Midyear Mumblings

"And as paralyzing and upsetting as all the never agains were, the final leaving felt perfect. Pure. The most distilled form of liberation.... It is so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest...thing in the world." - Quentin Jacobsen in Paper Towns by John Green

 It's the middle of the year. I would say time has flown except that would mean I saw it fly. I clearly didn't. Who knew (besides the entire human race) that about than six months ago we saw fireworks marking the beginning of 2014. Slightly more than six months ago, it was 2013.

Time is relative to the beholder. I've come to a personal love-hate relationship with relative time. Though we've learnt to measure time down to the last microsecond, we still don't really understand how time is perceived. We've put time in a box, but somehow time still slows down when you are bored and speeds up when you are late for an important meeting (with some friends at a mamak store. Okay, maybe not so important). Time also seems to jump. One second, you are living in January and the next: HELLO JUNE! But enough about time.

It is hard to believe that I've been at my job for six months now. It truly has been an amazing experience as a psychology tutor. Being a tutor allowed me a smooth transition from a student to an employee. It gave me certain familiarity along with something new. The transition is so discreet that even up to today I have people ask me what I'm doing and I say working in HELP and they would say, 'oh, still in psychology?' and I would have to correct them. The switch from marking papers instead of writing them have taught me a valuable lesson about why a standard format is a blessing in disguise. Knowing what goes on behind the offices have given me a fresh appreciation of the entire education process.

Six months in and six months to go. At least that is what my contract states. Recently, I was given an opportunity to continue on and I was faced with a whole new dilemma that I wasn't expecting until maybe the end of this year. I had it all planned out. A personal retreat somewhere near the end of next month to reevaluate everything, but no. An answer was needed. So everything had to move up a month. No more personal retreat in some quiet highland with a notebook on the table and a pen in my left hand jotting down my goals for 2015. No more listening to the quietness of nature. No more smelling fresh air to relax my senses in the hopes of receiving a vision of my future. An answer was needed.

So a life plan map was drawn along with a pros and cons list. And all my fears came down to one thing: I was afraid.

Afraid of leaving the safety of a life (and company) that I have known for half a decade. Afraid because my future outside these four walls are not guaranteed. Afraid because I know I eventually have to leave. Afraid that staying would mean missed opportunities. Afraid that leaving would mean missed opportunities. Afraid that I'm making a mistake. Afraid that I'm rushing a decision. Afraid that the The Three-Year Plan would be compromised. Afraid. Just basically afraid.

After an enormous hair-pulling, life-evaluating, brain-stimulating, time-consuming session of reflection. I reached a conclusion: That life has been pretty good to me. I've had opportunities thrown towards me. There has always been support from family and friends and there will always be. I realize that though I may have to say goodbye to something that I've cherished for far too long, I have to face the reality. The reality is: I can't stay here forever. I have to move on. And reading Paper Towns over the weekend, consulting my father and friends about the issue. Basically being able to just rant and talk about it has brought out the obvious decision that I have to make.

This post actually sounds like one of those posts you write when you're leaving the next day in some reminiscent fashion and I think that I shall now change the tone of this post from a "I'm leaving" post to a "I made a decision" post.

I learnt through this weekend that I had people I can call upon for life advice. I learnt through this weekend that taking a step away from the fast paced life doesn't necessary mean going on a vacation (my living room sufficed). I learnt through this weekend that there are some variables that you just cannot manipulate. I also learnt that queuing up for a burger is much more fun with company (but that's another story).

So I don't know how the rest of the year is going to play out, but I intend to make the best use of my time in this job that I have learnt to appreciate. And who knows what 2015 is going to hold?