And just as I thought I was in the clear

...the thing called life catches up with a vengeance.

When I exited my final paper last Friday, I felt relieved - I felt alive once again. One big burden lifted from my chest, but it was only temporary. You see, while one burden was over, it was replaced by another pressing burden in this never ending cue of burdens waiting to receive your attention. In between there, I realized that I've lost myself. I became a creature of doing and not of thinking. Going through the status quo - following routine. Why? Because I've known no other life.

As far back, I've been taught that if I'm not studying, I'm working, and if I'm not working, I'm studying. I've been educated to the rat race of society in which living is only worth it if you are earning. And it is essentially no one's fault. It's no one's fault to believe that money = progress. It's no one's fault to think that there's no other life worth living than an earning one. But this is where I begin to lose my grip on reality.

Being caught up in this rat race, I've lost track of what I love. They say that the happiest people in the world are the one's who do what they love for a living, but due to various reasons including age, race, and opportunities, the things I really love doing are not enough to make a living here. So my dreams are fulfilled by the opportuned and the spoilt, while I live their worst imaginable nightmares (at least work towards living that nightmare).

This is predominantly an Asian thing (By 'this', I mean the whole work for pay and pay for work cycle) and I'm often envious of other cultures being allowed to go out and 'explore' the world - to discover who they are, what they love, where they belong. I'm envious at the fact that I probably would never be allowed that freedom - that freedom to feel no weight on my shoulders to be truly free from all responsibilities, to feel absolute bliss. I'm envious that the more I look into the future, the more bleak it seems - I see an unhappy and stressed out Reuben sitting behind a desk typing random things into a computer with an endless pile of paperwork next to him. I see a tired Reuben struggling to force a smile when he reaches home to his family. I see a worn-out Reuben who is complaining about the system but eventually accepts it as unchanging. I see a defeated Reuben whose mind is full of "what-ifs" and regrets.

I don't wanna be that sad little cooked up kid. I feel that I've been prepared for more than just being boxed up. I believe that I've been prepared for a borderless reality with unlimited opportunities, but things are just weighing me down. With expectations of a better life comes with it the anxiety of failure, and sometimes just thinking of the failure is enough.

What I need right now is a reflective getaway. I want to get out into a mountain and look down on the entire Klang Valley and say "everything is so minute". I want to be able to see that my problems aren't that big a deal and that I can overcome them. I want to be able to climb a mountain look down and see everything in a different perspective. I want to seek God and beg him to reveal the plans he has for me. But all these wants can never truly be met because of one thing: Time. I won't be able to find the time for solitude (not this year anyways). I won't be able to find time to let alone breathe. So I have to work with what I've got. I have to cherish the little amount of me time I have and pray that it is enough for personal growth. I have to constantly take away all distractions to allow myself time to think.

I'm not in the clear with regards of my future, and I'm pretty sure that I'll never be truly clear, but I'm just hoping, praying, that some light will be shed on this future that seems to be all bleak and lonely.