I've done it again. I've managed to take a completely innocent situation and make it about how the world is against me. I've managed to find the fault in the conversations and I haven't even started trying...my brain just does the killing. And I cause myself unnecessary anxiety and grief. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I doubt so much? Can I blame introversion for this again? No. I know I can blame society or the people around me, but it becomes counter productive because by blaming everyone around my social circle, I create a social gap that is filled by my complaints that ultimately pushes society away from me. I don't want that. But I don't want to be left behind either. And that is how I kill my own mood.
When friends talk about their trips to go this place and that, the automatic thing I say is 'bo jio' and that is often followed by their explanation on why I wasn't invited in the first place (eg. Aren't you busy? You just went there. We thought that you wouldn't want to go. Oops, we forgot.) and these explanations often translate into the same thing in my brain which is: You're not invited or We don't want you there. Because even if you genuinely forgot to invite me, it means that I wasn't on that invite list to begin with.
And that becomes a blast to the self-esteem. Might as well throw me down a social ladder down to the pit where all the other social outcasts belongs because being remembered is pretty important in my book. When I'm not remembered, some leaf of hope that sprang forth from actually feeling accepted withers away. When I'm not given a voice to speak, that branch where that leaf grew from falls to the ground.
Yes, it's probably me. Just like every other thing that has been happening. I don't deny that my overthinking has something to do with it, but I have to jut in that the overthinking seed was planted by situations. The reason why I don't feel accepted is from years and years of feeling left out.
Even right now as I type these words, I'm all alone in a classroom-sized room. Right next door is probably 20 of my fellow classmates (I hear by voice and see via a small gap in the door)... Not their fault that there's something more entertaining on the other side, but the thing I can't get out of my head is, why didn't anyone bothered to invite my over? Why?
So yes, I can conclude that my overthinking has gotten a hold of me, it's not their fault...that they planned a trip and forgot to invite me. It's not their fault that they cut me out of conversations. It's not their fault that I take things too sensitively. It's not their fault that I'm an introvert and that I "supposedly" prefer isolation even though conversations are all I crave for. It's my fault for thinking about it. It's my fault for being sensitive. It's my fault for listening to their great times they had at that place in which I wasn't invited. It's my fault for needing to be remembered. It's my fault for overthinking. It's my fault for killing my own mood. It's my fault...
