Gone are the Youthful Years

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

- 1 Corinthians 13:11

I remember quite fondly the first time I stepped into my degree life not so long ago. I clearly remember hunting down familiar faces and sticking with them. I also clearly remembering that the person that I thought didn't want to have any conversation with me became my best bro. The youthful years have passed.

This year marks the end of many things. And as it so often is with may endings, they make new space for new beginnings.

Gone are the years of Degree Life. They have sped by like a sparrow fleeing a hawk. It felt like just yesterday that we were all strangers in that little crowded room eyeing the faces of our future friends. Now here we are three years after. We've definitely changed. People moved on, people stayed, and I'm glad for every one of them. I'm glad for the new friends especially - for the gang of psychos that I know will go far in life. These psychos are the ones who have taught me the most in life. They have taught me that age is no restraint. They have taught me what it means to look out for one another. They have taught me the importance of balancing studies and leisure. They have taught me to have an end goal in mind. They have taught me that it is better to focus on building relationships that matter. They have taught me how to correct without hurting. They have taught me how to have a good time. I owe them all greatly. I would name them but it would only spoil the mystery. You psychos know who you are.

Gone are the years of sidelines. This year as a leader of a youth group has taught me the importance of many things. The importance trust and the importance of planning. The importance of correcting without discouraging. The importance of peace and the importance of supporting. The importance of teamwork and the importance of grace. The importance of bridges and the importance of bonds. The importance of strong leaders and the importance of following.

Gone are the years of idealism. This world is greyscaled, and it is time I realize that.

Gone are the years of ignorance. This nation won't change unless it starts with me.

Gone are the years of waywardness. It is time to know what I want and set a goal to reach it.

Gone are the years of wandering. No more time to waste as the youthful years have passed.

Pretty sure that there are many facets of the youthful years that need some doing away with, but the rest remains personal. All in all 2013 was an eventful year in which true colors were revealed and realizations were met. Though some things that were realized aren't really the nicest colors in the world, I shall accept them all as lessons nonetheless. To the people who have stuck by me throughout this year, thank you for being part of this journey of growing up. To the people who joined in my journey this year, welcome aboard and let's learn together. To the people who have gone away, may we meet again on better terms.

So Youthful Years, I bid thee farewell as next year shall herald in the beginning of working life *shudders*

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed.

"...And I will swallow my pride...and I'm saying goodbye..."

- A Great Big World

It has been awhile. It has been awhile since I've felt like I was in control of myself. Sometimes, you get caught up in the comings and goings that you forget that you are suppose to be an agent - a catalyst - instead you realized that all you've been doing was following the predetermined motions set in place by society. You find you need to remind yourself to smile when you're talking to people (hide away your cluttered brain full of doubts and criticism) and just attempt to survive with a decent conversations. You find you need to remind yourself to be excited about certain activities (even though it seems that you aren't even important in those activities) that this event is not about you. You find you need to constantly keep track of what you're doing as you're constantly shifting between consciousness and unconsciousness. You find yourself waking up (as if from a dream) in the middle of a road, in the end of a lecture, and even in the midst of friends. You find yourself drifting off. You're losing that connection. You're losing that essence of humanity known as empathy. Your critical brain is screaming hypocrite but you know better than to say it out loud. Instead, you hide with an awkward laugh, and a polite smile.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed? Oh mind, how often have ye been deceived? 

As often as I would like to think that I'm analytic and conscious with my decisions, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that I'm smart, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that every decision I make has been thought through with much deliberation and the consequent action that was made is the best and most logical option, I know it often is not. Time and time again I'm deceived by the eyes. The eyes see and the eyes want. It is only natural to want things, but it often is not ever wise.

You were the first to deceive my eyes and ever since then, you've continued to do so. Though my mind knows the truth that cognition will never allow such a pairing, the eyes continue to hope. Like a yo-yo, the thought of giving up has come and gone for more often then they should. I keep turning on myself.

It has reached the point that it has to come to an end. No more compromises. The decision for that possible future has been closed for the undetermined future. It has gone on too far. Bouncing probabilities and playing myself to near drainage. It's time to let go and open up other doors. Can't keep hoping on a bad bet. Can't keep holding on to narrow chances.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed, but I have not lost my trust in thee.

Never realized how important cognitive compatibility was until this lesson. Never realized that people with so much potential can choose to play it down and accept stagnation. Never realized that qualities that I can't bear to see, are so abundant around me.