Gone are the Youthful Years

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

- 1 Corinthians 13:11

I remember quite fondly the first time I stepped into my degree life not so long ago. I clearly remember hunting down familiar faces and sticking with them. I also clearly remembering that the person that I thought didn't want to have any conversation with me became my best bro. The youthful years have passed.

This year marks the end of many things. And as it so often is with may endings, they make new space for new beginnings.

Gone are the years of Degree Life. They have sped by like a sparrow fleeing a hawk. It felt like just yesterday that we were all strangers in that little crowded room eyeing the faces of our future friends. Now here we are three years after. We've definitely changed. People moved on, people stayed, and I'm glad for every one of them. I'm glad for the new friends especially - for the gang of psychos that I know will go far in life. These psychos are the ones who have taught me the most in life. They have taught me that age is no restraint. They have taught me what it means to look out for one another. They have taught me the importance of balancing studies and leisure. They have taught me to have an end goal in mind. They have taught me that it is better to focus on building relationships that matter. They have taught me how to correct without hurting. They have taught me how to have a good time. I owe them all greatly. I would name them but it would only spoil the mystery. You psychos know who you are.

Gone are the years of sidelines. This year as a leader of a youth group has taught me the importance of many things. The importance trust and the importance of planning. The importance of correcting without discouraging. The importance of peace and the importance of supporting. The importance of teamwork and the importance of grace. The importance of bridges and the importance of bonds. The importance of strong leaders and the importance of following.

Gone are the years of idealism. This world is greyscaled, and it is time I realize that.

Gone are the years of ignorance. This nation won't change unless it starts with me.

Gone are the years of waywardness. It is time to know what I want and set a goal to reach it.

Gone are the years of wandering. No more time to waste as the youthful years have passed.

Pretty sure that there are many facets of the youthful years that need some doing away with, but the rest remains personal. All in all 2013 was an eventful year in which true colors were revealed and realizations were met. Though some things that were realized aren't really the nicest colors in the world, I shall accept them all as lessons nonetheless. To the people who have stuck by me throughout this year, thank you for being part of this journey of growing up. To the people who joined in my journey this year, welcome aboard and let's learn together. To the people who have gone away, may we meet again on better terms.

So Youthful Years, I bid thee farewell as next year shall herald in the beginning of working life *shudders*

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed.

"...And I will swallow my pride...and I'm saying goodbye..."

- A Great Big World

It has been awhile. It has been awhile since I've felt like I was in control of myself. Sometimes, you get caught up in the comings and goings that you forget that you are suppose to be an agent - a catalyst - instead you realized that all you've been doing was following the predetermined motions set in place by society. You find you need to remind yourself to smile when you're talking to people (hide away your cluttered brain full of doubts and criticism) and just attempt to survive with a decent conversations. You find you need to remind yourself to be excited about certain activities (even though it seems that you aren't even important in those activities) that this event is not about you. You find you need to constantly keep track of what you're doing as you're constantly shifting between consciousness and unconsciousness. You find yourself waking up (as if from a dream) in the middle of a road, in the end of a lecture, and even in the midst of friends. You find yourself drifting off. You're losing that connection. You're losing that essence of humanity known as empathy. Your critical brain is screaming hypocrite but you know better than to say it out loud. Instead, you hide with an awkward laugh, and a polite smile.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed? Oh mind, how often have ye been deceived? 

As often as I would like to think that I'm analytic and conscious with my decisions, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that I'm smart, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that every decision I make has been thought through with much deliberation and the consequent action that was made is the best and most logical option, I know it often is not. Time and time again I'm deceived by the eyes. The eyes see and the eyes want. It is only natural to want things, but it often is not ever wise.

You were the first to deceive my eyes and ever since then, you've continued to do so. Though my mind knows the truth that cognition will never allow such a pairing, the eyes continue to hope. Like a yo-yo, the thought of giving up has come and gone for more often then they should. I keep turning on myself.

It has reached the point that it has to come to an end. No more compromises. The decision for that possible future has been closed for the undetermined future. It has gone on too far. Bouncing probabilities and playing myself to near drainage. It's time to let go and open up other doors. Can't keep hoping on a bad bet. Can't keep holding on to narrow chances.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed, but I have not lost my trust in thee.

Never realized how important cognitive compatibility was until this lesson. Never realized that people with so much potential can choose to play it down and accept stagnation. Never realized that qualities that I can't bear to see, are so abundant around me.

How to kill your own mood...

I've done it again. I've managed to take a completely innocent situation and make it about how the world is against me. I've managed to find the fault in the conversations and I haven't even started trying...my brain just does the killing. And I cause myself unnecessary anxiety and grief. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I doubt so much? Can I blame introversion for this again? No. I know I can blame society or the people around me, but it becomes counter productive because by blaming everyone around my social circle, I create a social gap that is filled by my complaints that ultimately pushes society away from me. I don't want that. But I don't want to be left behind either. And that is how I kill my own mood.

When friends talk about their trips to go this place and that, the automatic thing I say is 'bo jio' and that is often followed by their explanation on why I wasn't invited in the first place (eg. Aren't you busy? You just went there. We thought that you wouldn't want to go. Oops, we forgot.) and these explanations often translate into the same thing in my brain which is: You're not invited or We don't want you there. Because even if you genuinely forgot to invite me, it means that I wasn't on that invite list to begin with.

And that becomes a blast to the self-esteem. Might as well throw me down a social ladder down to the pit where all the other social outcasts belongs because being remembered is pretty important in my book. When I'm not remembered, some leaf of hope that sprang forth from actually feeling accepted withers away. When I'm not given a voice to speak, that branch where that leaf grew from falls to the ground.

Yes, it's probably me. Just like every other thing that has been happening. I don't deny that my overthinking has something to do with it, but I have to jut in that the overthinking seed was planted  by situations. The reason why I don't feel accepted is from years and years of feeling left out.

Even right now as I type these words, I'm all alone in a classroom-sized room. Right next door is probably 20 of my fellow classmates (I hear by voice and see via a small gap in the door)... Not their fault that there's something more entertaining on the other side, but the thing I can't get out of my head is, why didn't anyone bothered to invite my over? Why?

So yes, I can conclude that my overthinking has gotten a hold of me, it's not their fault...that they planned a trip and forgot to invite me. It's not their fault that they cut me out of conversations. It's not their fault that I take things too sensitively. It's not their fault that I'm an introvert and that I "supposedly" prefer isolation even though conversations are all I crave for.  It's my fault for thinking about it. It's my fault for being sensitive. It's my fault for listening to their great times they had at that place in which I wasn't invited. It's my fault for needing to be remembered. It's my fault for overthinking. It's my fault for killing my own mood. It's my fault...

Why I seem to enjoy big groups

Just the other day, I was over at a friend's house with a big bunch of friends for swimming, and when the host and I sat down for a bit, I was asked this question: Why do I like big groups? I had an answer ready, but then another person came along and I didn't get my chance to answer. Since, I'm a person that needs closure, this post will have to suffice.

So why do I seem to enjoy crowds? Before we take on that question, I feel it should be right to introduce my background. At my core, I'm an introverted homeschooler. So for the most part, I'm not supposed to like "crowds". I'm supposed to be emotionally drained from all the socializing. I'm supposed to lurk in a corner with my face in a book or tablet. I'm not supposed to like a big bunch of people surrounding themselves and stretching my attention thin, wearing me out, and denying me the one-to-one attention introverts crave for.

It's easier to hide in big groups
Yes, when it all comes down to it, I find groups attractive mainly due to the fact that not all the attention is on you. You are "part" of the group, but not necessary need to be a "contributing" member. I can hide and "recharge" without missing anything in big groups because the group's attention is volatile. I do a lot of starring in big groups. I do a lot of observing. I can be completely ignored in big group yet feel like I was part of the conversations with just an occasional nod of my head.

Big groups have more doing and going
Big group activities are easier to plan. They are almost always mostly pre-planned, and have very little room for error. As a person who likes my days booked beforehand to avoid an unnecessary rescheduling, having pre-planned activities such as bowling, swimming, hiking, and even just visiting a house clears up my anxiety by a lot because I can mentally prepare for the coming conversations, traditions, and other social habits. Big groups are more predictable.

Less socially awkward situations 
If I was in a small group, every socially awkward thing I do is multiplied by infinity, while in a big group, they may hardly even be noticed. There's just too many people around that like my first point mentioned: I can hide.

Big groups make me feel like I'm part of something bigger
There's no better feeling than feeling that you're doing something big in your life, and being part of a big group somehow replicates that feeling that you're part of something bigger. It doesn't matter if it's your movie group or mamak buddies, just the act of doing something with a whole bunch of other people has an euphoric feeling attached to it. And that's probably why a lot of people do crazy things in groups (insert diffusion of responsibility lecture).

Big groups means there're less people left out
Being once the guy who felt left out, I always try to make it a point to make sure that everyone feels a belonging. I feel bad when I see people I care about left out, and that is the reason why I normally end up planning big events that eventually flop. When I see mutual friends posting about group hang outs that I wasn't invited to, I feel rather down. BO JIO. And I wouldn't wish that on people I care about.

There's never a conversation that I can't join
Another reason I like big groups is the fact that they consist of smaller groups. Many-a-times I feel rather left out in my social circles when people start talking about government school and stuff that I was never a part of. When this situation happened, I would walk away and join another conversation. There's almost always a group of people that I can join, and in this way, I won't feel too left out.

I don't know any other way

After all the plus points about why I "enjoy" bigger groups, the truth is that, big groups are the only way I know how to go. For all my life, my social gatherings have always been about the quantity. From youth groups to college groups, most of my conversing life has been in big groups. It was only recently that I starting attending smaller scaled gatherings. Before this, I wasn't the one to be invited to these "exclusive" functions, but being able to join smaller groups has made me realize how much I'm actually missing. I'm slowly learning how to communicate in a smaller circle.

So to conclude, it's not that I love crowds and prefer them over smaller groups, it's just that I've not had the proper opportunity to mix at a smaller scale. I do not enjoy big groups over small groups, but I guess I need to brush up on my one-to-one if I am to communicate more effectively in smaller groups.

And just as I thought I was in the clear

...the thing called life catches up with a vengeance.

When I exited my final paper last Friday, I felt relieved - I felt alive once again. One big burden lifted from my chest, but it was only temporary. You see, while one burden was over, it was replaced by another pressing burden in this never ending cue of burdens waiting to receive your attention. In between there, I realized that I've lost myself. I became a creature of doing and not of thinking. Going through the status quo - following routine. Why? Because I've known no other life.

As far back, I've been taught that if I'm not studying, I'm working, and if I'm not working, I'm studying. I've been educated to the rat race of society in which living is only worth it if you are earning. And it is essentially no one's fault. It's no one's fault to believe that money = progress. It's no one's fault to think that there's no other life worth living than an earning one. But this is where I begin to lose my grip on reality.

Being caught up in this rat race, I've lost track of what I love. They say that the happiest people in the world are the one's who do what they love for a living, but due to various reasons including age, race, and opportunities, the things I really love doing are not enough to make a living here. So my dreams are fulfilled by the opportuned and the spoilt, while I live their worst imaginable nightmares (at least work towards living that nightmare).

This is predominantly an Asian thing (By 'this', I mean the whole work for pay and pay for work cycle) and I'm often envious of other cultures being allowed to go out and 'explore' the world - to discover who they are, what they love, where they belong. I'm envious at the fact that I probably would never be allowed that freedom - that freedom to feel no weight on my shoulders to be truly free from all responsibilities, to feel absolute bliss. I'm envious that the more I look into the future, the more bleak it seems - I see an unhappy and stressed out Reuben sitting behind a desk typing random things into a computer with an endless pile of paperwork next to him. I see a tired Reuben struggling to force a smile when he reaches home to his family. I see a worn-out Reuben who is complaining about the system but eventually accepts it as unchanging. I see a defeated Reuben whose mind is full of "what-ifs" and regrets.

I don't wanna be that sad little cooked up kid. I feel that I've been prepared for more than just being boxed up. I believe that I've been prepared for a borderless reality with unlimited opportunities, but things are just weighing me down. With expectations of a better life comes with it the anxiety of failure, and sometimes just thinking of the failure is enough.

What I need right now is a reflective getaway. I want to get out into a mountain and look down on the entire Klang Valley and say "everything is so minute". I want to be able to see that my problems aren't that big a deal and that I can overcome them. I want to be able to climb a mountain look down and see everything in a different perspective. I want to seek God and beg him to reveal the plans he has for me. But all these wants can never truly be met because of one thing: Time. I won't be able to find the time for solitude (not this year anyways). I won't be able to find time to let alone breathe. So I have to work with what I've got. I have to cherish the little amount of me time I have and pray that it is enough for personal growth. I have to constantly take away all distractions to allow myself time to think.

I'm not in the clear with regards of my future, and I'm pretty sure that I'll never be truly clear, but I'm just hoping, praying, that some light will be shed on this future that seems to be all bleak and lonely.

Overwhelmed

I seriously need to learn to say no to some things.

There's no time to breathe, there's no time to think. And I'm resorting to working on instincts.

Can't wait for the holidays to begin. At least it takes away some of the academic stress and gives me something thinking time to fix my thesis.

Bye..

Reflection

You know how one day everything could be working out fine - you have someone to talk to on Whatsapp, you feel excited for the day, and you excel in everything you put your head to - and then comes one day in which nothing seems to be working - the last message you received was from 4 days ago, waking up becomes a chore, and you make stupid mistakes in things you could literally do with your eyes closed. I kinda hit the latter recently.  All things came crashing down.  It was not the workload or the academic stress. It was not the multitudes of planned commitments or social gatherings.  It was just a small little disappointment that really killed the mood. And now here I am, stuck in this semi-depressed state, thinking about how on earth could one little thing like that cause such a big change in my affect - the butterfly effect.

I guess it was a buildup that came when the image that I have been building all my life slapped me in my face. A realization that I was not the person that I imagined myself to be. I thought I was okay (Let me explain what I mean by okay. I thought I had invested in social relationships to withdraw something, I thought I had done enough to be remembered when gatherings were called into place, I thought being the forgotten one was the thing of the past, but the truth was that everything was in my head. I wasn't the socialite that had everyone's attention I was the silent observer with nothing to say but reruns. I wasn't the confidant in which had the trust of others; I was the guy who happened to be in the right circle of conversations.). So I thought everything was okay, until the whirlwind of reality hit. 

The problem with this is that I cannot pinpoint where it started. It came quietly and before I knew it, I was trapped and could not escape. Being a psychology candidate, it was ironic that I couldn't get myself out of the state.  There was not enough self-counselling, there was not enough self-reflection to get myself out of the state. With this came the realization that I was not an island. How could I ask people to confide in me when there's nothing shared on my side? I've never been the classic Chinaman who kept all problems to myself. Why? I've always thought that people wouldn't be interested in my story. I've always thought that my problems were not that big a deal when compared to others. I've always thought that sharing made me look weak. Classic Chinaman.  Having an introverted and anxious personality didn't help either. I didn't want to show the world I was hurt. I wanted to be the anchor that was strong enough. And because of pride, I was forced to be humbled. 

Guess in itself this was a wake up call. I was thrown down from that throne of steadiness and forced to climb back to a more acceptable level. I had to seek for help, but I was still stubborn. I continued to keep the pain in my heart. Not because I was still proud but because I was scared. Never in my life have I confided in anyone with information so personal.  Relief came when the pain was so great that it showed behind the facade of confidence and friends started taking notice. This was reassuring. It was really a sign and an answer to my prayers for help.  Sharing the landslide of hurt didn't make me feel better, but knowing that I had friends who were looking out for me did.  One by one friends started asking about my well-being and I was forced to force open the clam that held my reality.  

In the end, the lesson that was learnt was like that idiom, "No man is an island." I needed support to pull me out of the abyss. I needed people. Sharing still doesn't come easy even though a week has passed.  Things seem to be getting better. I'm waking up to a more optimistic day.  It was amazing waking up one day and feeling different from the previous 4 weeks.  I'm not out of the clear, but it seems that this phase is coming to a close. 

A big shoutout to the people who cared enough to give me a "pick-me-up".  You have no idea what that simple conversation did, then again maybe you did. To you beautiful and wonderful people, I owe you one :)

30 Updates

Eh, it's been awhile. Just some things that have been happening:

1.   Silver medal for Tennis.
2.   Last place in 400m sprint.
3.   The pile of work isn't shrinking.
4.   Finally handed in Thesis Draft 1.
5.   Realized I made a stupid 105 mistake in Thesis Draft 1.
6.   Pleasant conversations.
7.   CUG board is finally being updated.
8.   Dad's Thesis is finally out of the way.
9.   Short sem is a pain.
10. Sleep is for the weak.
11. I'm weak.
12. Mood swings.
13. Easily angered.
14. Struggling to survive.
15. Suicidal thoughts.
16. Commitment craziness.
17. Priorities with the same deadlines.
18. Zero personal time.
19. I need more time.
20. Awkwardness increases with stress.
21. Over-thinking.
22. Adrenaline rush.
23. Public transportation.
24. You should get twitter.
25. 8 Hour lectures on Tuesdays.
26. Another table tennis competition coming up.
27. Sports my one de-stressor.
28. Computer is finally in the room.
29. Hot nights.
30. Cognitive congestion.

Final week of Madness

It's all coming to an end soon..
One more week of enduring this hectic 6-hours sleep cycle. One more week of feeling that the weight I'm pulling is one too heavy. One more week until I can truly focus on what's important - THESIS! One more week of neglecting social relationships for end-focused groups.  One more week of lying to myself that I'm okay. One more week of pushing away emotions and letting the cognitive processes take over. One more week of telling myself that I can let go of the chase and focus somewhere else. One more week of tension and stress.  One more week... One week MOREEEE!!! (Cue Les Mis sound track).

Been really pushing myself so hard on academics the last few weeks that I've come to realize that I've lost touch with other aspects of myself.
I've lost contact with the happenings of my friends
I've become more goal-focused with my university friends
I've locked out people
I've blocked out all non-helpful emotions that won't help me get my work done
I've become more angry
I've given up on things that actually matter.

It has become an ongoing influx of do this and do that and I'm lost in the middle. Whenever something is done, something else arrives to take it's place. It's like an army of soldiers hellbent on keeping me surrounded. I feel lost in the middle of the chaos and I find it harder and harder to remind myself the core purpose of all this suffering.

Progress. It has always been about moving forward. One stage to the next. But I've always been a person who plans in advance. When I was younger I would plan for the next year, now as I age, I plan for the next few years. I have a plan that will keep me moving forward, but the sad thing is that for the first time in my life, my plan to move forward is holding me back.

With this final week of madness coming to an end, I hope to put aside time to move forward.

Effort is the greatest gift.

A timely message for this somewhat important occasion. As I turn another decade, I can't help but to feel a little nostalgic. It is almost cliche to say that I've changed alot throughout this decade but that can be said for every other year past and present from now. But what I am sure about is that the way I feel accepted will not changed.

I believe that the greatest gift one can really offer to another person is the gift of effort. Nowadays with the maggi mee generation running mad all over the place, it comes to no surprise that we're lacking a human touch. Many of the people I know are sociable people and they manage to receive the social effort they need to feel belonged, but the difference between them and me is my inability to socialize properly. Many of those who are not so sociable are blessed with at least one sociable friend to keep them going. For me, it's another story. I'm not that guy in which one would randomly call out for a drink, meal, movie, or whatever.  At least I'm not first in the list. I'm more than often that kid they remember after calling the popular ones.

It's how I've felt almost throughout my life. I've always felt like a second-class friend. That guy who people invite just because they are already inviting the group -that "might-as-well" guy.  That's why I'm sometimes overenthusiastic when I'm inviting to things and terribly disappointed when I fail to make it to the invite list.

I guess that's how I developed my love language in the first place. I'm an E for effort guy. I feel in today's society what we are lacking is just that - Effort. We are so caught up with the times that we often do not have the time to put in more effort into things anymore. That's why we have shops dedicated to "birthday gifts" and "birthday cards", it's like a touch&go store. We move at such paces that we often forget to check and think whether the receiver would like your gift. In the end you find yourself at your girlfriend's house with a power ranger action figure because you couldn't find the time to check your gift.

I'm touched when people take the time off their super busy schedule and make the time to have a chit chat.  I yearn for the little one-on-one talks. I yearn to share my soul to people, but sometimes I feel that I'm shut off by the more common topics like "New movies and songs" instead of more important things like "How do you find yourself today?"

I'm reminded of Tuesdays with Morrie - a book by Mitch Albom - in which Morrie, never takes his eyes away from the person in front of him.  He gives his full attention, and that is where I want to be. I want to be that friend who makes you feel so welcomed and secure that we can spend hours on end just talking about the world. I want to be that friend to sweat out effort just to have quality time.

As midnight strikes and I hit a decade older, I just have one thing to say to those who read this blog. Take effort and time away from the busyness of social media and assignments and work and pay attention to those things that really matter, because tomorrow is another unpredictable 24hour-cycle and there are a gazillion things that could jeopardize your happiness.

The Heat is On

Just some things that are really going to send me to crazy town.

The biggest and meanest of them all: THESIS. One year of my life dedicated to make the most beautiful ever research paper of all time. Of course that's the dream, and when you have Ms. Winnee - MS. WINNEE - telling you she expects never-before-seen grades from her thesis students this semester, my mind immediately switched to the procedure of changing supervisors. I quickly destroyed that dendrite carrying that signal and focused on the present. There's a reason I chose Ms. Winnee - I needed to buck up with my work, been always having okay, little better-than-average grades. Need a test that would really break or make me.  So challenge accepted. Together with the assignment rush, responsibilities at church and home, along with personal vendettas, I will slot thesis in there wherever possible.

So since we are on about University, let's move on to assignments! Yes, the bane of every university student. The endless nights, spend in front of the computer doing something ELSE instead of FACEBOOK and TWITTER.  I mean who would have known that computers had other uses right? So assignments are piling in and the lack of preparations are beginning to feel a little daunting. It seemed like they were not due until a long time more, but once you write everything down on a calendar, the pressure feels so much more real. I'm just thankful that I didn't attempt the 4 subject semester this time, and decided to take it one step slower.  And I'm also thankful for the fact that there are more presentations instead of written work, at least you can wing some of it.

So the biggest chunk of my life is taken by university-related things, very closely followed by the "church things".  Right now, it's CUG and the Worship Ministry that I'm in at the moment.  Being in charge of CUG has been rather eye-opening. You realize who are the true sporting people and who are the true reliable people. You see how one group carries on strong while another just loses their touch and falls apart after key members disappear. You start changing the list of people you would have jumped off a cliff for.  After all, all that was sought for was support, and they came from an unexpected group of people.  Throwing hints like this bluntly to see whether support changes. Subtle hints to see if people care. Being part of the worship ministry has forced me to hone my drumming skills and have helped me to be more confident, but sometimes I wonder if it has already served its purpose...

When I saw responsibilities at home I also include responsibilities at work, since it is a family business. So my grandmother recently had a fall and she came to live with us for a week to recover, and during the duration of her stay, we had to limit our travelling and eating places to accommodate, wasn't really irked about it, but sometimes I just wished that she had invested more in me to actually feel helping her is more than a chore.  When it comes to work, well, it is work la. I can't say I love it, but it does have its perks.

Now to the me time and personal projects. Well, I haven't been working on anything to date - brushing a few scripts and songs up here and there, researching about how to properly film things, searching lowyat forums for cheap equipment. I sometimes feel like I'm ready to start but I don't know how. I need help and a guide. Looking for excuses to use the camera has helped me to adapt a little, but I need more and I'm glad to have the opportunity to work on Easter though its a small part at least I get to observe.

Another personal project is to get the band more gigs, we've been stagnant since last year's big event, and we have only one exposure. Well, we have one on the 21st of December which so COINCIDENTALLY falls on the same day as the Sports Carnival Table Tennis Competition which I am captain of the Psychology team and also falls on the same day as THREE - not ONE - THREE major assignments. 21st is going to be a challenge :|

So everything is here. The heat is on...

'Til the day I need release again...

Scattered thoughts

1. Nothing seems to be working the way I plan it.

2. You can spend countless effort investing into people, but they disappear when its time to withdraw.

3. Assignments are becoming a pain.

4. Lack of planning seems to be catching up with me.

5. Don't grant favors asking that they be returned; in honesty, they rarely do get returned.

6. Discipline and determination is in the lacking.

7. A green dress.

8. Brain seems to be scattered all around.

9. It's in times of testing like these that you really find out who you can trust.

10. Should really start scheduling the day properly.

11. Harlem Shake.

12.  I'm done chasing wild ones, getting to old for that.

13. Table tennis level is dropping.

14. Treatment phase is failing.

15. Need to lose fat.

16. Vivid dreams.

17. It's time to settle down.

Maturity, Care, and Risks

I'm frustrated with life at this point in time. Frustrated that what I try to do never seems to be the right thing to do. I'm frustrated with the fact that life is one complicated piece of paper written with ink that can never be fully erased.

What if I make a mistake? What if I accidentally write the wrong words? What if the ink leaks? What if I wet that paper by accident? There's no part I can "conteng" on because that's life, you only get one take at it and everything that you do leads to a consequence and leaves a mark on your page.

What makes life more complicated is that life's page is not a foolscap piece but more like a blank piece - you don't have guidelines.  You have no idea where to start. You want to make a masterpiece with this page you've been given but starting is the hardest part.

Leaps of faith are easy to say.  The safer than sorry method seems the more common choice. Now I'm at this part of life in which I have to make a decision. The longer I wait, the more my options lessen.

You can say that I'm a little emotional but you don't know the story, a rare few know the truth. The truth about the three. But let me speak about number one first.

It's easy for me to talk about number one because I feel like the door has already closed.  I waited too long, and I asked for it.  Number one was the wise one.  She was the one that I met when I was still immature and naive. I knew nothing about life while she had a first hand experience. She was the first to tell me of her problems and I fell. She confided in me of the broken heart and I caught the wrong cue. I rushed. You rash little kid.  Young and naive.  And just like that I lost my one shot.  If there's one thing that you've taught me is that I have to be mature.  Every year I would call, but that would be it. We've yet to meet in three years, but I do hope we can at least catch up :)

Now to move on to number two. What can I say about you? Except you were all that I was hoping to find. The first person to strike me the week I started uni.  Imagine my depression when I found out you were taken.  But I was fine.  Somehow I knew that there would be nothing between us and I'm glad I didn't try anything because now I've found a good friend in you.  While there will always be that "what-if" thoughts in my head, I know that it's better to be friends.  I'll always care about you even if you don't care about yourself.  We know that girls and guys can be good friends right? What lesson have I learnt from you? Well, let's see, you have taught me to be caring.  And as we soon move on after Uni, I just hope that friendships wouldn't die.

Finally to number three. I would say that you were the person I was most open with. You were the person that most of my friends knew about.  The Valentine.  From a simple thing like a camp to a friendship that developed first through little FB comments to sms everyday.  If you've taught me anything, it's to be daring. You've taught me to take risks to go out there and put myself on the line because life is short and not worth waiting.  You've made me from a man of planning to be a man of action. And though now it sometimes feels a little weird, I still cherish our friendship. Now it seems harder and harder to catch you, and the distance seems to be growing, but if there's something I'm sure of, no matter what happens, you've given me a great lesson in life - one amazing adventure.

So why is this post entitled frustrations? Because of the fact that I'm confused. I'm confused because everything seems to be leading to a dead end, and it seems like I might have to start all over.  I'm not getting any younger and the longer I wait the more "inexperienced" I become.  What happens when all are taken and I'm left alone? It seems a little sad to think that, but I guess the sadder but wiser hypothesis holds true here.

Only time will tell I guess.
It's getting harder and harder to talk to you because I keep on feeling like you don't like talking to me. It may be my overthinking acting up, I know, but I just can't help thinking that I've been forgotten.  

Catharsis

I'm not looking for an argument here. I know you are angry because you think I'm doing nothing about the club and maybe you are right - The club is not at my utmost priority. But when we formed the committee you didn't have any objections about me being president. Maybe you didn't know how I did things, maybe you didn't know how I lead, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that part. So after months having the club as an official body, I keep on hearing things that you say behind my back. You keep on complaining about what I've not done and what I could do.  But have you stopped to consider what I've actually done? Let's take things down shall we?

1. I actually formed the club. I ran around looking for names. I traveled one from end of HELP to another just to make the club official. I had to look for people to sign names. 
2. I have attended most of the compulsory meetings, and the times that I asked anyone to go, I had to ask and plead my brains off. 
3. I got our official meetings times set in stone.  I had to write the proposal and get things signed.  

Time and time again for countless hours. I hear your complaints about how I don't run things properly. Time and time again, I hear from others how much you really talk behind my back.  We are supposed to be friends, now it feels more like I was a convenient training dummy that could be called upon only when needed.

I'm not going to question your credentials. I'm not going to brag about mine.
I don't need another mess on my plate. It's full enough already.

An Eventful Day

I am glad that everything went rather smoothly today despite having a busy day.

Finally had a hardcore training session after almost a year picking bad habits. Now I can see my flaws more. Time to focus more on that 2nd ball counter-hit. My game is definitely not where I want it and so gonna push harder.

After training and dinner with the family, I headed to church for the opening of CUG. It went very well for it's lack of planning. I'm tremendously grateful for sporting people. I realized that there were a bunch of people who were missing from CUG mainly my age.

Now I'm on my bed feeling the aches from the training and the brain-numbness from the planning. A rather eventful day indeed and I hope to have more of these in the near future :)

The Resistance

It's always the beginning of the year that takes you by the neck and squeezes whatever willpower you have.  Now I feel like my feet are off the floor, and I'm holding my breath to keep me from suffocating.  I'm trying to hold on, and I'm trying to stand strong, but just like it is darkest before the dawn, it is toughest before the end.

When I began my Foundation year in HELP back in 2010, I had it all planned out.  My plan was to finish foundation, jump straight into degree, finish the three years, and then get out to work.  Work a few years, jump into Masters or PHD and then go back to work.  But like most things that are planned, resistance came.  The first of these resistances came in my first semester of Foundation.  Failing Calculus was a gigantic blow to my 4 year plan and I had to pull myself up from the lost by compensating with my other semesters. That meant taking extra subjects in my following two semesters to catch up with my intake, and I succeeded.  I managed to pull through and in the end, I graduated on time. By the third semester, I was done with Foundation and I moved into degree the following year.

Everything was smooth sailing until I hit second year and the 12 subject dilemma presented itself.  The struggle between grades and graduating on time took a load on me as I decided to give it a go and did five subjects in the first semester. In the end my grades took a hit.  Conflicts arose, and I hit my lows of lows.  I fell into a semi-depressed state in which I thought that no one cared.  Thankfully, I managed to pull myself out of it and move on.  I destroyed the second resistance and now two more stand in my way - year 3 and thesis.

Now I'm facing two resistances to my graduation plan simultaneously. The dilemma could not have presented itself in a more catastrophic way as it threw me off-guard and left me with no defence.  Now I'm stuck.  I'm stuck because for the first time since the 4-year-graduation plan was set in motion, I do not want to finish it.  Its odd that after all that fighting and rushing, I feel that I have got no spirit left in me to try.

The change in focus can be attributed to the fact that slowly and slowly social interaction has become more and more valuable to me.  For once, I was part of a big social group that included me no matter who I was. An accepting bunch of people that after two to three years, I've grown to literally feel for.

Oh the joys of dilemmas. Should get used to the stress they bring already. Since I'm only gonna experience more and more of them as life progresses.

Lord, grant me the wisdom, to see the gaps that need filling. Give me the courage to take a step of faith, and provide me above all, a will that listen to Your's