Eh, it's been awhile. Just some things that have been happening:
1. Silver medal for Tennis.
2. Last place in 400m sprint.
3. The pile of work isn't shrinking.
4. Finally handed in Thesis Draft 1.
5. Realized I made a stupid 105 mistake in Thesis Draft 1.
6. Pleasant conversations.
7. CUG board is finally being updated.
8. Dad's Thesis is finally out of the way.
9. Short sem is a pain.
10. Sleep is for the weak.
11. I'm weak.
12. Mood swings.
13. Easily angered.
14. Struggling to survive.
15. Suicidal thoughts.
16. Commitment craziness.
17. Priorities with the same deadlines.
18. Zero personal time.
19. I need more time.
20. Awkwardness increases with stress.
21. Over-thinking.
22. Adrenaline rush.
23. Public transportation.
24. You should get twitter.
25. 8 Hour lectures on Tuesdays.
26. Another table tennis competition coming up.
27. Sports my one de-stressor.
28. Computer is finally in the room.
29. Hot nights.
30. Cognitive congestion.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Wednesday, March 27, 2013
Final week of Madness
It's all coming to an end soon..
One more week of enduring this hectic 6-hours sleep cycle. One more week of feeling that the weight I'm pulling is one too heavy. One more week until I can truly focus on what's important - THESIS! One more week of neglecting social relationships for end-focused groups. One more week of lying to myself that I'm okay. One more week of pushing away emotions and letting the cognitive processes take over. One more week of telling myself that I can let go of the chase and focus somewhere else. One more week of tension and stress. One more week... One week MOREEEE!!! (Cue Les Mis sound track).
Been really pushing myself so hard on academics the last few weeks that I've come to realize that I've lost touch with other aspects of myself.
I've lost contact with the happenings of my friends
I've become more goal-focused with my university friends
I've locked out people
I've blocked out all non-helpful emotions that won't help me get my work done
I've become more angry
I've given up on things that actually matter.
It has become an ongoing influx of do this and do that and I'm lost in the middle. Whenever something is done, something else arrives to take it's place. It's like an army of soldiers hellbent on keeping me surrounded. I feel lost in the middle of the chaos and I find it harder and harder to remind myself the core purpose of all this suffering.
Progress. It has always been about moving forward. One stage to the next. But I've always been a person who plans in advance. When I was younger I would plan for the next year, now as I age, I plan for the next few years. I have a plan that will keep me moving forward, but the sad thing is that for the first time in my life, my plan to move forward is holding me back.
With this final week of madness coming to an end, I hope to put aside time to move forward.
One more week of enduring this hectic 6-hours sleep cycle. One more week of feeling that the weight I'm pulling is one too heavy. One more week until I can truly focus on what's important - THESIS! One more week of neglecting social relationships for end-focused groups. One more week of lying to myself that I'm okay. One more week of pushing away emotions and letting the cognitive processes take over. One more week of telling myself that I can let go of the chase and focus somewhere else. One more week of tension and stress. One more week... One week MOREEEE!!! (Cue Les Mis sound track).
Been really pushing myself so hard on academics the last few weeks that I've come to realize that I've lost touch with other aspects of myself.
I've lost contact with the happenings of my friends
I've become more goal-focused with my university friends
I've locked out people
I've blocked out all non-helpful emotions that won't help me get my work done
I've become more angry
I've given up on things that actually matter.
It has become an ongoing influx of do this and do that and I'm lost in the middle. Whenever something is done, something else arrives to take it's place. It's like an army of soldiers hellbent on keeping me surrounded. I feel lost in the middle of the chaos and I find it harder and harder to remind myself the core purpose of all this suffering.
Progress. It has always been about moving forward. One stage to the next. But I've always been a person who plans in advance. When I was younger I would plan for the next year, now as I age, I plan for the next few years. I have a plan that will keep me moving forward, but the sad thing is that for the first time in my life, my plan to move forward is holding me back.
With this final week of madness coming to an end, I hope to put aside time to move forward.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Effort is the greatest gift.
A timely message for this somewhat important occasion. As I turn another decade, I can't help but to feel a little nostalgic. It is almost cliche to say that I've changed alot throughout this decade but that can be said for every other year past and present from now. But what I am sure about is that the way I feel accepted will not changed.
I believe that the greatest gift one can really offer to another person is the gift of effort. Nowadays with the maggi mee generation running mad all over the place, it comes to no surprise that we're lacking a human touch. Many of the people I know are sociable people and they manage to receive the social effort they need to feel belonged, but the difference between them and me is my inability to socialize properly. Many of those who are not so sociable are blessed with at least one sociable friend to keep them going. For me, it's another story. I'm not that guy in which one would randomly call out for a drink, meal, movie, or whatever. At least I'm not first in the list. I'm more than often that kid they remember after calling the popular ones.
It's how I've felt almost throughout my life. I've always felt like a second-class friend. That guy who people invite just because they are already inviting the group -that "might-as-well" guy. That's why I'm sometimes overenthusiastic when I'm inviting to things and terribly disappointed when I fail to make it to the invite list.
I guess that's how I developed my love language in the first place. I'm an E for effort guy. I feel in today's society what we are lacking is just that - Effort. We are so caught up with the times that we often do not have the time to put in more effort into things anymore. That's why we have shops dedicated to "birthday gifts" and "birthday cards", it's like a touch&go store. We move at such paces that we often forget to check and think whether the receiver would like your gift. In the end you find yourself at your girlfriend's house with a power ranger action figure because you couldn't find the time to check your gift.
I'm touched when people take the time off their super busy schedule and make the time to have a chit chat. I yearn for the little one-on-one talks. I yearn to share my soul to people, but sometimes I feel that I'm shut off by the more common topics like "New movies and songs" instead of more important things like "How do you find yourself today?"
I'm reminded of Tuesdays with Morrie - a book by Mitch Albom - in which Morrie, never takes his eyes away from the person in front of him. He gives his full attention, and that is where I want to be. I want to be that friend who makes you feel so welcomed and secure that we can spend hours on end just talking about the world. I want to be that friend to sweat out effort just to have quality time.
As midnight strikes and I hit a decade older, I just have one thing to say to those who read this blog. Take effort and time away from the busyness of social media and assignments and work and pay attention to those things that really matter, because tomorrow is another unpredictable 24hour-cycle and there are a gazillion things that could jeopardize your happiness.
I believe that the greatest gift one can really offer to another person is the gift of effort. Nowadays with the maggi mee generation running mad all over the place, it comes to no surprise that we're lacking a human touch. Many of the people I know are sociable people and they manage to receive the social effort they need to feel belonged, but the difference between them and me is my inability to socialize properly. Many of those who are not so sociable are blessed with at least one sociable friend to keep them going. For me, it's another story. I'm not that guy in which one would randomly call out for a drink, meal, movie, or whatever. At least I'm not first in the list. I'm more than often that kid they remember after calling the popular ones.
It's how I've felt almost throughout my life. I've always felt like a second-class friend. That guy who people invite just because they are already inviting the group -that "might-as-well" guy. That's why I'm sometimes overenthusiastic when I'm inviting to things and terribly disappointed when I fail to make it to the invite list.
I guess that's how I developed my love language in the first place. I'm an E for effort guy. I feel in today's society what we are lacking is just that - Effort. We are so caught up with the times that we often do not have the time to put in more effort into things anymore. That's why we have shops dedicated to "birthday gifts" and "birthday cards", it's like a touch&go store. We move at such paces that we often forget to check and think whether the receiver would like your gift. In the end you find yourself at your girlfriend's house with a power ranger action figure because you couldn't find the time to check your gift.
I'm touched when people take the time off their super busy schedule and make the time to have a chit chat. I yearn for the little one-on-one talks. I yearn to share my soul to people, but sometimes I feel that I'm shut off by the more common topics like "New movies and songs" instead of more important things like "How do you find yourself today?"
I'm reminded of Tuesdays with Morrie - a book by Mitch Albom - in which Morrie, never takes his eyes away from the person in front of him. He gives his full attention, and that is where I want to be. I want to be that friend who makes you feel so welcomed and secure that we can spend hours on end just talking about the world. I want to be that friend to sweat out effort just to have quality time.
As midnight strikes and I hit a decade older, I just have one thing to say to those who read this blog. Take effort and time away from the busyness of social media and assignments and work and pay attention to those things that really matter, because tomorrow is another unpredictable 24hour-cycle and there are a gazillion things that could jeopardize your happiness.
Monday, March 4, 2013
The Heat is On
Just some things that are really going to send me to crazy town.
The biggest and meanest of them all: THESIS. One year of my life dedicated to make the most beautiful ever research paper of all time. Of course that's the dream, and when you have Ms. Winnee - MS. WINNEE - telling you she expects never-before-seen grades from her thesis students this semester, my mind immediately switched to the procedure of changing supervisors. I quickly destroyed that dendrite carrying that signal and focused on the present. There's a reason I chose Ms. Winnee - I needed to buck up with my work, been always having okay, little better-than-average grades. Need a test that would really break or make me. So challenge accepted. Together with the assignment rush, responsibilities at church and home, along with personal vendettas, I will slot thesis in there wherever possible.
So since we are on about University, let's move on to assignments! Yes, the bane of every university student. The endless nights, spend in front of the computer doing something ELSE instead of FACEBOOK and TWITTER. I mean who would have known that computers had other uses right? So assignments are piling in and the lack of preparations are beginning to feel a little daunting. It seemed like they were not due until a long time more, but once you write everything down on a calendar, the pressure feels so much more real. I'm just thankful that I didn't attempt the 4 subject semester this time, and decided to take it one step slower. And I'm also thankful for the fact that there are more presentations instead of written work, at least you can wing some of it.
So the biggest chunk of my life is taken by university-related things, very closely followed by the "church things". Right now, it's CUG and the Worship Ministry that I'm in at the moment. Being in charge of CUG has been rather eye-opening. You realize who are the true sporting people and who are the true reliable people. You see how one group carries on strong while another just loses their touch and falls apart after key members disappear. You start changing the list of people you would have jumped off a cliff for. After all, all that was sought for was support, and they came from an unexpected group of people. Throwing hints like this bluntly to see whether support changes. Subtle hints to see if people care. Being part of the worship ministry has forced me to hone my drumming skills and have helped me to be more confident, but sometimes I wonder if it has already served its purpose...
When I saw responsibilities at home I also include responsibilities at work, since it is a family business. So my grandmother recently had a fall and she came to live with us for a week to recover, and during the duration of her stay, we had to limit our travelling and eating places to accommodate, wasn't really irked about it, but sometimes I just wished that she had invested more in me to actually feel helping her is more than a chore. When it comes to work, well, it is work la. I can't say I love it, but it does have its perks.
Now to the me time and personal projects. Well, I haven't been working on anything to date - brushing a few scripts and songs up here and there, researching about how to properly film things, searching lowyat forums for cheap equipment. I sometimes feel like I'm ready to start but I don't know how. I need help and a guide. Looking for excuses to use the camera has helped me to adapt a little, but I need more and I'm glad to have the opportunity to work on Easter though its a small part at least I get to observe.
Another personal project is to get the band more gigs, we've been stagnant since last year's big event, and we have only one exposure. Well, we have one on the 21st of December which so COINCIDENTALLY falls on the same day as the Sports Carnival Table Tennis Competition which I am captain of the Psychology team and also falls on the same day as THREE - not ONE - THREE major assignments. 21st is going to be a challenge :|
So everything is here. The heat is on...
'Til the day I need release again...
The biggest and meanest of them all: THESIS. One year of my life dedicated to make the most beautiful ever research paper of all time. Of course that's the dream, and when you have Ms. Winnee - MS. WINNEE - telling you she expects never-before-seen grades from her thesis students this semester, my mind immediately switched to the procedure of changing supervisors. I quickly destroyed that dendrite carrying that signal and focused on the present. There's a reason I chose Ms. Winnee - I needed to buck up with my work, been always having okay, little better-than-average grades. Need a test that would really break or make me. So challenge accepted. Together with the assignment rush, responsibilities at church and home, along with personal vendettas, I will slot thesis in there wherever possible.
So since we are on about University, let's move on to assignments! Yes, the bane of every university student. The endless nights, spend in front of the computer doing something ELSE instead of FACEBOOK and TWITTER. I mean who would have known that computers had other uses right? So assignments are piling in and the lack of preparations are beginning to feel a little daunting. It seemed like they were not due until a long time more, but once you write everything down on a calendar, the pressure feels so much more real. I'm just thankful that I didn't attempt the 4 subject semester this time, and decided to take it one step slower. And I'm also thankful for the fact that there are more presentations instead of written work, at least you can wing some of it.
So the biggest chunk of my life is taken by university-related things, very closely followed by the "church things". Right now, it's CUG and the Worship Ministry that I'm in at the moment. Being in charge of CUG has been rather eye-opening. You realize who are the true sporting people and who are the true reliable people. You see how one group carries on strong while another just loses their touch and falls apart after key members disappear. You start changing the list of people you would have jumped off a cliff for. After all, all that was sought for was support, and they came from an unexpected group of people. Throwing hints like this bluntly to see whether support changes. Subtle hints to see if people care. Being part of the worship ministry has forced me to hone my drumming skills and have helped me to be more confident, but sometimes I wonder if it has already served its purpose...
When I saw responsibilities at home I also include responsibilities at work, since it is a family business. So my grandmother recently had a fall and she came to live with us for a week to recover, and during the duration of her stay, we had to limit our travelling and eating places to accommodate, wasn't really irked about it, but sometimes I just wished that she had invested more in me to actually feel helping her is more than a chore. When it comes to work, well, it is work la. I can't say I love it, but it does have its perks.
Now to the me time and personal projects. Well, I haven't been working on anything to date - brushing a few scripts and songs up here and there, researching about how to properly film things, searching lowyat forums for cheap equipment. I sometimes feel like I'm ready to start but I don't know how. I need help and a guide. Looking for excuses to use the camera has helped me to adapt a little, but I need more and I'm glad to have the opportunity to work on Easter though its a small part at least I get to observe.
Another personal project is to get the band more gigs, we've been stagnant since last year's big event, and we have only one exposure. Well, we have one on the 21st of December which so COINCIDENTALLY falls on the same day as the Sports Carnival Table Tennis Competition which I am captain of the Psychology team and also falls on the same day as THREE - not ONE - THREE major assignments. 21st is going to be a challenge :|
So everything is here. The heat is on...
'Til the day I need release again...
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Scattered thoughts
1. Nothing seems to be working the way I plan it.
2. You can spend countless effort investing into people, but they disappear when its time to withdraw.
3. Assignments are becoming a pain.
4. Lack of planning seems to be catching up with me.
5. Don't grant favors asking that they be returned; in honesty, they rarely do get returned.
6. Discipline and determination is in the lacking.
7. A green dress.
8. Brain seems to be scattered all around.
9. It's in times of testing like these that you really find out who you can trust.
10. Should really start scheduling the day properly.
11. Harlem Shake.
12. I'm done chasing wild ones, getting to old for that.
13. Table tennis level is dropping.
14. Treatment phase is failing.
15. Need to lose fat.
16. Vivid dreams.
17. It's time to settle down.
2. You can spend countless effort investing into people, but they disappear when its time to withdraw.
3. Assignments are becoming a pain.
4. Lack of planning seems to be catching up with me.
5. Don't grant favors asking that they be returned; in honesty, they rarely do get returned.
6. Discipline and determination is in the lacking.
7. A green dress.
8. Brain seems to be scattered all around.
9. It's in times of testing like these that you really find out who you can trust.
10. Should really start scheduling the day properly.
11. Harlem Shake.
12. I'm done chasing wild ones, getting to old for that.
13. Table tennis level is dropping.
14. Treatment phase is failing.
15. Need to lose fat.
16. Vivid dreams.
17. It's time to settle down.
Friday, February 1, 2013
Maturity, Care, and Risks
I'm frustrated with life at this point in time. Frustrated that what I try to do never seems to be the right thing to do. I'm frustrated with the fact that life is one complicated piece of paper written with ink that can never be fully erased.
What if I make a mistake? What if I accidentally write the wrong words? What if the ink leaks? What if I wet that paper by accident? There's no part I can "conteng" on because that's life, you only get one take at it and everything that you do leads to a consequence and leaves a mark on your page.
What makes life more complicated is that life's page is not a foolscap piece but more like a blank piece - you don't have guidelines. You have no idea where to start. You want to make a masterpiece with this page you've been given but starting is the hardest part.
Leaps of faith are easy to say. The safer than sorry method seems the more common choice. Now I'm at this part of life in which I have to make a decision. The longer I wait, the more my options lessen.
You can say that I'm a little emotional but you don't know the story, a rare few know the truth. The truth about the three. But let me speak about number one first.
It's easy for me to talk about number one because I feel like the door has already closed. I waited too long, and I asked for it. Number one was the wise one. She was the one that I met when I was still immature and naive. I knew nothing about life while she had a first hand experience. She was the first to tell me of her problems and I fell. She confided in me of the broken heart and I caught the wrong cue. I rushed. You rash little kid. Young and naive. And just like that I lost my one shot. If there's one thing that you've taught me is that I have to be mature. Every year I would call, but that would be it. We've yet to meet in three years, but I do hope we can at least catch up :)
Now to move on to number two. What can I say about you? Except you were all that I was hoping to find. The first person to strike me the week I started uni. Imagine my depression when I found out you were taken. But I was fine. Somehow I knew that there would be nothing between us and I'm glad I didn't try anything because now I've found a good friend in you. While there will always be that "what-if" thoughts in my head, I know that it's better to be friends. I'll always care about you even if you don't care about yourself. We know that girls and guys can be good friends right? What lesson have I learnt from you? Well, let's see, you have taught me to be caring. And as we soon move on after Uni, I just hope that friendships wouldn't die.
Finally to number three. I would say that you were the person I was most open with. You were the person that most of my friends knew about. The Valentine. From a simple thing like a camp to a friendship that developed first through little FB comments to sms everyday. If you've taught me anything, it's to be daring. You've taught me to take risks to go out there and put myself on the line because life is short and not worth waiting. You've made me from a man of planning to be a man of action. And though now it sometimes feels a little weird, I still cherish our friendship. Now it seems harder and harder to catch you, and the distance seems to be growing, but if there's something I'm sure of, no matter what happens, you've given me a great lesson in life - one amazing adventure.
So why is this post entitled frustrations? Because of the fact that I'm confused. I'm confused because everything seems to be leading to a dead end, and it seems like I might have to start all over. I'm not getting any younger and the longer I wait the more "inexperienced" I become. What happens when all are taken and I'm left alone? It seems a little sad to think that, but I guess the sadder but wiser hypothesis holds true here.
Only time will tell I guess.
It's getting harder and harder to talk to you because I keep on feeling like you don't like talking to me. It may be my overthinking acting up, I know, but I just can't help thinking that I've been forgotten.
What if I make a mistake? What if I accidentally write the wrong words? What if the ink leaks? What if I wet that paper by accident? There's no part I can "conteng" on because that's life, you only get one take at it and everything that you do leads to a consequence and leaves a mark on your page.
What makes life more complicated is that life's page is not a foolscap piece but more like a blank piece - you don't have guidelines. You have no idea where to start. You want to make a masterpiece with this page you've been given but starting is the hardest part.
Leaps of faith are easy to say. The safer than sorry method seems the more common choice. Now I'm at this part of life in which I have to make a decision. The longer I wait, the more my options lessen.
You can say that I'm a little emotional but you don't know the story, a rare few know the truth. The truth about the three. But let me speak about number one first.
It's easy for me to talk about number one because I feel like the door has already closed. I waited too long, and I asked for it. Number one was the wise one. She was the one that I met when I was still immature and naive. I knew nothing about life while she had a first hand experience. She was the first to tell me of her problems and I fell. She confided in me of the broken heart and I caught the wrong cue. I rushed. You rash little kid. Young and naive. And just like that I lost my one shot. If there's one thing that you've taught me is that I have to be mature. Every year I would call, but that would be it. We've yet to meet in three years, but I do hope we can at least catch up :)
Now to move on to number two. What can I say about you? Except you were all that I was hoping to find. The first person to strike me the week I started uni. Imagine my depression when I found out you were taken. But I was fine. Somehow I knew that there would be nothing between us and I'm glad I didn't try anything because now I've found a good friend in you. While there will always be that "what-if" thoughts in my head, I know that it's better to be friends. I'll always care about you even if you don't care about yourself. We know that girls and guys can be good friends right? What lesson have I learnt from you? Well, let's see, you have taught me to be caring. And as we soon move on after Uni, I just hope that friendships wouldn't die.
Finally to number three. I would say that you were the person I was most open with. You were the person that most of my friends knew about. The Valentine. From a simple thing like a camp to a friendship that developed first through little FB comments to sms everyday. If you've taught me anything, it's to be daring. You've taught me to take risks to go out there and put myself on the line because life is short and not worth waiting. You've made me from a man of planning to be a man of action. And though now it sometimes feels a little weird, I still cherish our friendship. Now it seems harder and harder to catch you, and the distance seems to be growing, but if there's something I'm sure of, no matter what happens, you've given me a great lesson in life - one amazing adventure.
So why is this post entitled frustrations? Because of the fact that I'm confused. I'm confused because everything seems to be leading to a dead end, and it seems like I might have to start all over. I'm not getting any younger and the longer I wait the more "inexperienced" I become. What happens when all are taken and I'm left alone? It seems a little sad to think that, but I guess the sadder but wiser hypothesis holds true here.
Only time will tell I guess.
It's getting harder and harder to talk to you because I keep on feeling like you don't like talking to me. It may be my overthinking acting up, I know, but I just can't help thinking that I've been forgotten.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Catharsis
I'm not looking for an argument here. I know you are angry because you think I'm doing nothing about the club and maybe you are right - The club is not at my utmost priority. But when we formed the committee you didn't have any objections about me being president. Maybe you didn't know how I did things, maybe you didn't know how I lead, so I'll give you the benefit of the doubt on that part. So after months having the club as an official body, I keep on hearing things that you say behind my back. You keep on complaining about what I've not done and what I could do. But have you stopped to consider what I've actually done? Let's take things down shall we?
Time and time again for countless hours. I hear your complaints about how I don't run things properly. Time and time again, I hear from others how much you really talk behind my back. We are supposed to be friends, now it feels more like I was a convenient training dummy that could be called upon only when needed.
I'm not going to question your credentials. I'm not going to brag about mine.
I don't need another mess on my plate. It's full enough already.
- I actually formed the club. I ran around looking for names. I traveled one from end of HELP to another just to make the club official. I had to look for people to sign names.
- I have attended most of the compulsory meetings, and the times that I asked anyone to go, I had to ask and plead my brains off.
- I got our official meetings times set in stone. I had to write the proposal and get things signed.
Time and time again for countless hours. I hear your complaints about how I don't run things properly. Time and time again, I hear from others how much you really talk behind my back. We are supposed to be friends, now it feels more like I was a convenient training dummy that could be called upon only when needed.
I'm not going to question your credentials. I'm not going to brag about mine.
I don't need another mess on my plate. It's full enough already.
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