent CUG camp. Well, with regards to my previous post entitled Slow Fade I am now reassured that of this truth.

Well, since I've found the thing I've lost I guess I can now reveal it.

I lost my keys...house keys to be exact. I mean it's all no big deal to some people, but to me it is. The keys were "entrusted" to me by my parents because I showed responsibility to have them and by losing it, I let them down. It's funny to note that I never actually lost my keys. Because they were in my bag in some compartment I never knew existed.  Well, I know it is a good lesson in humility.  I prayed like mad and even went through the whole losing the key scenario in my head and roleplayed it as well probably for at least 7 times.

I'm humbled by this experience and I know that this is just one step in the "breaking" process. I'm actually happy for this lesson.  Knowing that through everything, even the hardest of situations, God can teach you a lesson if you let him :)

Weee :D

Slow Fade

Casting Crown's has lyrics that really crash into your heart. For me at the moment is Slow Fade. In the bridge of Slow Fade, it says "...be careful if you think you stand, you just might be sinking..." and now I get it.

You know my post on pride? Well, God has just given me a lesson on humility.  I was proud of being responsible, of always having the things that I need with me at all times. Well, God kinda said, "pffft" and I lost something that is important. I can't say what I lost as I have yet to find it. But I can say that what I've lost is very important. And admitting that I was careless is one of the hardest things I've done.

Time to continue praying for humility and the thing I've lost =X

I have come to a realization that...

I HATE HOLIDAYS!!!

I means it...I'm fine with some holidays when I get a chance to hang out. But I really don't like this long holiday because I feel left out =X

The Uni mates are busy hanging out with their school mates, but who am I to hang out with? Sigh, the sad reality of the homeschooler =/

It's only one month, Reuben, one month.

The Guitar Project

See this beauty? 

Well, it could be mine...

That is after I fix it.

The bridge is broken, the d string needs to be replaced, and the strings need tuning.

After that...I guess my neighbors may start complaining about hearing too much guitar. hehe

Well, for those who know me. You would know me as a drummer not a guitarist. Well, it's not that I'm not a drummer anymore, I'm just..."expanding my horizons?" And plus I need to learn a soft instrument that I can play in the morning. Imagine the complains I'll receive if I start playing my drumset in the morning? Sure, I still need a lot of work but at least I can play edi :D 

The guitar is so much easier than the piano =X

Honesty

I'm not sure whether I make it obvious or not, but honesty is my favorite trait of a person. If you and I can be totally honest with each other, I will consider you my closest friend. :) 


Well, so recently I've been bashed (productively) by real honest people and I think I understand their point, and I hope to change me to be a better me. 


Bash point number 1:
I'm too opinionated. Sometimes it goes to a point that other's points don't matter. Well, I would like to say that I WAS opinionated. I was naive. I believed that everything I learnt was the Bible and nothing I learned could be wrong. I've changed (I hope), not because you brought it up, but I think it happened before that. but if you managed to bring it up, I guess I'm not done changing yet. I WILL do my best not to sound to proud, not to sound so strong, and right all the time...


Bash point number 2:
I'm bad at keeping friends. And I guess this is where I really admit that I fail.  I mean, I have no friends from my earlier days.  I'm not in touch with my friends from 8 years ago. I'm a bad friend. :( So now I WILL change! I promise (vow) to catch up with the people who used to mean something in my life. I won't be a sucker anymore. Friendship is important to me. No more being shy about talking to old friends anymore. No more wishing that any of you will start the conversation. I'm going to be a good and concern friend now. :)


Well, be as honest as you want with me. It's only when I know what others think about me can I change for the better...but it would do some good to not be too harsh about it...after all, I have feelings you know :)