The Critical Church

"The music is too loud."

"A woman shouldn't be on the pulpit."

"If you repeat a song too many times, it loses its meaning."

"God is not deaf."

"His pronunciation was terrible."

"Why didn't the pastor say something about that?"

"You shouldn't use your phone to read scripture."

"He is reading his prayer."

"Her prayer has no structure."

"The worship had no direction."

"How can they let a child do that?"

"That was such a distracting slang."

"Young people should know better."

"Worship was flat."

Sound familiar? The church would like to think themselves free from the little quirks of the world but the truth is that they are right at the center of it. With the onslaught of knowledge acquisition via the internet, everyone has become a critic. We criticize everything from a certain actor's movie choices to a particular singer on Youtube. We, ourselves, are the smartest people that we know and everyone else is just too blind and needs our 'enlightenment'.

The church hasn't escaped this. I always found that the beauty of having denominations in the Christian faith was that there was a church for everyone. But somehow we are caught in a "ours is better" debate between denominations which only serves to show non-Christians our differences, and because of that, these non-Christians will never see the common ground that C.S.Lewis talks about:

"When all is said (and truly said) about the divisions of Christendom, there remains, by God's mercy, an enormous common ground." - C.S. Lewis, Mere Christianity 

We're so busy fighting among ourselves trying to prove who is right that we're missing out the main point. We forget the one thing that is most important of them all - that Grace has come to set us free. And from the Grace that we have received through the example and mercy of Jesus Christ, we too should show grace.

But that isn't the case, the church is so caught up in pleasing the congregation that we're crippled instead of set free. Worship leaders who are eager to sing new songs unto the Lord are quickly turned into uninspired puppets because of the murmurings of critical people. How do you expect one person to dare stand before the congregation to speak of God's amazing grace when the person knows that that grace is not extended to him? When your every move from walking too much and standing too still is noted down by critical eyes? When your every diction is scrutinized and your mannerism interpreted for worse? How is one free to worship when hands are nervously raised and knees are scared to bend?

We are set free by Grace. We are set free from the bondage of the world. At least we are supposed to be. Somehow we are free from earthly bondage but are subject to the chains of legality. How can this be?

"In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity." - Augustine of Hippo

We take pride in our ability to spot the splinter in our brother's eye. And the worse part is that we are well aware of the teachings of Jesus on this. We take pride in bringing down our fellow Christians. We take pride in winning the little battles. We take pride in our intellectual capability.

In so doing, we fail to exercise grace. We fail to be the least of these. We fail to love. We fail to lift others up.

---

If I have ever used my intellect as a means of bringing you down, I am sorry. If I have ever criticized your actions either in front of you or behind your back, I ask for your forgiveness. If I have ever hurt you for uncalled reasons, I apologize. I don't want to be part of the critical church anymore. I want to be a grace reflector. I have been saved by grace and from now on I only hope that my actions reflect grace.

The Traveling Month

August proved to be a really happening time period. I'm feel quite accomplished at the fact that I didn't spend an entire week in Selangor. Life went on normally when I was in the office, but whenever it was possible, I took off to feed the yolo travelling desires that have been cooking since the year began.

Kin Tick Orchard Village (20th July - 22nd July)

Drove there on a Sunday right after church. We made a stop at a Chinese restaurant named Xan Ling at Segambut. It was jammed packed with customers and it took us a while before we could find a vacant table despite the fact that it was 1:30pm and the restaurant was the size of a small mall. And the food was good.

We got back on the road and before we knew it, we entered the territory of Bentong which was where our resort was located. We made a pit stop for the famous Bentong ice cream...

...and we reached our destination.

The place was beautiful. Surrounded by greens at every corner. Spent most of the time with my brother filming things and shooting things. The thing about Bentong was that it was high enough to have a hint of the hilly chillness. It was a good recharge. 

Port Dickson Methodist Center (1st - 3rd August)

Attending CUG's annual camp has always been one of the highlights of my year. This year, we
invaded PDMC as Salt and Light. I don't think there's much to say about the camp that hasn't been said. So if you want to read about what we did, head over here, here, or here.

Langkawi (6th - 8th August)

Barely even three days back, before I was out for the next destination. This time with the male colleagues for some berbonding time and since pictures paint a thousand words, I shall let the breathtaking (at least I think they are breathtaking) photos I took, show you my experience. 

There was a lot of good food and good company. The irony of the entire trip was that the bus journey took longer than the plane ride. 

Melaka (15th August)

Trying to keep the traveling spree going, a spontaneous one-day trip was planned Melaka-bound.  

Tons of chicken rice balls after, and we were back within 3 hours.

Thankful for spontaneous colleagues. 

Ipoh (23rd August)

Now with the PJEFC Comms+Media Crew, we took a trip to Ipoh for the sole purpose of shooting things. This was another day trip. Having pulled an all-nighter the night before, I have no pictures of the bus ride because I was dead asleep. 

Genting (31st August - 1st September)

The last stop of the Traveling Month was another spontaneous trip. We didn't even decide on the place until we met up and didn't even decide whether we'd be staying the night until we reached the destination.

*note to self: Always check to see that the cable car lights are working before entering.*

All-in-all, I thoroughly enjoyed the traveling and the company. Whoever says that Malaysia doesn't have anything to offer in terms of traveling destinations is blind. Yes, there are "better" places overseas, but at least, locally, we don't have to pay a bomb.

Now it has been almost a month since I last stepped outside the Klang Valley and I'm very tempted to fly away again.

My Opinion

We are being raised as an entitled generation. Society tells us to question authority and we are rewarded for speaking out our mind. We receive reinforcement for having (and fighting for) an opinion. World issue? Better have a stand on that particular new uproar in a nation that is a few thousand miles away and (to be honest) have nothing to do with you. Religion? Either follow one or deny its existence, and go debate about how everyone else is wrong to adhere to something against your stand. Politics? Support one, diss the other, or believe that you are too pure to get involved. Homosexuality? Even if it doesn’t affect you, you still have to have a stand no? Next we’re going to have people having moral debates about whether it is socially acceptable for adults to be in love with kids (and there is actually a debate already).

Opinions are everywhere. Social media seems to have spearheaded this generation of one-sided people. Facebook asks “What’s on your mind?” and Twitter does the same by asking “What’s happening?” And there is nothing entirely wrong with having an opinion, right? After all, we are ALL entitled to OUR own opinion. That is the message we have been told since we were young. We are living in a world that is increasingly personal. We have personal mobile phones instead of sharing a communal house phone and we drive five-seater cars solo. We mess with the status quo because being radical is rewarded. We draw inspiration from famous people. From Abraham Lincoln to Adolf Hitler, we see that history remembers the bold and different – the men and women of rock solid opinion. We embolden diversity and frown upon the boring and stagnant. We tell people to follow their wacky dreams and we ignore those who conform to a boring office job.

In so doing, we raise a generation that yearns for attention. We raise a generation that grows up to believe that to be heard, you have to say something that sounds philosophical, controversial, or meaningful. We ask thought-provoking questions not for the answers but for the sake of feeling smarter. We share deep thoughts not for the progress of knowledge but for the number of “likes” it receives. We start debates (more like arguments) on these deep thoughts that become a battle of who can type the longest comment or who can outlast the other. We attack people’s opinions with scrutiny, but we miss the cracks in ours.

Why?

Because we want to be heard. We are eager for the world to listen to us. So eager in fact, that we have no time or patience to listen to other people’s eager cries to be heard. I say ‘we’ because, by default, I belong to this generation. I do yearn for my voice to be heard, my statuses to be liked and to finally feel that the world cares about ME. I was raised by the society that said having an opinion mattered and knowing how to defend it to your dying breath is honorable.

But the question is: What will become of this?

I am not going to propose a three-step solution. There isn't one that I am aware of. But what I can tell you is that this is not going to get any better. We have lost something in this generation and with that loss came a quiet shift from a caring society to an opinionated one. We have lost the ability to listen. We have lost the ability to accommodate another person’s opinion with our own. We have lost the ability to treasure knowledge and learn from an opposing view. We have closed our minds in times when we could have learnt the most. We hear noise coming out of our antagonist’s lips and we shrug them away. Why? Because…

We are never wrong.

We are entitled.

Our opinions are of great value.

And this is my opinion.

The Imagined Future

"He missed that too, and it hadn't even happened. He missed his imagined future." - Colin Singleton in An Abundance of Katherines by John Green

 I get ahead of myself. Being the person that likes to work towards a goal, it should come to no surprise. When I'm immersed in a conversation with a friend, my head will be full of questions like what I would be saying next, what question would be a good follow up, is it awkward to have a silent pause here? And it doesn't stop there. My brain continues on to "When will we be meeting again?" and in my head I'm already planning the next meeting to suit my mental schedule.

It seems that I live in the future. I live in an imagined future. In this imagined future, everything is exactly as I've planned. I'm exactly where I want to be and with exactly the people I want to be with. And that is where the problem begins...

I have an imagined future and it is idealistic. It's almost perfect. There are no problems. And that inadvertently is the problem.  Life isn't perfect (At least the present isn't). Because the present is uncertain. The variables are ever changing and whatever changes in my present will mess up my imagined future. I'm not a spontaneous person. I don't work well under last minute stress. I can't handle that. But the present seems to always call upon the need for spontaneity.

As of now, my imagined self in my imagined future is sitting comfortably in front of his computer typing away a script or a book or a poem where his wife and beautiful children waltzes into the room and the kids are jumping on the sofa screaming in delight. The wife leans on the table and strokes his hair asking how goes the progress. In the future, I wouldn't need anymore...

The problem is working towards that imagined future. As of now, I am nowhere near that imagined future. I don't have anything published, I don't have a significant other, and I don't have a fancy writing room. I am normally too caught up with trying to make my present match this imagined future that I miss out on opportunities. I miss out on potential friendships because the schema doesn't match. I miss out on golden opportunities, because it isn't part of the imagined future.

Am I losing what I never had to begin with? Can I hold on to what I never possessed?

Midyear Mumblings

"And as paralyzing and upsetting as all the never agains were, the final leaving felt perfect. Pure. The most distilled form of liberation.... It is so hard to leave - until you leave. And then it is the easiest...thing in the world." - Quentin Jacobsen in Paper Towns by John Green

 It's the middle of the year. I would say time has flown except that would mean I saw it fly. I clearly didn't. Who knew (besides the entire human race) that about than six months ago we saw fireworks marking the beginning of 2014. Slightly more than six months ago, it was 2013.

Time is relative to the beholder. I've come to a personal love-hate relationship with relative time. Though we've learnt to measure time down to the last microsecond, we still don't really understand how time is perceived. We've put time in a box, but somehow time still slows down when you are bored and speeds up when you are late for an important meeting (with some friends at a mamak store. Okay, maybe not so important). Time also seems to jump. One second, you are living in January and the next: HELLO JUNE! But enough about time.

It is hard to believe that I've been at my job for six months now. It truly has been an amazing experience as a psychology tutor. Being a tutor allowed me a smooth transition from a student to an employee. It gave me certain familiarity along with something new. The transition is so discreet that even up to today I have people ask me what I'm doing and I say working in HELP and they would say, 'oh, still in psychology?' and I would have to correct them. The switch from marking papers instead of writing them have taught me a valuable lesson about why a standard format is a blessing in disguise. Knowing what goes on behind the offices have given me a fresh appreciation of the entire education process.

Six months in and six months to go. At least that is what my contract states. Recently, I was given an opportunity to continue on and I was faced with a whole new dilemma that I wasn't expecting until maybe the end of this year. I had it all planned out. A personal retreat somewhere near the end of next month to reevaluate everything, but no. An answer was needed. So everything had to move up a month. No more personal retreat in some quiet highland with a notebook on the table and a pen in my left hand jotting down my goals for 2015. No more listening to the quietness of nature. No more smelling fresh air to relax my senses in the hopes of receiving a vision of my future. An answer was needed.

So a life plan map was drawn along with a pros and cons list. And all my fears came down to one thing: I was afraid.

Afraid of leaving the safety of a life (and company) that I have known for half a decade. Afraid because my future outside these four walls are not guaranteed. Afraid because I know I eventually have to leave. Afraid that staying would mean missed opportunities. Afraid that leaving would mean missed opportunities. Afraid that I'm making a mistake. Afraid that I'm rushing a decision. Afraid that the The Three-Year Plan would be compromised. Afraid. Just basically afraid.

After an enormous hair-pulling, life-evaluating, brain-stimulating, time-consuming session of reflection. I reached a conclusion: That life has been pretty good to me. I've had opportunities thrown towards me. There has always been support from family and friends and there will always be. I realize that though I may have to say goodbye to something that I've cherished for far too long, I have to face the reality. The reality is: I can't stay here forever. I have to move on. And reading Paper Towns over the weekend, consulting my father and friends about the issue. Basically being able to just rant and talk about it has brought out the obvious decision that I have to make.

This post actually sounds like one of those posts you write when you're leaving the next day in some reminiscent fashion and I think that I shall now change the tone of this post from a "I'm leaving" post to a "I made a decision" post.

I learnt through this weekend that I had people I can call upon for life advice. I learnt through this weekend that taking a step away from the fast paced life doesn't necessary mean going on a vacation (my living room sufficed). I learnt through this weekend that there are some variables that you just cannot manipulate. I also learnt that queuing up for a burger is much more fun with company (but that's another story).

So I don't know how the rest of the year is going to play out, but I intend to make the best use of my time in this job that I have learnt to appreciate. And who knows what 2015 is going to hold?

Scrambled

Currently, thoughts are in a mingled bunch of knots that I can't seem to be able to untangle. There has been issues I have to work out these past few months that has to do with personal development. The future is cloudy. I feel like I brought this on myself. As what they said in Inception:

"An idea is like a virus, resilient, highly contagious. The smallest seed of an idea can grow. It can grow to define or destroy you."

So now I'm in a jam. Not because of something I'm avoiding, but because of something I'm entertaining. A thought, even the most unrealistic thought can grow like wildfire and the longer I wait, the harder it becomes to douse it.

Life is complicated. I've come to terms with it a long time ago. But how life affects me is defined by how I choose to react to situations. This was what I thought, but the older I become the more I realize that one is never in complete control of their being. Thanks to the component of feelings one can never truly be objective. One can never say that words will never hurt him.

And the funny thing is that sharing doesn't seem to be working. There are people who say that you should share your problems with people you trust and problems will start to disappear, but the more I share the more it seems that I'm letting my feelings do the talking. Which this is against my ideal "logical" self.


I'm confused. Between my head and my heart there is a discrepancy.

My consciousness is scrambled. With all the things that is happening right about now in my life, this wasn't the thing I was depending on to happen. Then I guess, it was just the right time for it to occur. Because life is a . 

Need an outlet, but the semester just started getting heavier.

Planning already to take a weekend away to set my mind right.

There's no space (and time) for over-thinking and doubts. No space right now to second-guess myself. Decisions have to be precised and with conviction. Closed doors need to remain closed doors and I need to get a grip of reality. I cannot let little things (those little things that spark emotions) to take over my thought processes.

I need to get a hold of myself.  

The Best Days of Our Lives are Behind us

And it was done. 

After pursuing something for so long (four years), taking a new step in a different direction seems rather awkward. 

27th April marked the official and ceremonial day in which I received my Bachelor's Degree, and as I sat there waiting in line for my ten seconds of fame, one thought ran across my head. The best days of my life is behind of me. You know how every lecturer and uncle tells you that the best days of their lives were always in University? Yea, so it seems that for me, it will be downhill from here. Why is it downhill? 

It's actually really simple. It goes downhill from here, because now, I stop taking from society and start contributing. I've been fed the spoils from my parents' work and swept the joys of generation before me. I'm not going downhill in the sense that I stop growing; I'm going downhill in the sense that before this, I was young and the world owed me a favor, and now, I owe the world. I was naive and was reckless; now I have to be wise and thoughtful. I must give more than I receive, I must serve more than I've been served, and I must make those who have come before me proud. 

Here I start giving back, but I cannot give without remembering those who have given in the first place. Those who have given and walked with me on this four year journey that began at HMC and exploded when I entered the department of Psychology are many indeed. 

Here I say my thanks to those who were by my side even for a short while, to those who shaped my very character, to those who knew I could do better, to those who encouraged, and to those whom I shared this road with. Now we bid goodbye to the constant meetings with a hope that the friendships that we form will go beyond the convenience of our degree life. I bid farewell with the confidence that you are all not only a part of the best days of my life that is behind me, but the best days of my life before. Because I know that the days we spend together will be those best days. 

It has come to the part in which I want to stretch out my personal thank you to those of whom I am referring to above. 

To my family:

I was never easy to work with; never easy to listen. Yet you pulled through. You put through all my nonsense and stubborn stands. You stood through all my rebellious bouts and grand ideas. I wouldn't have prayed for a better God-fearing and steadfast group of people to be my anchor when I go astray and compass when I lose track of what's important. 

To the Faculty:

My degree journey would not be complete without the wise guidance of my lecturers who seem to actually take time to know you on a personal level instead of staying high in the academic clouds. Throughout my years as a 17 year old kid from HMC to the 21 year old degree-wielding graduate, I've come across people who have shaped me tremendously by providing a personal touch with their professionalism.

To those in HMC: Thank you to Ms. Ida Jamil, who told me that she expected a HD from me, Ms. Selena Ong, who was friendly though strict (And definitely prepared me for Ms. Winnee in the following year), Mr. Joel, who walked a line of integrity in his life and showed that a man of God could do more in a classroom than a pulpit, Mr. Murali, who showed me that it was okay to be a little geeky, and Ms. Annie, who even though never taughtt me in the classroom, taught me nonetheless.

The Degree Life: When I entered degree life I was first overwhelmed by sheer numbers. I thought that the personal contact with lecturers which I had in HMC was gone, but I was proven wrong. Throughout the three years, I've come to admire and respect the people who stood in front of the class and taught me through a microphone (and without one).

To Ms. Winnee, my thesis supervisor, statistics lecturer, and current boss, thank you for your patience and guidance especially throughout my thesis year. I know I was rather annoying with the daily emails when I panicked because I thought my thesis was in jeopardy, but you still replied with patience nonetheless. You are definitely the only lecturer I know that can keep us at the edge of our seats during stats class. I'm going to miss hearing and being traumatized by "Question 1".

  

Credits to Ong Chia Wei

To Dr. Goh Chee Leong, thank you for giving me a second chance at pursuing psychology and for inspiring lessons in life. I will not be here now if not for your guidance. I can still remember you giving a 4 hour long crash course on psychology about 5 years ago when I participated in the Psych Challenge. Thank you for taking time off you uber busy schedule to continue to lecture.

To Dr. Anasuya, my biggest regret is sitting in your class only in my final semester of my final year. Even though you've only taught me for one class, that class has definitely left a huge impact on me. Your class taught me that the final exam wasn't important, it was the learning journey that we should cherish, and I did cherish the thought-provoking, brain-picking, and sophisticated discussions held in class. I know how much you hate big classes, but I'm definitely encouraging people to at least sit in one of your classes.

Last but definitely far from least, to the Fellow Psychos of Jan'11:

We made it (some of us just a little faster, but no wiser). I definitely could not have wished for a more complete bunch of friends that we have come to be along the way. I want to thank you all for tolerating my nonsensical and lame humor and for giving this "small boy" a place in your social circles. 

To Justin, the bro, the wingman, and tai kor, thank you for every piece of advice you've given me, for tolerating my ranting, and for teaching me "the YOLO way of life". Though I'm quite bummed by the fact that we cannot graduate together, I'm thankful that you took the time to even make it for the event. Here's to all "the other nights" and all the nights and days to come. I don't know if I show it, but I definitely look up to you as my friend and my adviser in life.

To Ong Mei Li (Millie Ong), I always saw you as the smart girl who would not want to hang out with the small fries, and you proved me wrong. I always adored your down-to-earthness and your ability to genuinely care for people. Thank you for looking out for me, and going the extra mile. I'm a little sad that you won't be joining the few of us to tutor, but I know that you are going to be a phone call away. 

To Alvin Tea, thank you for being the statistical brain among our group of guys. I know for a fact that I wouldn't be standing here in this gown if not for your love for the subject. All the best in your future endeavors and keep up with your healthy routine. I will be there when it is your turn to wear the robes. 

To Lu Yi Chang Lu Lu, as I recently told you, you are one of my closest friends in Uni. Thank you for putting up with me emo face, listening when I needed someone to talk to, and cheering me up when I needed it. I cherish our friendship and I wish you the best in your career plan! 

To Eunice Foo, thank you for being the cheerful one in times of struggles. You are one of the few people whom I know I can trust. I pray that your genuineness and selflessness will continue to be your superpower in the workforce!

To William Saw Kian Ann, the burger buddy and fellow assignment mate. I admire the way that you always somehow got things done. Thank you for being part of the five-men crew which started from 106 all the way to the end. 

To Shyvonne Lee, the makan buddy and the good friend, I'm going to miss our endeavor for food the most, bracing umbrella breaking rain just to get a good roti pisang. Thank you for being a constant friend that I can call upon to have random chats with. I will be there screaming when you go on stage to get your scroll next year. 

To Adeline, the fellow room vagrant, I'm thankful for your genuine heart that always finds time for other people. I mean what I say when I say that you are the ***** of the bungalow in a completely good way. 

Because I'm sleepy I need to speed this up. 

To Ross Stephenson, Munyan, Su Han, Jonathan Lee, Shyuan, Valerie, Shu Li, Wai Meng, Grace Chee, Kylie, Jay Aaron, Hevind, Vania, Vinnie, and countless others who have contributed to my degree life, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. 

As I say goodbye to the best days of my life, I look forward to the other best days of my life and I'm pretty sure that many of you will be sharing those best days with me.