Why I seem to enjoy big groups

Just the other day, I was over at a friend's house with a big bunch of friends for swimming, and when the host and I sat down for a bit, I was asked this question: Why do I like big groups? I had an answer ready, but then another person came along and I didn't get my chance to answer. Since, I'm a person that needs closure, this post will have to suffice.

So why do I seem to enjoy crowds? Before we take on that question, I feel it should be right to introduce my background. At my core, I'm an introverted homeschooler. So for the most part, I'm not supposed to like "crowds". I'm supposed to be emotionally drained from all the socializing. I'm supposed to lurk in a corner with my face in a book or tablet. I'm not supposed to like a big bunch of people surrounding themselves and stretching my attention thin, wearing me out, and denying me the one-to-one attention introverts crave for.

It's easier to hide in big groups
Yes, when it all comes down to it, I find groups attractive mainly due to the fact that not all the attention is on you. You are "part" of the group, but not necessary need to be a "contributing" member. I can hide and "recharge" without missing anything in big groups because the group's attention is volatile. I do a lot of starring in big groups. I do a lot of observing. I can be completely ignored in big group yet feel like I was part of the conversations with just an occasional nod of my head.

Big groups have more doing and going
Big group activities are easier to plan. They are almost always mostly pre-planned, and have very little room for error. As a person who likes my days booked beforehand to avoid an unnecessary rescheduling, having pre-planned activities such as bowling, swimming, hiking, and even just visiting a house clears up my anxiety by a lot because I can mentally prepare for the coming conversations, traditions, and other social habits. Big groups are more predictable.

Less socially awkward situations 
If I was in a small group, every socially awkward thing I do is multiplied by infinity, while in a big group, they may hardly even be noticed. There's just too many people around that like my first point mentioned: I can hide.

Big groups make me feel like I'm part of something bigger
There's no better feeling than feeling that you're doing something big in your life, and being part of a big group somehow replicates that feeling that you're part of something bigger. It doesn't matter if it's your movie group or mamak buddies, just the act of doing something with a whole bunch of other people has an euphoric feeling attached to it. And that's probably why a lot of people do crazy things in groups (insert diffusion of responsibility lecture).

Big groups means there're less people left out
Being once the guy who felt left out, I always try to make it a point to make sure that everyone feels a belonging. I feel bad when I see people I care about left out, and that is the reason why I normally end up planning big events that eventually flop. When I see mutual friends posting about group hang outs that I wasn't invited to, I feel rather down. BO JIO. And I wouldn't wish that on people I care about.

There's never a conversation that I can't join
Another reason I like big groups is the fact that they consist of smaller groups. Many-a-times I feel rather left out in my social circles when people start talking about government school and stuff that I was never a part of. When this situation happened, I would walk away and join another conversation. There's almost always a group of people that I can join, and in this way, I won't feel too left out.

I don't know any other way

After all the plus points about why I "enjoy" bigger groups, the truth is that, big groups are the only way I know how to go. For all my life, my social gatherings have always been about the quantity. From youth groups to college groups, most of my conversing life has been in big groups. It was only recently that I starting attending smaller scaled gatherings. Before this, I wasn't the one to be invited to these "exclusive" functions, but being able to join smaller groups has made me realize how much I'm actually missing. I'm slowly learning how to communicate in a smaller circle.

So to conclude, it's not that I love crowds and prefer them over smaller groups, it's just that I've not had the proper opportunity to mix at a smaller scale. I do not enjoy big groups over small groups, but I guess I need to brush up on my one-to-one if I am to communicate more effectively in smaller groups.

And just as I thought I was in the clear

...the thing called life catches up with a vengeance.

When I exited my final paper last Friday, I felt relieved - I felt alive once again. One big burden lifted from my chest, but it was only temporary. You see, while one burden was over, it was replaced by another pressing burden in this never ending cue of burdens waiting to receive your attention. In between there, I realized that I've lost myself. I became a creature of doing and not of thinking. Going through the status quo - following routine. Why? Because I've known no other life.

As far back, I've been taught that if I'm not studying, I'm working, and if I'm not working, I'm studying. I've been educated to the rat race of society in which living is only worth it if you are earning. And it is essentially no one's fault. It's no one's fault to believe that money = progress. It's no one's fault to think that there's no other life worth living than an earning one. But this is where I begin to lose my grip on reality.

Being caught up in this rat race, I've lost track of what I love. They say that the happiest people in the world are the one's who do what they love for a living, but due to various reasons including age, race, and opportunities, the things I really love doing are not enough to make a living here. So my dreams are fulfilled by the opportuned and the spoilt, while I live their worst imaginable nightmares (at least work towards living that nightmare).

This is predominantly an Asian thing (By 'this', I mean the whole work for pay and pay for work cycle) and I'm often envious of other cultures being allowed to go out and 'explore' the world - to discover who they are, what they love, where they belong. I'm envious at the fact that I probably would never be allowed that freedom - that freedom to feel no weight on my shoulders to be truly free from all responsibilities, to feel absolute bliss. I'm envious that the more I look into the future, the more bleak it seems - I see an unhappy and stressed out Reuben sitting behind a desk typing random things into a computer with an endless pile of paperwork next to him. I see a tired Reuben struggling to force a smile when he reaches home to his family. I see a worn-out Reuben who is complaining about the system but eventually accepts it as unchanging. I see a defeated Reuben whose mind is full of "what-ifs" and regrets.

I don't wanna be that sad little cooked up kid. I feel that I've been prepared for more than just being boxed up. I believe that I've been prepared for a borderless reality with unlimited opportunities, but things are just weighing me down. With expectations of a better life comes with it the anxiety of failure, and sometimes just thinking of the failure is enough.

What I need right now is a reflective getaway. I want to get out into a mountain and look down on the entire Klang Valley and say "everything is so minute". I want to be able to see that my problems aren't that big a deal and that I can overcome them. I want to be able to climb a mountain look down and see everything in a different perspective. I want to seek God and beg him to reveal the plans he has for me. But all these wants can never truly be met because of one thing: Time. I won't be able to find the time for solitude (not this year anyways). I won't be able to find time to let alone breathe. So I have to work with what I've got. I have to cherish the little amount of me time I have and pray that it is enough for personal growth. I have to constantly take away all distractions to allow myself time to think.

I'm not in the clear with regards of my future, and I'm pretty sure that I'll never be truly clear, but I'm just hoping, praying, that some light will be shed on this future that seems to be all bleak and lonely.

Overwhelmed

I seriously need to learn to say no to some things.

There's no time to breathe, there's no time to think. And I'm resorting to working on instincts.

Can't wait for the holidays to begin. At least it takes away some of the academic stress and gives me something thinking time to fix my thesis.

Bye..

Reflection

You know how one day everything could be working out fine - you have someone to talk to on Whatsapp, you feel excited for the day, and you excel in everything you put your head to - and then comes one day in which nothing seems to be working - the last message you received was from 4 days ago, waking up becomes a chore, and you make stupid mistakes in things you could literally do with your eyes closed. I kinda hit the latter recently.  All things came crashing down.  It was not the workload or the academic stress. It was not the multitudes of planned commitments or social gatherings.  It was just a small little disappointment that really killed the mood. And now here I am, stuck in this semi-depressed state, thinking about how on earth could one little thing like that cause such a big change in my affect - the butterfly effect.

I guess it was a buildup that came when the image that I have been building all my life slapped me in my face. A realization that I was not the person that I imagined myself to be. I thought I was okay (Let me explain what I mean by okay. I thought I had invested in social relationships to withdraw something, I thought I had done enough to be remembered when gatherings were called into place, I thought being the forgotten one was the thing of the past, but the truth was that everything was in my head. I wasn't the socialite that had everyone's attention I was the silent observer with nothing to say but reruns. I wasn't the confidant in which had the trust of others; I was the guy who happened to be in the right circle of conversations.). So I thought everything was okay, until the whirlwind of reality hit. 

The problem with this is that I cannot pinpoint where it started. It came quietly and before I knew it, I was trapped and could not escape. Being a psychology candidate, it was ironic that I couldn't get myself out of the state.  There was not enough self-counselling, there was not enough self-reflection to get myself out of the state. With this came the realization that I was not an island. How could I ask people to confide in me when there's nothing shared on my side? I've never been the classic Chinaman who kept all problems to myself. Why? I've always thought that people wouldn't be interested in my story. I've always thought that my problems were not that big a deal when compared to others. I've always thought that sharing made me look weak. Classic Chinaman.  Having an introverted and anxious personality didn't help either. I didn't want to show the world I was hurt. I wanted to be the anchor that was strong enough. And because of pride, I was forced to be humbled. 

Guess in itself this was a wake up call. I was thrown down from that throne of steadiness and forced to climb back to a more acceptable level. I had to seek for help, but I was still stubborn. I continued to keep the pain in my heart. Not because I was still proud but because I was scared. Never in my life have I confided in anyone with information so personal.  Relief came when the pain was so great that it showed behind the facade of confidence and friends started taking notice. This was reassuring. It was really a sign and an answer to my prayers for help.  Sharing the landslide of hurt didn't make me feel better, but knowing that I had friends who were looking out for me did.  One by one friends started asking about my well-being and I was forced to force open the clam that held my reality.  

In the end, the lesson that was learnt was like that idiom, "No man is an island." I needed support to pull me out of the abyss. I needed people. Sharing still doesn't come easy even though a week has passed.  Things seem to be getting better. I'm waking up to a more optimistic day.  It was amazing waking up one day and feeling different from the previous 4 weeks.  I'm not out of the clear, but it seems that this phase is coming to a close. 

A big shoutout to the people who cared enough to give me a "pick-me-up".  You have no idea what that simple conversation did, then again maybe you did. To you beautiful and wonderful people, I owe you one :)

30 Updates

Eh, it's been awhile. Just some things that have been happening:

1.   Silver medal for Tennis.
2.   Last place in 400m sprint.
3.   The pile of work isn't shrinking.
4.   Finally handed in Thesis Draft 1.
5.   Realized I made a stupid 105 mistake in Thesis Draft 1.
6.   Pleasant conversations.
7.   CUG board is finally being updated.
8.   Dad's Thesis is finally out of the way.
9.   Short sem is a pain.
10. Sleep is for the weak.
11. I'm weak.
12. Mood swings.
13. Easily angered.
14. Struggling to survive.
15. Suicidal thoughts.
16. Commitment craziness.
17. Priorities with the same deadlines.
18. Zero personal time.
19. I need more time.
20. Awkwardness increases with stress.
21. Over-thinking.
22. Adrenaline rush.
23. Public transportation.
24. You should get twitter.
25. 8 Hour lectures on Tuesdays.
26. Another table tennis competition coming up.
27. Sports my one de-stressor.
28. Computer is finally in the room.
29. Hot nights.
30. Cognitive congestion.

Final week of Madness

It's all coming to an end soon..
One more week of enduring this hectic 6-hours sleep cycle. One more week of feeling that the weight I'm pulling is one too heavy. One more week until I can truly focus on what's important - THESIS! One more week of neglecting social relationships for end-focused groups.  One more week of lying to myself that I'm okay. One more week of pushing away emotions and letting the cognitive processes take over. One more week of telling myself that I can let go of the chase and focus somewhere else. One more week of tension and stress.  One more week... One week MOREEEE!!! (Cue Les Mis sound track).

Been really pushing myself so hard on academics the last few weeks that I've come to realize that I've lost touch with other aspects of myself.
I've lost contact with the happenings of my friends
I've become more goal-focused with my university friends
I've locked out people
I've blocked out all non-helpful emotions that won't help me get my work done
I've become more angry
I've given up on things that actually matter.

It has become an ongoing influx of do this and do that and I'm lost in the middle. Whenever something is done, something else arrives to take it's place. It's like an army of soldiers hellbent on keeping me surrounded. I feel lost in the middle of the chaos and I find it harder and harder to remind myself the core purpose of all this suffering.

Progress. It has always been about moving forward. One stage to the next. But I've always been a person who plans in advance. When I was younger I would plan for the next year, now as I age, I plan for the next few years. I have a plan that will keep me moving forward, but the sad thing is that for the first time in my life, my plan to move forward is holding me back.

With this final week of madness coming to an end, I hope to put aside time to move forward.

Effort is the greatest gift.

A timely message for this somewhat important occasion. As I turn another decade, I can't help but to feel a little nostalgic. It is almost cliche to say that I've changed alot throughout this decade but that can be said for every other year past and present from now. But what I am sure about is that the way I feel accepted will not changed.

I believe that the greatest gift one can really offer to another person is the gift of effort. Nowadays with the maggi mee generation running mad all over the place, it comes to no surprise that we're lacking a human touch. Many of the people I know are sociable people and they manage to receive the social effort they need to feel belonged, but the difference between them and me is my inability to socialize properly. Many of those who are not so sociable are blessed with at least one sociable friend to keep them going. For me, it's another story. I'm not that guy in which one would randomly call out for a drink, meal, movie, or whatever.  At least I'm not first in the list. I'm more than often that kid they remember after calling the popular ones.

It's how I've felt almost throughout my life. I've always felt like a second-class friend. That guy who people invite just because they are already inviting the group -that "might-as-well" guy.  That's why I'm sometimes overenthusiastic when I'm inviting to things and terribly disappointed when I fail to make it to the invite list.

I guess that's how I developed my love language in the first place. I'm an E for effort guy. I feel in today's society what we are lacking is just that - Effort. We are so caught up with the times that we often do not have the time to put in more effort into things anymore. That's why we have shops dedicated to "birthday gifts" and "birthday cards", it's like a touch&go store. We move at such paces that we often forget to check and think whether the receiver would like your gift. In the end you find yourself at your girlfriend's house with a power ranger action figure because you couldn't find the time to check your gift.

I'm touched when people take the time off their super busy schedule and make the time to have a chit chat.  I yearn for the little one-on-one talks. I yearn to share my soul to people, but sometimes I feel that I'm shut off by the more common topics like "New movies and songs" instead of more important things like "How do you find yourself today?"

I'm reminded of Tuesdays with Morrie - a book by Mitch Albom - in which Morrie, never takes his eyes away from the person in front of him.  He gives his full attention, and that is where I want to be. I want to be that friend who makes you feel so welcomed and secure that we can spend hours on end just talking about the world. I want to be that friend to sweat out effort just to have quality time.

As midnight strikes and I hit a decade older, I just have one thing to say to those who read this blog. Take effort and time away from the busyness of social media and assignments and work and pay attention to those things that really matter, because tomorrow is another unpredictable 24hour-cycle and there are a gazillion things that could jeopardize your happiness.