Reflection

You know how one day everything could be working out fine - you have someone to talk to on Whatsapp, you feel excited for the day, and you excel in everything you put your head to - and then comes one day in which nothing seems to be working - the last message you received was from 4 days ago, waking up becomes a chore, and you make stupid mistakes in things you could literally do with your eyes closed. I kinda hit the latter recently.  All things came crashing down.  It was not the workload or the academic stress. It was not the multitudes of planned commitments or social gatherings.  It was just a small little disappointment that really killed the mood. And now here I am, stuck in this semi-depressed state, thinking about how on earth could one little thing like that cause such a big change in my affect - the butterfly effect.

I guess it was a buildup that came when the image that I have been building all my life slapped me in my face. A realization that I was not the person that I imagined myself to be. I thought I was okay (Let me explain what I mean by okay. I thought I had invested in social relationships to withdraw something, I thought I had done enough to be remembered when gatherings were called into place, I thought being the forgotten one was the thing of the past, but the truth was that everything was in my head. I wasn't the socialite that had everyone's attention I was the silent observer with nothing to say but reruns. I wasn't the confidant in which had the trust of others; I was the guy who happened to be in the right circle of conversations.). So I thought everything was okay, until the whirlwind of reality hit. 

The problem with this is that I cannot pinpoint where it started. It came quietly and before I knew it, I was trapped and could not escape. Being a psychology candidate, it was ironic that I couldn't get myself out of the state.  There was not enough self-counselling, there was not enough self-reflection to get myself out of the state. With this came the realization that I was not an island. How could I ask people to confide in me when there's nothing shared on my side? I've never been the classic Chinaman who kept all problems to myself. Why? I've always thought that people wouldn't be interested in my story. I've always thought that my problems were not that big a deal when compared to others. I've always thought that sharing made me look weak. Classic Chinaman.  Having an introverted and anxious personality didn't help either. I didn't want to show the world I was hurt. I wanted to be the anchor that was strong enough. And because of pride, I was forced to be humbled. 

Guess in itself this was a wake up call. I was thrown down from that throne of steadiness and forced to climb back to a more acceptable level. I had to seek for help, but I was still stubborn. I continued to keep the pain in my heart. Not because I was still proud but because I was scared. Never in my life have I confided in anyone with information so personal.  Relief came when the pain was so great that it showed behind the facade of confidence and friends started taking notice. This was reassuring. It was really a sign and an answer to my prayers for help.  Sharing the landslide of hurt didn't make me feel better, but knowing that I had friends who were looking out for me did.  One by one friends started asking about my well-being and I was forced to force open the clam that held my reality.  

In the end, the lesson that was learnt was like that idiom, "No man is an island." I needed support to pull me out of the abyss. I needed people. Sharing still doesn't come easy even though a week has passed.  Things seem to be getting better. I'm waking up to a more optimistic day.  It was amazing waking up one day and feeling different from the previous 4 weeks.  I'm not out of the clear, but it seems that this phase is coming to a close. 

A big shoutout to the people who cared enough to give me a "pick-me-up".  You have no idea what that simple conversation did, then again maybe you did. To you beautiful and wonderful people, I owe you one :)