It's always the beginning of the year that takes you by the neck and squeezes whatever willpower you have. Now I feel like my feet are off the floor, and I'm holding my breath to keep me from suffocating. I'm trying to hold on, and I'm trying to stand strong, but just like it is darkest before the dawn, it is toughest before the end.
When I began my Foundation year in HELP back in 2010, I had it all planned out. My plan was to finish foundation, jump straight into degree, finish the three years, and then get out to work. Work a few years, jump into Masters or PHD and then go back to work. But like most things that are planned, resistance came. The first of these resistances came in my first semester of Foundation. Failing Calculus was a gigantic blow to my 4 year plan and I had to pull myself up from the lost by compensating with my other semesters. That meant taking extra subjects in my following two semesters to catch up with my intake, and I succeeded. I managed to pull through and in the end, I graduated on time. By the third semester, I was done with Foundation and I moved into degree the following year.
Everything was smooth sailing until I hit second year and the 12 subject dilemma presented itself. The struggle between grades and graduating on time took a load on me as I decided to give it a go and did five subjects in the first semester. In the end my grades took a hit. Conflicts arose, and I hit my lows of lows. I fell into a semi-depressed state in which I thought that no one cared. Thankfully, I managed to pull myself out of it and move on. I destroyed the second resistance and now two more stand in my way - year 3 and thesis.
Now I'm facing two resistances to my graduation plan simultaneously. The dilemma could not have presented itself in a more catastrophic way as it threw me off-guard and left me with no defence. Now I'm stuck. I'm stuck because for the first time since the 4-year-graduation plan was set in motion, I do not want to finish it. Its odd that after all that fighting and rushing, I feel that I have got no spirit left in me to try.
The change in focus can be attributed to the fact that slowly and slowly social interaction has become more and more valuable to me. For once, I was part of a big social group that included me no matter who I was. An accepting bunch of people that after two to three years, I've grown to literally feel for.
Oh the joys of dilemmas. Should get used to the stress they bring already. Since I'm only gonna experience more and more of them as life progresses.
Lord, grant me the wisdom, to see the gaps that need filling. Give me the courage to take a step of faith, and provide me above all, a will that listen to Your's
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