With you, it's nothing but awkwardness

I hope you'll never read this, or when you do, you're already mine *dreams*

It's been a year since we met.  I was the first person who spotted you when you walked into that orientation room.  How could I have known that you were already taken? Of course, with you being so pretty and all, I should have known.  Eh, I was stupid.  It's funny that Hevind called dibs first and we were like fighting for who gets to talk to you first, but being the good guy he is, he passed his "dibs" to me.  But it took almost an entire semester before we really started talking.

At first, I waited for you to appear on Facebook.  When I saw your "In a relationship" status on Facebook, I rationalized and said that maybe you didn't want guys to chase after you, but when I found your second account, in which it said "in a relationship with ____, I didn't know how to react.

I tried my best to be your friend, maybe trying too hard. I actually wonder whether you noticed it at some point, but maybe all guys speak to you like that :/

I remember always checking the online friends on facebook for your name to pop up.  I'd wait for five minutes, before talking to you (just in case, I became too obvious) - Talking to you was the most productive thing I did in Malaysian studies :) We had our 1st lunch ever in Chillax. I remember that I found out a lot about you there.  I'd always go to the library to pester you because I would know where you'd be hiding.  I remember walking you to the library and helping you carry your things because you were not used to your heels.  I remember asking you to eat many times and actually inviting myself to lunch with you at UOA (The first time we ate together alone).  I remember a lot of things...

After these months, I can conclude that it'll be pretty awkward always around you. Mainly because I don't want you to hate me. I'm planning everything I say to you.  

I'm not going to ruin the happiness you've found with your partner. I'm not even going to try.  I don't want to be the reason to end your happiness.  I won't do anything, but be your friend.  

If ever (a super duper big humongous gigantic IF, but I hope it'll never happen because it means your broken heart) you find yourself alone, I will try then.  But as a friend first. 

Here's to another year together. I wish nothing but the best for you :) 

Tension in the air

The whole family is stressed now...because one person is stressed.

Until this tension is over, we practically do our best not to interfere with anybody.
We seem to be living separate lives now.

Doesn't seem right...I don't like this kind of freedom :/

I really hope this tension will stop soon

--------------------

On a brighter note, the weeks have been blowing past rather amusingly fast.

I'm starting to fit in, I'm starting to feel belonged, but it's not easy...it never was.

Meeting people from all walks of life and having to cope with various situations has actually left me emotionally drained.  I realized that I can't cry anymore...we'll according to some people, that's a good thing.  I don't find joy in many things anymore. LAME jokes are not as lame as they used to be and humor seems to be lacking.  I have no idea why I feel this monotonous issue.  It's like I don't like to exist anymore.  I'm fed up with monotonousity (if that is a word). I'm bored of everything.  The schedules, the routines.  I'm tired of planning. 

I wonder why? I have never been a happening person to begin with, so why the tension? Even though I'm having tons of me-time, I still have not have any personal time.  I tell myself I'll do something productive today (The biggest lie I've told).  My mind just doesn't want to work.  It doesn't want to move. Am I tired? Frustrated? If so, from what? 

From? 

The girl that I have just given up trying to get?

The family that is going through some tension?

The university and all the schedules and expectations?

The church and all the responsibilities?

Myself for all laziness and time wasting?

The friends that I wear masks in front of?

The smile that I force upon my face?

The lack of sleep?

My kayu and robotic-ness?

...

Gah, too many factors to rule out one at a time

Time to sleep before I spill too much

Urgent

This writer is looking for a bunch of friends and a trip away from the schedule of life before he explodes because of monotonousness...

Getting less sleep even though I have less stress.  It's not the stress anymore, it's the lack of interaction.  I want to just hang out without an agenda.  Just a bunch of trustable people and nothing more.

I don't want to plan everyday, I want to spend everyday thinking: "Hmmm, what can I do today?"

The Awkward moment when...

This phrase is like the new and "hip" thing to say nowadays.  I don't like people who simply use the phrase.  I mean, sometimes things are not awkward at all.  Do these people even know what "awkward" actually means?
The word has been overused recently that saying it has made it kinda annoying.

Sometimes it has gone overboard like.

The awkward moment when...

...I dropped a chopstick.

...I saw my reflection.

...I broke a pencil lead??

I mean, catching your friend staring at you is not an awkward moment.

Now to another extreme: I know a few people who are really ANNOYED at the phrase. I mean, why get so worked up over words? It's only words and words are all I have to take...wait...off topic much?

Yes, it's just words! Don't get white hair over this mess.

I really feel that though, yes, it can get kinda bad sometimes, "The awkward moment..." is just a phrase.

This phrase is really useful for certain situations like:

"The awkward moment when the girl you likes asked you whether you had a boyfriend"

Now THAT was awkward :)

Who am I to you?

"Opinionated people never get heard; impulsive people never get the job done" 

The counselling sessions I've been having going for has really helped me to understand myself better.  I would love to share what I've learnt about myself, but that will only bore people to death.  

Things that I've discovered about myself:

1. I long for acceptance.

I compromise myself so that others would want to be with me.  I have a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection is also the reason for my need for knowledge.  The knowledge that I have gathered over the years was only for the sake of others.  I thought that knowing things would make people more interested in you...guess that hypothesis is flawed.  I'll walk a thousand miles just to keep my family and friends safe.  

This insecurity came from a mash-up of a few unrelated factors.  The first factor is my personality which is dominantly melancholic.  The second factor is the schooling environment I was brought up in which didn't give me many opportunities to socialize and the last factor is the fact that my family was in the process of searching for a new church.  Other people who go through the same schooling environment as me, have their religious institutions to help them mature, but I didn't have a stable group of friends at the time so this is why I prize acceptance above all.  I'm grateful for the friends that I have made since settling down in PJEFC and entering HELP.  They have tremendously helped me to feel more accepted.

2. I'm confused.

Mainly confused with my role in the family.  This has to do with the "Christian-Chinese" parenting I come from and also to do with me being a middle child.  The confusion happens when I have to balance being the "man of the house" and having an older sister.  

Another reason for confusion arises from my "Swan/Owl" personality.  The swan symbolizes creativity, impulsiveness, and emotion, while the owl symbolizes order, melancholy, and stability.  See the confusion there? According to a personality test, these two "birds" are on the same level in me.  So while the owl side fights for planning, my swan side yells impulse.  Rather confusing having these two personalities as my dominant ones.

That's all.  More and I'll probably start revealing too much :)

Young and Naive

These two words normally come hand in hand with each other.  Does that mean all youths are naive? Does that mean naivety can be only found in the young? Sure the youth tend to be naive at some point in time.  Sure, once  upon a time, we never questioned.  I mean I can't remember asking questions like "Who said that and is he or she credible?" Well, I didn't even know what credibility meant when I was young.  Everything was black and white.  It was either a truth or a lie.  I failed to ask, "why?" And it is only when you start questioning everything that you start developing a critical mind.

I vaguely remember being scolded for being curious.  When my parents asked me to get into the car, I would ask, "Where are we going?" When my parents told me that I could not do something, I would ask, "How come?" I was told to obey and maybe this is how naivety was developed? I do not know.

I find many people my age to be naive as well.  We seem to be mp3 players playing the same song over again. We rarely develop our own ideas and points, and we "borrow" ideas from people which we think are of authority.  Many of us claim that we are not naive but the funny thing is that claiming that you are not naive is being naive already.

So how are we to prove that we are matured? Mere words will not do.  People will always have a negative mindset catered towards the youth.  People will always think that the youths are naive. People will always think that we believe every word they say.  So how does that stop? Our actions must show that we are not naive.  We have to (I know it sounds cliche) think critically and maybe teach the world that stereotyping is not helpful at all.  We have to show the world that we can think for ourselves and know when to back down. We have to be matured and maybe others would bother listening to us.

Is it naive of me to think that naivety can be so easily broken?

Question everything; question everyone