An Annual Act

So the other day I called you.  The last time we talked was exactly a year past from that phone call.  And now here is the predicament I am in...

Was the request genuine...

...or a socially polite response?

I don't know if you still read this blog, but if you do, please understand that I am thinking of the request. I just need to find the right time to fulfill it. 

I can smell freedom in my nostrils

So by 10am tomorrow morning, I can finally put second year behind me.  Two years of studying psychology so far has definitely been the most challenging and enlightening journey of my life to date. Of course I expected struggles with the smiles, but nothing could have prepared me for it (Well, actually asking seniors would have helped, but the past is the past anyways).

So 2012 has been one super roller-coaster ride with the ramps and loop-de-loops.  I've had my highest emotional high and went to my lowest of lows all in a span of three months.  It's been great it's been bad, but overall it's been eventful.  A recap of 2nd Year would not be complete without highlights and pictures.

January
The weight of anticipation was heavy in the air as we registered for our subjects that begin with the big number TWO, and the struggle between 4 or 5 subjects literally sent many of us going bonkers. The greatest let down of this month was having to search for assignments groups from one end of the world to another, but everything's alright now.

February
Assignments kicked into speed and the usual routine began. But time was made for one of the biggest nights of my life so far - my first date.

I should say once again that I was truly happy that you agreed to it, and I cherish our friendship :)

March

Being the month of my birth, it was supposed to be an amazing month, but... emotional me took a turn for the worse. Some how I found myself down almost all the time, it was like my happy clock just couldn't work when I wanted it to. I've been that guy who would cheer people up, but it was weird being the one needing the cheering up.

March wasn't that bad in hindsight. Celebrated tons of birthdays...

And even had my first ever mini in-class celebration

Getting Bronze for the 2nd year running was a let down, but being Captain of a Table Tennis Team  was indeed an honor.

April

April began with a bang. Assignments were in the midst of being completed and then there was Colloquium 1.0. Our first time participating in a research colloquium and we won! 

A birthday celebration...

 and then it was finals. The first semester was over and the celebrations began.

First after the last paper... 

...then we packed our bags and headed for Pangkor! It was fun being on my first ever nonfamily holiday.  Definitely had a great time there doing all sorts of nonsensical things.  It's said that great company is hard to come by, and I am glad that I've manged to find it.

May

Straight after that was another birthday

(Birthday girl isn't here but...it's the thought that counts?)

Then a party in which limited photographs were taken and so nothing to be shown. After that the semester began again and the schedule was tighter.  Results were alarming and "hardworkingness" set in. Priorities were set.  Thankfully and gratefully, assignment groupings were a thing of the past.  

June

A birthday celebration in which I would only attend 30 minutes off was followed by a concert to support a friend.  A celebration of my old facilitator was really a good day.

Went out randomly with different people and had a blast, but not much that was ecstatic and hair-raising. Just the calm before the storm.

July

A big scale surprise birthday party and a friend's farewell followed close to each other. The semester drew to a close and the longest holiday ever commenced. 

August

It was truly devastating not being able to meet the usually people every week and it seemed that everyone was too busy with internships to even try.  But near the end of the month, things started getting more exciting.  It started first with the First Regional Student Convention in Malaysia, and quickly followed by the second nonfamily holiday - this time with the 93'rs in Penang

Although we don't always see eye-to-eye, we somehow manage to make it work out fine.  

August soon ended and gave way to the month of farewells.

September

September began along with the final semester of our 2nd year! Everything happened faster than it could be imagined. With no change of meeting up during the holidays, it was only right that we had a meetup before the assignments started to pile in.

And soon the farewell dinners began with a bunch of the 93's flying away

Went for a concert inbetween and managed to meet up with an amazing talent

and then it was the airport trips full of farewells.

Missed one trip to the airport due to transportation issues.

October

With the year drawing to a close, many things happened almost all in eruptions. 

Formed a band with our first performance ever in front of almost a thousand people

Destination: Uptown

Took us forever to agree on a name.

November

October was quick to say its farewell and we then sped into November. With plenty of highlights.

First highlight is the first of many firsts (First time being an official photographer at a big event, first time having a press pass, and first time in a club - no I did not club)

Project: Liber8 @ Zouk KL

After all the nonfamily holidays, it was time for some family time @ Damai Laut

A PR 'class' trip to Antipodean soon after and then it was anticipation for Colloquium 2.0!

December

We didn't win this time, but it was a nice day nonetheless.

And then it happened, the biggest event for us Psycho people - Annual Ball '12!

A few hundred pictures after and we were done having a good night.  

And now back to where I started. It's the end of second year pretty much soon. Things are going to change and even though there's still some more days left in December, tomorrow ends the academic year for me.  It has been a challenging year, but you can't spell growth without challenge (Yes, I know you can, but you get the point). As I enter into 3rd year, what challenges do I face? What new stressors? Will there be people still with and beside me or will I be abandoned?  All these questions will be answered next year I guess.

Here's to a fantastic 2nd year, and here's to a good 3rd year!

*pushes publish and rushes back to study*

  

BLACK&WHITE

For every action there's an EQUAL and OPPOSITE reaction 

- Newton's third law of motion.  

It feels like every little step I take somewhere in this direction, I end up walking nowhere. I don't know what to think anymore.  I once thought that life was plain and simple.  If there's something, there'll be something, if there's nothing, then that's it. BLACK&WHITE.  Simple yet complicated in itself.  There can be only two outcomes. Yet in life, we are given the mysterious shade of gray.  And this is where choices come in.  Every choice I make will eventually lead to an outcome (even an indecision is a decision).  Every word I speak, every move I make, every thing I do will all lead to something.

This scares scared people like me.  People like me are afraid to take risks. We thrive on predictability, on obvious consequences, when things are thrown and messed up, we suffer the most. With the ever increases shades of gray, there comes more possible and unpredictable outcomes. Every time a coin is tossed, every time a die is rolled, it means something will follow.

Now I've reached the point in which I'm unsure. The amount of gray in my life is astounding and I feel like I can explode in all shads of color any moment. I'm unsure of anything anymore - my life, my walk, my family, my friends, my abilities, my memories, my relationships, my knowledge, my skills, my emotions, my thoughts...anything.  With the ever-increasing shades of gray, comes the ever-increasing shades of doubt. With the ever-increasing shades if doubt, comes the ever-increasing shades of fear.  Fear that what I'm doing is actually not what I'm meant to do. The more I doubt, the more I question my decisions.

This is just an outpouring of whatever that is cooking my mind now. I wish that my world can go back to just being BLACK & WHITE, but I know that's impossible. I have to learn to cope. learn to let go of things I cannot hang on to or are holding me back., and reach out to things that will help me move on and also to new experiences *shudders* yes, NEW EXPERIENCES. No more hiding behind security, it's time to take a leap of faith and maybe when I do, I'll find myself doubting and questioning less then I initially did.

Call me traditional...

...but I believe that if I am to have a girlfriend, I should be able to see myself spending my whole life with her. I'm fine with dating, and if I don't scare you off with the subsequent future plans talk, then we might have something going on.

Call me idealistic...
...but I believe that somewhere out there is that one girl intended for me. I may have met her; I may have not.  One thing that's sure is that, when I do realize that she's the one, I will not let her go.  I believe that I'll be able to find that girl that fits into my idea of a wife, and hopefully I fit into her idea of a husband. I believe that I'll be able to find a girl that will be able to see past my mishaps and flaws no matter how bad they are and help me improve.

Call me naive...
...but I like to think that trust and commitment is more important in a relationship than love and passion. Passion is an emotion and goes up and down depending on moods, but commitment, it is a covenant an agreement to cherish. This is why I don't believe in cohabitation (well, besides religious reasons).

Call me whatever you want...
...but a pushover, laid-back, sloth who isn't man enough to fight for someone he loves. Yes, the occasion has yet to come where I would have to take a hit for the sake of someone I love. Yes, I have yet to be tested. But I will fight when needed.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

Weeks have passed and the light at the end of the tunnel begins to unveil itself.  I will triumph. I will succeed.  In life, in academics, in relationships, in families, and in everything that effects my life.   Now it's the calm before the storm - time to buck up and try my best to finish the best.

In the turmoil and pain
I'll rise stronger again
Though a part of me was slain
A new lesson I'll gain

With knees trembling
And two fists on the ground
I'll pick myself up
And go another round

As long as I don't break
I'll take more than I can take
Not for the winning's sake
But to see what I can make

A light at the end
I set my eyes of the goal
I'll my my life
A story worth to be told

And the days pass like minutes

Autopilot mode has been activated. Everything is moving so fast and I have no time to breathe. No time to think. If I keep this up, It'll be December in a blink of an eye. No time to cherish life. No time to cherish friendships.

Is there more to life than this?
Am I cursed to live in this sort of life? To always be chasing but never to find?
To see perfection at the tip of my fingers,
But to trip on the way and linger?
How would I know when I've reached my destiny
When all I can see are depressing irony?

Is this my lot in this plot?

Where does taking it like a man give in to justified anger?

You know how it's the little things that make the day that much better?
Well, I'm beginning to realize that it is also the little things that can make the day suck, like really badly.

Take today for example.  It's enough that I'm having nonstop deadlines to live with, a Christmas play to help in, a recording to edit, a band to manage, and work to cope with, but it just so happens that this tipping point had to be tested even more today.  It just so happens that whenever I feel that I'm just past the point of throwing a break someone's your face, something just has to happen to make me clench my fist, and hold myself from swinging.

Thank you all you people who ruined a wonderful week.  My highlight of the week should have been yesterday night when I managed to catch up with a dear friend, but now it seems that my highlight is going to be all about angst and depressing stories.

I've been brought up to be inclusive. I've been brought up knowing that there are billions of people in the world and none of them are the same as me. I've been brought up knowing that out of the billions of people there will be plenty that just won't click properly - that I won't be able to get along with.  Well, I thought I'd test it.  I thought that it'll be easy to be inclusive.  Well thanks for breaking that little idealism I had.  People admire a critical mind - believe me, they do.  BUT people admire a critical mind who knows how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with people.  Instead of a Mr. Know-it-All, or a stubborn *insert appropriate synonym for beast of burden*.  Shooting people down, blaming for no reason and insulting people right to their face is NOT a way to survive in a social world.  Sometimes I feel like your mouth moves faster than your brain, and before you know it your stubborn side takes over and you go defensive even though you know you are wrong.  There's a reason why I didn't want to be in this situation - I predicted this stressful scenario long before it happened.

Now to another person.  Well, you see, I recall you said that you don't give a *insert vulgarity* about the club I started, and now you're demanding things from me? Sure, it was a reaction to another person's remark, but that doesn't justify the fact that you outright insulted what I've worked VERY hard to make.  If you went on an insulted the other person, it would have settled easily, but you had to insult the group instead of the individual. Now I'm probably wasting words on you.

I realized that I'm wasting words here. It probable won't reach the eyes of those who need to read it, but that's what you call a catharsis I guess.

I needed some release. Before I actually blow up.  I've never blown out of proportion before (Well, maybe once...) so I hope you don't be the reason why you change the mild-mannered me into a raging unstoppable beast.  Seriously, I don't want to be the angry person no matter how justified the rage can be.  I always try to picture myself as the carefree and friendly person, don't change that image that I've been working so hard to maintain.  Don't.  Just typing this, I can literally feel my blood boiling. I literally feel heat rising out of my skin.

you.have.been.warned.

I want to know You as I'm known

'To know You, is to want to know You more...' - Casting Crowns

Ever since I can remember, I've been a curious lad.  I asked questions even though I didn't like the answers.  I read encyclopedias if the answers proved insignificant.  I would break things open just to see how they tick.  Yes, I was a curious kid.  But somehow that curiosity has died.  I don't feel the need to know anymore.  I don't have that passion to read things even though it has nothing to do with what I'm studying.  There was a time when every question had to be answered; where every stone had to be turned, but now it seems like I'm hiding in ignorance and bliss.

There was a time when I would take up the Bible and read it for hours.  There was a time when knowing God was the biggest priority in my life.  I would spend time away praying.  I would fall on my knees without caring.  Where has this desire to know God gone to? As my passion wanes, I find the things I used to do to know God becoming a chore...

Create in me a desire to know You as I'm known

Create in me a wanting to kneel before Your throne,

And hear You say, Well done, my good and faithful one,

You have lived right and brought glory to my Son.

I will search for You through the highest heights,

Through the deepest depths, through sorrows and plights

As long as I find You, I'll be alright

To find You, Lord, will be my delight...

I want to know You're here

I want to know You now

My hands are raised

My heart is bowed

Don't pass me by

I feel to dry

I need Your touch

Don't pass me by

Back to Square One

Life is full of ups and downs, no?

Well this year has been a constant struggle between ups and downs for me. It was a good year and a bad year altogether.  Emotionally, I went through a spiral of funky town as I struggled with who I was and who can I call friends.  I struggled with responsibilities and the things I really wanted.  But the thing I felt constantly good about was my social life.  I was happy because I met a friend who managed to make me laugh and who managed to make me happy.  So since I met her, life seemed to be on a steep incline heading towards a peak, and I think it just hit the peak.  Now comes the hard part. Here comes the part where things don't seem to work out anymore, where we lose touch with one another and I feel lost all over again.  Sure this might be a knee-jerk response and all but I can't help feeling that I'm being left behind.

I'm an overthinker; I'm a pessimist. But the thing about having this type of personality is that I often prove myself right.  I don't want that.  Cause right now, I'm thinking that everyone else is out there busy with a great life, while I lag behind.  Cause right now, I'm thinking that I'm that socially awkward kid with no future except in his mind.  Cause right now, I feel like I'm going back to square one and being forced to start all over again.

I remember being so ecstatically happy in February that I went into some weird bipolarity in March.  I remember chats being so funny that when I typed, LOL, I was really laughing so loud that my parents asked me whether I was alright. I remember smiling at almost every text, and getting strange stares from my friends. But... I also remember the things I said wrong, the times I ruined something that was good, and the moments when things felt like they would die.

Somehow I guess, I saw this coming.  Reality had to hit home.  Truth was unavoidable.  And in this case, I have to learn to let go.  Because no matter how much I know and how much I'll try, I know that trying too much is not worth it.  I have to learn to let time take it's course.  We were never meant to be at this time. Maybe in the future, but just not this time.

Now the question is do I wait for it to be the right time, or do I keep my options open? Being the 'careful' person that I am, I'll probably look for a clear sign, but being the 'stubborn' person that I am, I'll be biased in looking for that sign.

Well, I know you'll probably read this blogpost, and you're gonne smile and laugh.  You're probably gonna tease me about it one day...

p.s. I know I'll win. Don't deny it, because I've already won ;)

Goodbye

September is the month of goodbyes...

Soon you're leaving and flying off to a new place.  You're gonna enjoy yourself and experience new things.  I know you're going to fit in; I know you're gonna be fine.  I know you're gonna have tons of guys run after you (no matter how much you disagree).

So have a great time there and enjoy yourself to the fullest, but please don't forget me :)

Overwhelmed

Right now, I feel really pressed and pressured and here I am writing a blog post.  Well, this post has a purpose. It's my online access to my priorities and responsibilities for the rest of the year.  So I shall list everything in order of deadlines and then priority.

23-09 - KLIA
24-09 - 202 ERB draft and assessment 1
24-09 - 221 Pamphlet topic submission
25-09 - 121 Topic submission
27-09 - Band practice
28-09 - KLIA
30-09 - Christmas Script
02-10 - 121 Group assignment due
04-10 - Band practice
07-10 - Main Sanc duty
08-10 - 221 Video topic submission
11-10 - Band practice
14-10 - KAIROs Charity dinner
25-10 - 221 Pamphlet due
28-10 - Main Sanc duty
02-11 - 222 Group Assignment
07-11 - 202 Lab Report
18-11 - Main Sanc duty
19-11 - 222 Individual Assignment
23-11 - 221 Video due
02-12 - Main Sanc duty
*Things without a clear deadline:
????? - 121 Individual assignment due
????? - Worship video tutorial
????? -  Table Tennis Club Activities

I'll be adding more to this list as it continues :X

Just a Hiccup in this Hiatus

Why have I stopped blogging? I don't know. I don't seem intrigued anymore.
Now if I'm struck with emotions I just turn them into lyrics or prose which can all be found at pioneerinspired.blgspot.com

But then again, sometimes words need to be said.

My personal life is a mess. I like to think of myself as a logical person and that I won't simply make decisions based on this illogical thing called: emotions.  But to admit the truth, I do get rather emotional about my decisions MOST of the time.  And making this decision to fall might be the best or worse impulsive decision I've ever made.

I pride myself at being logical and hold on to precedence.  I pride myself in the ability to be loyal and hold on to hope. I pride myself at being idealistic and hold on to truths. I pride myself at being steadfast and hold on to consistency.  But truth being, I struggle a lot. I struggle with many decisions I make. I struggle with everything.  This brain of mine doesn't seem to work like everyone else. One moment I say that I won't fall for you and the next thing I know, I can't stop thinking about you.  Scumbag brain doesn't like to listen to me.

Now here comes the hardest part. To pursue or to let go. My decision would have been clearly the first, but factors have come to interfere with that.

Now I'm in a deadlock. Some part of me says to still give it a try, but then another part of me says that you deserve better.

Hopefully, absence will make the heart grow fonder :)

Girls have it easier

I was having this long conversation with a friend and I've come to a conclusion that girls have it easier when it comes to BGR and stuff.

Of course I've never been in a relationship before, but from observation...it's no wonder that guys are the ones that have a shorter lifespan.

1. Guys do the chasing.  Maybe in this modern world, the girl gets her hands a little dirty, but in most cases, it's the guy that has to go through the heartache and nervous traumas that comes with having the guts to ask a girl out.  And how is that fair?  Guys have to live with the rejection while the girls hold the power of a guy's heart in her hands.

2. Guys plan everything.  When it comes to dates, the guys usually do all the planning. The where to go and the what to do along with the hows.

3. Guys have to remember everything.  When it comes to anniversaries, birthdays, special occasions, favorite restaurants, time of the months, appointments, guys are pressured to remember everything.  Sure, girls also do the remembering, but they remember these things to test the guys. Where's the justice in that?

4. Guys have to cope with everything. Take the mood swings, the expectations, the responsibility. Guys have to take it all.

5. Guys have to be gentlemanly. In their conduct, no matter how stressed they are, no matter how busy, they have to be the cool gentleman and be the stable person.

These points may not be the case in ALL BGR cases, but I'm pretty sure these are the most common reasons as to why girls get it off easier.

Saying all this, I guess, I don't mind it.  I've been raised to take on this role. But for this time at least, I don't feel that I'm prepared for a relationship. I'm not ready to take GOOD care of another person without losing myself in the process.  It's easy to talk about relationships but it's hard to live one, and I'm not sure whether I can take that kind of pressure.  But with the time that I'm spending trying to be a better person, my options are running lesser and lesser.  I believe that if God had ever intended me to be married, He's preparing that beautiful girl the same to live with my lousiness as well as my plus points, just as He's preparing me for her.  :)


* Disclaimer: no offence was intended to any gender whatsoever.  If you felt hurt, then it only means I hit a soft spot.

The Robber's Cave Experiment in Reality

We have existed as a group long before even I joined them.  We've always been called close friends even to the point of being called exclusive.  Well, I liked that. For once in my life I was in the exclusive group instead of the ones being left out.  We have done things as a group - we've gone out, we've eaten together, we've performed together, we've even coordinated clothes together.

But the biggest threat to our fragility of our group is ourselves.  Our diversity often became a struggle as one party had to learn to adjust and accept another party.  This has caused tension in our group sure, but we've always managed to survive and move on.  We've adapted; we've prevailed.  Then a great suggestion that we should take some time off together for a trip comes...

What do you get when you have two evenly matched groups debating for the destination of their choice? Well, there are only three outcomes possible. 1) One group budges and lets the other group win. 2) The group splits into two and go their separate ways. 3) The group goes no where.

Scenario 1 is the most likely to happen. We are close-knit.  We won't want this fight to go on for too long. one side would budge, but there will definitely be some unhappy people especially from the side who seems to have perceived to have lost.  The possibility of some of them declining to go for the trip as a protest against their loss, is a possibility, but so is the possibility of the other side "rubbing it in".
I just hope when the decisions are made, some making up can be done.  There is going to be disappointments.

Scenario 2 is the one I'm hoping will not happen. I hate being left out and I hate it more when I have to chose between two groups of friends.

Scenario 3 is what will happen if no decision can be made.  It'll be a sad scenario, but in this case everyone loses and so after the blame-game is over, there'll be no more fighting.

It's just like what my lecturer mentioned in class. "The more choices you give to people, the least happy they are."  For every option you introduce, you create a "what-if" scenario.  It's like making a decision based on a throw of a dice.  As Abed from Community would have said, "we will be creating six new alternate realities."

Now to explain the title. The Robber's Cave experiment was a classic experiment in which two groups of kids were pitted against each other.  The competition among them started with little name-calling and then escalated to intense rivalry.  To make them friends, the experimenters introduced a superordinate goal which is a goal where both groups are forced to work together to solve a common problem.

So the question would be. After this conflict, and after a compromise has been agreed upon. Would we need a superordinate goal to bring us back together as the 'tight-knit exclusive' group we once were? Or can we find it in ourselves to give and take?

Prophesy vs Destiny

Whenever people talk to me about prophesies I become skeptical.  I do not doubt the possibility of prophesies to come true, but I doubt the source more often than not.  We hear of the great prophets of old who could predict the future of mankind and even the death of kings.  How Jesus' coming was foreseen more than a century before he arrived. But in the modern world...

I believe that there are still breathing and living prophets in this day and age, but prophesies have been corrupted to the point that many are desensitized to the truth.  Suppose a person receives a prophecy from a man of God and it does not come true, then doubt arises in this person and his faith is in jeopardy.  Many so-called prophets has laid claim to 'divine vision' and influenced people to succumb to their so-called destinies.  The one of the most famous of these so-called 'spiritual men', Jim Jones, made all his followers drink cyanide because he 'foresaw' the end days.  Hundreds of lives wasted and gone because they believed in a madman's prophecy.

Many who have laid claim to divine revelation have tried to make it big in the media. We have online prophets and TV sensational stars that all claimed to have a message from the most high.  Billions have been fooled out of billions.  And here I sometimes get criticized for being too skeptical.

The matter being questioned here is whether prophecies and destinies coincide or conflict.  Is there a possibility that the prophesy you have received can come into direct conflict with your destiny?

Many people believe in destiny.  They believe that we are all made with a purpose to fulfill a certain calling or duty before moving on. Well, I believe that we all have a destiny.  I believe we have a purpose to accomplish something in this life.

So how does this come into conflict with prophesies?  Well, there does not need to be necessary conflict.  If your prophecy coincides with your destiny and they do not clash, then you do not have a dilemma.

People hate and love the unknown.  It is our curiosity and fear of it that make us seek our fortune-tellers, which-doctors, prophets, and even theoretical physicists for the answers to our future. This is why when we hear a good prophecy about ourselves, such as we'll have success in business or we'll get married and have a beautiful family, we fail to entertain or acknowledge the lines in-between.  Taking a prophecy at face value is as good as marrying the first girl you see because the drunk guy down the street said you two will live happily ever after.  The greatest prophetic book (some will argue it's not prophetic) in the Bible, Revelations, is full of colorful and descriptive words that until today have yet to be fully deciphered.  So names people see in visions never necessary have to mean that you will meet a specific person with that name.  It could be a quality attributed to that name. Take Nehemiah for example: If someone prophesied that you would meet a guy named Nehemiah (We can all agree that meeting a man named Nehemiah in this day and age would be quite interestingly rare), it could mean that you were going to meet a short girl (Knee-high Maya).

Jokes aside.  This is a touchy issue.  I'm just voicing out my thoughts.  Honestly, I think I'm just a skeptical person.  I see conspiracies everywhere.

Yes, I sang a cover

I know it's off in many places, but please hear the message behind the song :)

              

May the angels protect you

Trouble neglect you

And heaven accept you when it's time to go home

May you always have plenty

Your glass never empty

Know in your belly

You're never alone

May your tears come from laughing

You find friends worth having

With every year passing

They mean more than gold

May you win and stay humble

Smile more than grumble

And know when you stumble

You're never alone 

Never alone

Never a lo ne

I'll be in every beat of your heart

When you face the unknown

Wherever you fly

This isn't goodb y e

My love will follow you stay with you

Baby you're never alone

Well, I have to be honest

As much as I want it

I'm not gonna promise that cold winds won't blow

So when hard times have found you

And your fear surround you

Wrap my love around you

You're never alone

Never alone

Never alone

I'll be in every beat of your heart

When you face the unknown

Wherever you fly

This isn't goodbye

My love will follow you stay with you

Baby you're never alone

Of Eggs and Baskets

Ever heard the phrase, "Never keep all your eggs in one basket."? 


Well, what it basically means, don't put your all into just one thing.  Always have a backup plan. In case, you know, one of your eggs...hatches, and turns out to be godzilla's eggs and starts stomping all the other eggs out and before you know it your basket is just this container carrying all this yolk and egg white and balut D:


Well, that was a LITTLE over-exaggerating but the point is clear. People always advice you not to pour all your hope into something. This applies to everything.  From investment and gambling, to luxury time, and even relationships.


Yes, even relationships. I've seen many friends who have done the opposite of this wise warning and instead used the 'all-or-nothing' approach to their relationships...well, it did not turn out well for many of them, but when it did work, it was magical.  


So is there anything wrong with putting all your eggs in one basket? Is there anything wrong with giving someone all your eggs (sounds funny coming from a guy..meh) and hope that this someone doesn't listen to humpty dumpty? It's a risk, a big fat risk, and well, honestly I know it's beyond the odds to find somebody out there that will really take good care of those eggs.  


Something about guys like me is that, well, we tend to love to be hipsters and defy the world by putting our eggs in one basket in hope that by giving everything we have, we wouldn't lose anything in return. I mean, you reap what you sow right? So, technically, we should reap the greater harvest because we sow everything we have in the same place.  We survey the land and find the land we think should be the best to plant in and we plant everything we have there hoping that everything would grow.  If we planted rightly, then we will reap the harvest; if we planted wrongly, then we reap nothing.  


I know it's wrong to keep all my eggs in one basket, but I just can't help feeling that maybe, just maybe, we will reap the greater harvest.  That little maybe is enough.

Homosexuality

At CUG last week we had a talk on Homosexuality.  I wouldn't say it was an eye opener, because being in psychology, you tend to face this issue very often, but I did have time to actually hear out opinions and actually form some of my own.

But to start off as a JOKE, I would tell you one possibility of homosexuality that I just about that night itself.  If we subscribe to one of the theories that states that the Earth is constantly trying to balance itself like cope with Global Warming by shifting the climate around, then we get a very funny scenario.  There's this theory that says that the Earth tries to balance the overpopulation of the planet by famine and wars...so could that be an explanation for homosexuality?
Btw, it's a joke don't take it seriously.

What I really believe in is that homosexuality is a degradation of discipline among the generations.  I mean at least the awareness of homosexuality has been only a modern point of interest.  Before my father's generation, these things were always hidden away. You never heard of people declaring their orientation so out-rightly.

I believe that there are people who are skewed to the other side, but I'm not convinced that they did not have another choice.  In the olden days, discipline (cultural, personal, and familial) was what kept this at bay.  People knew that it was taboo.  People knew that it was wrong.  But desensitization has happened.  People started accepting a little taboo, and therefore they started accepting a bigger taboo.  It's a very common concept, marketers call it the foot-in-the-door technique.  We first fought against homosexual behavior, then we began just ignoring it, and then denying that it has escalated this far, and it moved on until now that it has almost become as part of society. And now that it's a part of society, it's going to be hard to go away.  It's a scab that you continually scratch but keeps coming back.

Once again this is my opinion. It's not meant to offend anyone.

Atheism

I think I'm too volatile to have a blog now...actually the desire to blog has totally left me, but I will update whenever I feel like it.


But nonetheless (as the title goes).  I read something about atheist recently and I came up with this conclusion: 

"I think I have a respect for atheists. Because to have a belief that we come from nowhere and also go to nowhere, is amazing. When things go wrong, atheists have no one to blame but themselves; they have to live with every mistake because it won't go away. I honestly think I don't have that kind of faith: to believe that nobody's out there. I believe it's far more comforting to know that there's a silent but listening God than to think that there is nothing out there."

I don't think I can believe that there is no one out there who is looking out for me, and because of this inability to believe this, I have to believe that there is someone out there :)

I used to think...

That people were interested with my thoughts and what I was thinking. That's one of the reasons why I started blogging in the first place, but look where I am now after 4 years...

I'm still where I was.  This blog has never seen an audience larger than my fingers...

What does this say? No one is interested. My thoughts have never been more than that. My opinions have been never been more than that. So where does this leave my blog? I'm still keeping, but I'm doubting I'm going to update much anymore...

If people bother to know how I am, I would appreciate the simple face-to-face conversation...that is if people bothered la.

I'm giving up on trying.

Sigh, and I thought I was over discovering who I am...

A New Semester - Fast Forward

Reading journals on the first week of Uni is a little weird, but such is life, I guess. 


I'm glad that this semester did not give me as much issues as last semester.  I'm trusting that this sem would be one more relaxed as compared to the last sem.  I don't have to worry about group members at least that is certain and removes one of last sem's biggest stressors.  I also don't have the subject dilemma since I settled it last sem.  


One great stress for this sem would be the short sem though.  16 weeks worth of a course is crushed and compressed into 8.  I've survived it once, I believe I can do it again...hopefully.


Things seem to be looking up.  The negative thoughts are leaving. Well, at least I'm free for the moment.  I know I gotta stop thinking too much, but sometimes my brain is a scumbag.  


Good news is that soon it's going to be the long holidays and gives me a well-deserved break. I'm going to start planning for the sem break...I haven't planned anything since last year's let down. Time to change that.  


But before I get too far, I got to get to the present.  This semester would be stressful for sure. I'm going to have to read up on a lot this sem. Taking two study subjects might prove tiresome but I'm willing to take the risk.  


I'm thankful for my timetable even though I hated it earlier.  This timetable gives me the ability to plan proper hang-outs - and hopefully I'll get to go out with the people I want to.  It's been some time since I've seen some friends.  :)


Well, cheers to a good semester!

Do the Saved need Saving?

Because of something that happened to me recently, this question popped into my head:

Do the saved need saving?

Hebrews 10:25 states: "Not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near."

But do we still do this in the modern "maggi-mee" generation?  Nowadays I see more and more events to lure people into the Church - we have concerts, plays, rallies, and such, but what happens after the person is saved? Follow up is a rare practice in our modern world.  When you are saved, everyone assumes you are alright on your own. If you need anything, you can ask for it.  How rare have I ever heard anyone tell me, "Hey, you alright? Is there anything I can do for you?"; instead I often hear the "How are you?" and the classic response, "Alright".  Oh, how I sometimes wonder what would happen if I answered that question truthfully. Would you stay and listen attentively, or say you have something else that needs to be done? 

Many Christians still need saving, not from the question of their faith, but from their question of their fellow brothers and sisters.  

For me, who bothers about my place in the church? After all, almost everyone sees me as a Pastor's kid, a Reverend's boy, and the "He-doesn't-need-saving" kind.  Even though my "soul is secure", my faith is "solid", I'm a "good" Christian boy, I still need encouragement, I'm still human, I still need friendships.  

This is not a question of faith, as I said earlier.  It is, in fact, a question about Christians.  Why are we so double-minded? We portray to the outside world that we are a caring community, but that's just our screensaver.  We wear smiles every Sunday, but those who know us, know that somewhere behind that mask is an individual suffocating in his own facade. 

I've tried to be initiative even though it ran against my personality.  I tried to reach out to those corner kids, those with one leg out, because I know what they are going through.  I tried to be the welcoming one, but I'm drained - I'm tired now.  I'm tired of forcing a smile on my face.  

It feels like everyone's efforts are on the people walking into the main entrance of the Church, while they fail to notice those who are sneaking out the backdoor.  

What wake up call do we need to start being a community again?  Even though we are saved, we still need saving.

Have a little faith

Out of the blue last week, I decided to buy a book when I was at Popular.  This was the first time a bought a book this year besides my textbooks.  I bought two books that day: The Hobbit and Have a Little Faith.  I haven't started the Hobbit yet because I have yet to finish reading Lord of the Rings, but I finished Have a Little Faith in three days...

Until now I'm not sure what compelled me to buy that book.  The title popped out when I was going through the 50% less pile.  I'm glad that I picked it up.

The book is written by Mitch Albom and his experiences with his Rabbi and a Pastor. The book is filled with life lessons that we often follow but never know why.  One thing I've brought back from the book was a reason why many of us believe in a god - we need someone to turn to when we are in our darkest moments.  Who do we blame when something unforeseen - like a death of a loved one - comes crashing to reality? Who can we ask for comfort?

Just like any beginning, the book started with a question. This question inspired Albom to write this book.  A Rabbi's request for Albom to do his eulogy turned into a lesson on life.  A lesson that would break religious barriers and show the difference between religious faith and religious hate.

The movie that came out showed some stories that were not in the book.  The movie showed more about Pastor Corvington.  He is a clear example of how God can take one messed-up man and change him into a vessel.  I would have thought that the movie would end with Albom giving the Rabbi's eulogy, but it ended in the church... It ended by telling that just after a year since the publication of the book, Pastor Corvington died.  But before he died, he did all he could do to appreciate the grace that God has given him.  Both the book and the movie are a challenge to me - to do the things that I can to help those that I can...

Maybe that's what we all need... we just need someone to challenge us and to have a little faith that it can be done.

Will you remember me?

It seems that one is so easily forgotten in the midst of people.  It shouldn't hurt that much.
It shouldn't hurt when people leave you out of conversations. It shouldn't hurt that when they do, they discuss about doing things for other people, but not for you...
It shouldn't hurt that the very people in whom you depended on were not the people you thought they were.

Maybe I think too much, maybe it was a bad time, but I think it's a little of everything.  I've done my best to stay the strong one, I've tried my best to be the constant presence, but being constant means you get forgotten.  It's like Newton's First Law of Motion: An object will remain at rest or in motion unless a greater force acts upon it.

"remain at rest or in motion" They are one of the same force.  You can be the nonexistent presence and people will remember you, you can be the guy who visited once, and they'll still remember you. You can be the irregular visitor for all I know, but what if you are the constant?  Being the constant is as good as being the unnoticed.  What if you feel constantly neglected?  I've given all I've got, I've attended all that needed attending, I've spoken all that needed to be said, and yet, why don't I feel like I've even made one miserable dent in the lives of the people that I care for?

You ask me to contribute and I do, but what do I get in return? I've invested, I've given, I've paid, I've done everything that can be done for everyone that ever meant a thing to me.  Where is my reimbursement? I know true friends invest and expect nothing in return, but they still get at least the comfort of knowing that!

Sometimes I feel like disappearing just to see if I am missed.  I've tried it once, twice, but when I returned, no one bothered asking, "What happened to you?" It turns out being a constant also meant being unnoticeable.  After all, 'I'm ALWAYS there'.  No one bothers to ask, "Are you going to this, are you going for that?" Why? Because they ASSUME that I'll be, and if I don't go, it doesn't matter...

Those that leave overseas are remembered more than me, those that left are more remembered than me, those that have done so little are more remembered than me.  I'm hurt beyond anything I've ever felt, I'm lower than any low I've ever been in...

But I won't show it...

Being the observer has taught me one thing: it's that if they care, they'll bother.  I don't have to burst for people to take notice.  I don't have to yell for people to look.  If I've truly invested in these people, then I would say now is the testing time to see whether I've invested in the right things...

I'm done here

No more blogs...
No one bothers what my story is anyways...

There's too much going on...and I feel that everything is so cooked inside of me that I'm giving up.  I'm letting myself burn. I've been lying to myself saying that blogging will help - it will help release stress, I can tell the world my story.

But who wants to hear my story?

Good bye

Wilderness

There shouldn't be anything wrong with me life now.  There shouldn't be any socially awkward moments anymore.  There shouldn't be any feelings of loneliness I should be facing.  But why am I?

Learned in 223 that being sad makes you wiser.  So I'm guessing that this afternoon's incident has put me in a spot where I can reflect more about my life.  So what's up? It's been building for sometime now. It started with the really bad mood swing at the beginning of the week., and I thought that phase was over, now I think I'm having a relapse.  I've been stuck in this wilderness for sometime. Always feeling on my own.  Always feeling that no one cares...

The sadder but wiser theory...I see why now.

It's funny that sometimes you are just forgotten in a crowd of people even though you were the loudest. It's funny that sometimes you are not remembered even though you did the most.  It's funny that sometimes recognition is given to someone else even though you deserve it too...

I know I'm probably overthinking and overeading things, but I feel that I do not have enough evidence to support otherwise.  I'm trying and trying to see life from a positive point of view, but the negatives always comes back to haunt me.

I feel that I'm slowly losing my sanity - my grip on reality.  It's getting overbearing and I just need a break from everything.  Anyways, who would care if I disappear?

I had dreams once...I had plans once...I had hopes once...yea, once.

Good bye

3 years on the give...

Always on the give and rarely on the take. 

I wonder how much more until I will break...

How much more can I tolerate,

How much more before I hate?

Seriously, you've told me things you don't like about me, and I changed it.  I don't see why you can't do the same...

be prepared to be wowed

See, I'm gonna wear you down; I'm gonna make you see :)

So now to prove that I'm right, I got to run a survey...I can do that.

To prove I can, I got to write you something worth 100 lines...challenge accepted. 

Be prepared to be wowed ;)

The words I would say

Just discovered the Sidewalk Prophets.  And I must say that they are really a blessed band. Their musicality and lyrics are amazing and I love them the most for the latter.  This song is the one I find the most inspirational. I love especially the chorus that says:

Be strong in the Lord and,
Never give up hope,
You're going to do great things,
I already know,
God's got His hand on you so,
Don't live life in fear,
Forgive and forget,
But don't forget why you're here,
Take your time and pray,
These are the words I would say, 

There is peace in the eye of the storm.

For the next few weeks until my finals I'll be burning midnight oil and whatever I have just to survive.

My agenda for the next few weeks.
Friday (16th March): Assignment due
Thursday (22nd March): Class test
Friday (23rd March): Assignment due
Friday (30th March): Assignment due
Monday (2nd April): Assignment due
Friday (6th April): Assignment due
Friday (6th April): Assignment due
Friday (20th April): Finals begin
Thursday (26th April): Finals end


This list is scaring me O.O
Not to mention planning to watch the vow with you...where on earth am I going to fit that in? But I will :) haha

This is not going to be a fun 7 weeks...

Under Pressure

You know how confident I sounded when I said I could handle five subjects? Well, not I'm regretting, but it's too late now.  I'm pressured by so many things at the moment that it's not funny anymore.  I'm losing myself in this chaos.

This week alone, I had meetings for all my assignment groups.  I barely have time for myself now.  Being captain of the psychology ping pong team is another burden that I took on this year as well as joining the psychology volleyball team.  All these on top of last year's commitments.  Last year, I joined the HELPsych Gazette and the Cohort Effect.  Not to mention church commitments like the CUG committee and the worship team. I actually wonder how some people can handle so much things. I need to work on a working schedule and try my best to make it work. I need commitment.

One thing that has kept me sane is my social relationships.  I realized that having a group of friends like the 93s have really kept me moving all these while.  I mean, I don't think I can compare them with any other group out there.  They are like my spiritual, intellectual, physical, mental, emotional, musical, and social battery. If ever I feel that I can't take it anymore, I hold on until the weekend to get recharged from them :)  I really honestly thank God for you bunch of awesome people!

Another social relationship that has helped me keep my sanity is you :) Everytime you reply a message, it brings a smile to my face and that smile is enough to keep me running for a long time. I know this will be a bumpy ride, but I wouldn't want to ride it with anyone else...

The Uni-mates can't really be called destressors since their very presence reminds me of my assignments, but you guys are great nonetheless :)

Well, now back to my assignment!

Church Hopping 2.0 - ACTs

It was a pleasant day yesterday well except for the car accident...

So church hopping 2.0 happened yesterday and this time I went to ACTs church in Summit USJ.  So their service began at 9:15 but we arrived a little too early.  We joined them for their pre-service prayer meeting that I must say was really an eye-opener.

The worship was quite short but meaningful nonetheless. What I really loved about the entire service was the sermon.  I mean it's the first time I actually took notes on a Sunday morning.

Ps. Kenneth Chin spoke about being a witness.  They way he spoke was really inspirational.  I wanted to walk out the place and preach to the first person I saw.  He reinforced many of my beliefs and taught me many new things.  One thing I've taken back is the encouragement that we don't have to be know-it-alls to witness, after all, we are called to witness OUR story and who knows our story better than us? Something I took back was the fact that we are called to be GOOD witnesses.  This has been my aim for sometime - to be a good person regardless of the situation and my mood.  A good encouragement.  I have to die to rejection and continue to be a good witness :)

I felt the church welcoming and professional at the same time.  I mean, they dress up for Sunday service so that they can give God their best.  I found the way they began their prayer in the morning rather unique as well.

Overall, it was a good service and experience.  I understand why this church is so blessed.

Where should I head to next?