Frustration

Some people say that men also go through PMS except we just can't tell when it starts...

I think frustration comes from the one simple fact that we are impatient.  Okay, I AM impatient.  I don't wait for people, I don't slow down, neither do I like it when people cut me on the road.  And I don't like it! I mean I want to be patient, I don't want to be this guy running alone and ahead in this world. I want to run next to people and help people on the way.  I want to run behind people so that I can help push them. I want to have the patience to live a life that pleases everybody. And I want to have the patience to wait.  I may seem patient at times but I'm not. I'm the most impatient person in this world and I hate that.  Because of this impatience, I'm easily frustrated with people, things, animals, and anything.  I don't wait and I tend to think on the go which is a wrong thing to do. I need patience...more than anything.

The funniest thing is that I'm frustrated at my being easily frustrated...sigh

God is revealing slowly my flaws and I hope that in time I'll be able to overcome them or at least use them for good.  

Pride

An issue I've been dealing with most profoundly recently is pride.  By saying that I have no issues is pride in itself already.  It's so hard to live a "prideless" life, and I guess why it's in my opinion that pride is the devil's strongest asset.  I mean, who doesn't want to be recognized? Who doesn't want a name? Even the most introverted introverts long for greatness, and that is why pride is powerful.

Pride can be illustrated by a golden statue.  As the statue begins to loose is shine, it is polished again with pride. And pride makes it shine brighter than the sun.  The golden statue's pride makes it look so strong and immovable.  Unknown to everyone else, the truth is not as it seems.  Inside this statue, it is rusting, but it's pride keeps it from showing anyone that it's falling.  Until a hole of rust emerges from the shimmering gold and the whole world can see that beneath this magnificent work of art, lies the truth.  That pride is hollow that pride only makes things worst than it really is.

I'm dealing with pride. I guess the type of pride that I have began more as a seeking for attention but it has now grown into real pride.  I used to be perasan, and I told people that I was playing a fool, but the thing about playing a fool is that reality and fiction is a lot closer than you might think it is.

I need to break my pride, and I know now I cannot do it alone - I need God's hand in my life.  I need to be broken.  I pray it wouldn't take 40 years like Moses took.  I want God to humble me and I know it's going to be hard work.

I've set goals and steps for me to stop being too prideful and if they work, I'll share it because I know everyone wants to be used by God, and therefore has to take away pride.  :)

Stop me when I start boasting.  I'll appreciate it :)

To avoid boredom...

...I'm going to make goals that are to be completed by the end of this holiday!

They are in no particular order.

1. Of course, grow closer to God :)

2. Lasertag, karaoke, ice-skate, bowl, paintball...anyone of these with friends :)

3. Start a random conversation with people I have not talked to in a long time

4. Finally achieve the split

5. Spike like it is nothing (I'm referring to volleyball, NOT DRINKS)

6. Focus when I'm playing a ping pong match

7. Record something I wrote

8. Read finish "Friends in a Broken World" - Tan Soo Inn

9. Start (or at least) find students to teach drums to

10. Build abs (vain idea but still which guy out there doesn't want one?)

11. Catch up on sleep

12. Watch finish "Lie to me" season 1, 2, and 3 (so far one season finished!)

13. Grow closer to the friends I already have.

14. Conquer the guitar

15. MAYBE: shave bald xD BARE IN MIND, A VERY BIG MAYBE!

16. Update this blog at least twice a week.

17. Reach 100mph while driving :D

18. Clean my room :)

19. Get my priorities right.

20. Write, draw, sing whatever that comes to mind! :)

Encouragement

Yes, sometimes I feel left out
Yes, sometimes I don't feel like I belong
Yes, sometimes I wonder why I'm even here
Yes, sometimes I wander because I don't fit in
Yes, sometimes I pretend that others care
Yes, sometimes I tell myself that I belong
Yes, sometimes I smile to hide the dejection
Yes, sometimes I feel the corner is my best friend
Yes, sometimes I act as  if I'm alright
Yes, sometimes I make it look like I have something important to do
But thank you for your little conversation to remind me that I belong
But thank you for taking the effort to reassure me
But thank you for thanking me for the things I've done
But thank you for showing me that you care
But thank you for apologizing for the wrong (even though I can't remember it)
But thank you for telling me that I'm accepted
But thank you for the little thing you did that made a bid difference to me
But thank you for initiative to break my dejection
But thank you for telling me it's alright
But thank you for being a friend.

Sometimes is small conversations of concern that can help you know that you are appreciated
It's the small encouragements that helps to to live through though times.

Thanks for the encouragement and acceptance (you know who you are).

The Ideal World?

Watched Watchmen (well at least some parts) again...minus the pg18 parts the movie is a great depiction of morality and ideals.

I mean the penner for this comic series must have been a genius for thinking of such a deep plot for a superhero movie.  He thought of everything.  Every character depicted the truth.  Every event depicted a possibility.
Is the future of Watchmen the future we are heading to? Where so-called heroes (who were meant to protect us) are the ones oppressing us? Where the streets will be filled with fear? Where injustice is abound? Where brutality is the only answer? Where trickery and manipulation is the only way to gain peace?

SO what was the storyline of Watchmen? Watch it to know...it's rather hard to explain.

So what if we apply it to the world we live in now? Wait, maybe we are not so different...

Do we have people who are meant to protect us oppressing us?

Are our streets instilled with fear?

Is injustice around?

Is brutality our only answer? 

Looks like the recent events has shown that we are not so different from the world in chaos depicted in Watchmen.  I can tell you now that the way to win THIS battle is not by manipulation...it's not by covering up the truth...it's not by instilling fear...you know why? Because in this world, it is the people, NOT the "heroes" that has the power.  WE hold the power in our world.  

And we can choose to make or break our world.  

We can choose the path of violence...or...

The path of peace.

This is our world, out country, and we have the power to change it.  There is no super being, we are the superheroes of our nation when we stand together as one for the common cause. 

For unity, For justice, For the MALAYSIAN way!

Green - Blue =

I love Malaysia...minus the politics.

I mean what country has no flaws?

Malaysia is a beautiful country.  We have the perfect weather (except it's been too hot recently), flourishing greenery everywhere, our own rainforest, caves, mountains, lakes and other natural beauties, and not to mention the BEST FOOD IN THE WORLD!  Where else can you find people of all races that live in harmony with each other? Let me assure you it's rare.  Sure we have our tension (religious, political, racial, and sexual), sure we have those little things that spur a fight once in a while, but we still at least tolerate each other.  

Maybe it's because our nation is so perfect that something wrong has to happen? What nation would you consider politically fair? USA? Well, they may be perfect in their democracy, but their violence rates and natural disaster rates are plentiful.  I mean maybe it's an unwritten law that all countries must have at least one fault? I hope not.

It has come to a point that our country is no more fractured into three (the three main races) but now into two (those for change and those against). Well, at least we are more united than before.  Maybe 1Malaysia is achievable...we just need to unite one more group.  

I wonder if any other country actually arrests people for wearing a certain colored shirt.  I mean I personally like that color.  It's bright and makes my eyes stand out (actually they don't), but I like yellow see: 

I just hope that the protest will go peacefully, no one will get hurt, and maybe, if God-willing, change will take place.  Hmmm....continues to dream )

7weeks

7weeks is too fast to be called a semester.
I should be studying for midterms now not sitting for the finals.

at least in this 7weeks I've managed to get new friends, improved on present friends, improved in ping pong, start working out, watch movies, get my driving license, pass probation for driving, visit malls, buy new shoes, learn how to stream series, and get to know you better.

Well, I would say, 7weeks well spent!

I still prefer HMC lectures over BPsych ones mainly because of its personal touch.  In a room of 150 students it's very easy to feel paiseh.

Back to "trying" to study

I'm moving on...

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons

Finally content with a past I regret

I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness

For once I'm at peace with myself

I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long

I'm movin' on

Life won't wait for anyone...

Life won't give you a chance to catch up...

Life keeps on going anyway...

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces

Each one is different but they're always the same

They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it 

They'll never allow me to change 

But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong

I'm movin' on

And...
I feel that I've been living in a world that I thought has accepted me.
I feel that I've been living in a lie that I have created
I feel that I've been living in a place that would never understand me
I feel that I've been living in a house that is not my home

I'm movin' on

At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me 

And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone 

There comes a time in everyone's life  

When all you can see are the years passing by  

And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

Sigh...

I see my time being wasted
I see my life drifting away
I see that no one here really cares

I've given 6 years of my life and what have I gotten in return?
I've given my commitment and what do I have to show for it?

I hate it when you can see beyond the surface.
I hate it when you can read between the lines.
I hate it when the stop I took was a thousand stops to late.

Not going to put the last verse here because I haven't decided to do anything.  Maybe (such a pain sometimes) there's a chance of things picking up.  Maybe there's a chance that my time was not a waste.  Maybe...

So I may be moving on, but you'll still see me.  I may be gone, but I'm still here.

I have to let go to move on

I have to move on to be free

I have to be free to find a new belonging...

Time changes and it's time to change with it.

Short Semesters

It's the last week of the second semester....can't believe it started 6weeks ago.  It's been so short.  Well, I guess that it's a good time to recap the semester.

The things that I should remind myself about:

1. That a short semester really means a compact semester

2. That long breaks are only nice a maximum twice a week. If there's more, have fun trying to find fun.

3. Ludo is a fun game to play.

4. Though you lost the elections for student council, you had a chance.

5. Integrating groups of friends is a hard process

6. It's only right to fight, if we fight for your rights. Other than that it's not worth it.

7. It's about letting the world know you are strong by being the one who backs down.

8. RPB is actually very easy to master.

9. Streaming movies downloads data.

10. Staying up later twice in a week doing an assignment is never a good idea.

11. Friends appreciate silence...you don't have to talk all the time.

12. Still feel that I could belong somewhere else.

13. Still looking for someone to hold me up.

14. Check your anger issues...especially on the road

15. Driving in silence is comforting

16. Meeting your other half was very awkward.

17. Do not forget you have your writing skills.

18. Speaking up does wonders.

19. Do something useful with your free time.

20. Make your move subtly :)

I'm still finding my passion again...

"I looked up today and realized how far away I am to You now. I have nothing more to say, desperate at Your feet I lay, this life I've torn apart."

Lord, I trust in you. Let Your will be done. Do not take away my burdens but help me to carry them. I lift my life into Your hands. Amen.