And the days pass like minutes

Autopilot mode has been activated. Everything is moving so fast and I have no time to breathe. No time to think. If I keep this up, It'll be December in a blink of an eye. No time to cherish life. No time to cherish friendships.

Is there more to life than this?
Am I cursed to live in this sort of life? To always be chasing but never to find?
To see perfection at the tip of my fingers,
But to trip on the way and linger?
How would I know when I've reached my destiny
When all I can see are depressing irony?

Is this my lot in this plot?

Where does taking it like a man give in to justified anger?

You know how it's the little things that make the day that much better?
Well, I'm beginning to realize that it is also the little things that can make the day suck, like really badly.

Take today for example.  It's enough that I'm having nonstop deadlines to live with, a Christmas play to help in, a recording to edit, a band to manage, and work to cope with, but it just so happens that this tipping point had to be tested even more today.  It just so happens that whenever I feel that I'm just past the point of throwing a break someone's your face, something just has to happen to make me clench my fist, and hold myself from swinging.

Thank you all you people who ruined a wonderful week.  My highlight of the week should have been yesterday night when I managed to catch up with a dear friend, but now it seems that my highlight is going to be all about angst and depressing stories.

I've been brought up to be inclusive. I've been brought up knowing that there are billions of people in the world and none of them are the same as me. I've been brought up knowing that out of the billions of people there will be plenty that just won't click properly - that I won't be able to get along with.  Well, I thought I'd test it.  I thought that it'll be easy to be inclusive.  Well thanks for breaking that little idealism I had.  People admire a critical mind - believe me, they do.  BUT people admire a critical mind who knows how to communicate EFFECTIVELY with people.  Instead of a Mr. Know-it-All, or a stubborn *insert appropriate synonym for beast of burden*.  Shooting people down, blaming for no reason and insulting people right to their face is NOT a way to survive in a social world.  Sometimes I feel like your mouth moves faster than your brain, and before you know it your stubborn side takes over and you go defensive even though you know you are wrong.  There's a reason why I didn't want to be in this situation - I predicted this stressful scenario long before it happened.

Now to another person.  Well, you see, I recall you said that you don't give a *insert vulgarity* about the club I started, and now you're demanding things from me? Sure, it was a reaction to another person's remark, but that doesn't justify the fact that you outright insulted what I've worked VERY hard to make.  If you went on an insulted the other person, it would have settled easily, but you had to insult the group instead of the individual. Now I'm probably wasting words on you.

I realized that I'm wasting words here. It probable won't reach the eyes of those who need to read it, but that's what you call a catharsis I guess.

I needed some release. Before I actually blow up.  I've never blown out of proportion before (Well, maybe once...) so I hope you don't be the reason why you change the mild-mannered me into a raging unstoppable beast.  Seriously, I don't want to be the angry person no matter how justified the rage can be.  I always try to picture myself as the carefree and friendly person, don't change that image that I've been working so hard to maintain.  Don't.  Just typing this, I can literally feel my blood boiling. I literally feel heat rising out of my skin.

you.have.been.warned.

I want to know You as I'm known

'To know You, is to want to know You more...' - Casting Crowns

Ever since I can remember, I've been a curious lad.  I asked questions even though I didn't like the answers.  I read encyclopedias if the answers proved insignificant.  I would break things open just to see how they tick.  Yes, I was a curious kid.  But somehow that curiosity has died.  I don't feel the need to know anymore.  I don't have that passion to read things even though it has nothing to do with what I'm studying.  There was a time when every question had to be answered; where every stone had to be turned, but now it seems like I'm hiding in ignorance and bliss.

There was a time when I would take up the Bible and read it for hours.  There was a time when knowing God was the biggest priority in my life.  I would spend time away praying.  I would fall on my knees without caring.  Where has this desire to know God gone to? As my passion wanes, I find the things I used to do to know God becoming a chore...

Create in me a desire to know You as I'm known

Create in me a wanting to kneel before Your throne,

And hear You say, Well done, my good and faithful one,

You have lived right and brought glory to my Son.

I will search for You through the highest heights,

Through the deepest depths, through sorrows and plights

As long as I find You, I'll be alright

To find You, Lord, will be my delight...

I want to know You're here

I want to know You now

My hands are raised

My heart is bowed

Don't pass me by

I feel to dry

I need Your touch

Don't pass me by

Back to Square One

Life is full of ups and downs, no?

Well this year has been a constant struggle between ups and downs for me. It was a good year and a bad year altogether.  Emotionally, I went through a spiral of funky town as I struggled with who I was and who can I call friends.  I struggled with responsibilities and the things I really wanted.  But the thing I felt constantly good about was my social life.  I was happy because I met a friend who managed to make me laugh and who managed to make me happy.  So since I met her, life seemed to be on a steep incline heading towards a peak, and I think it just hit the peak.  Now comes the hard part. Here comes the part where things don't seem to work out anymore, where we lose touch with one another and I feel lost all over again.  Sure this might be a knee-jerk response and all but I can't help feeling that I'm being left behind.

I'm an overthinker; I'm a pessimist. But the thing about having this type of personality is that I often prove myself right.  I don't want that.  Cause right now, I'm thinking that everyone else is out there busy with a great life, while I lag behind.  Cause right now, I'm thinking that I'm that socially awkward kid with no future except in his mind.  Cause right now, I feel like I'm going back to square one and being forced to start all over again.

I remember being so ecstatically happy in February that I went into some weird bipolarity in March.  I remember chats being so funny that when I typed, LOL, I was really laughing so loud that my parents asked me whether I was alright. I remember smiling at almost every text, and getting strange stares from my friends. But... I also remember the things I said wrong, the times I ruined something that was good, and the moments when things felt like they would die.

Somehow I guess, I saw this coming.  Reality had to hit home.  Truth was unavoidable.  And in this case, I have to learn to let go.  Because no matter how much I know and how much I'll try, I know that trying too much is not worth it.  I have to learn to let time take it's course.  We were never meant to be at this time. Maybe in the future, but just not this time.

Now the question is do I wait for it to be the right time, or do I keep my options open? Being the 'careful' person that I am, I'll probably look for a clear sign, but being the 'stubborn' person that I am, I'll be biased in looking for that sign.

Well, I know you'll probably read this blogpost, and you're gonne smile and laugh.  You're probably gonna tease me about it one day...

p.s. I know I'll win. Don't deny it, because I've already won ;)