The Next Three Steps

The four-year plan has been accomplished. When I first walked into the orientation hall on the second day of 2010, the four-year plan was implemented. The four-year plan entailed completing my foundation year without any hindrances. An unfortunate miscalculation occurred in the first semester when I failed calculus and therefore had to take on more than I could chew in the subsequent two semesters just to finish the Foundation program in time for step two of the four-year plan. And I managed to pull through. Entering the psychology degree in HELP exactly a year after I first stepped into HELP as a foundation student was more than satisfying. I knew that the four-year plan was still in action, and that if I work hard enough, I just might be able to finish my degree in three years. First year passed by in a blink of an eye until I was faced with my first dilemma - friendships. I had to choose between taking on heavier workload, or follow my friends into extending a semester. I chose to take on the pressure and managed to barely survive balancing the coursework of 5 subjects and the subsequent two semesters, before I reached year 3. Year 3 went on rather smoothly except for the technical glitch in my Thesis that had me fearing that I could have to repeat my semester again. But thankfully that wasn't the case, and after deciding to push through my final semester with much rumination, I sit here today typing these words as a psychology graduate, and more importantly as a person who has accomplished his four-year plan.

And so like most adventurers after finishing a deary quest, the question on my mind is: What's next?

As of now my future is a blur, but if it's one thing the four-year plan has taught me, it is to always plan ahead. After much deliberation, a plan has been formed. A three step plan that would at least cover the next three years of my life unless something remarkable happens - I find my passion. This next three years will include my testing out of various job environments that a psychologist would venture into in order to find out my interests and what I really want to do with the rest of my life. I began implementing my three-step plan at the end of the four-year plan. With encouragement from my academic superiors, I have signed a one-year contract to be a graduate tutor. This job would expose me to the kind of lifestyle an academic would have as well as allow me to build my rather small network of contacts. Since education has been what I've been doing all my life, it felt natural to begin with what I was most comfortable with.

The following two years are undecided but the plans to venture into the corporate and event world seems likely. Basically these next three years will be used to explore possible work options for my future, and more importantly indicate an idea as to what I may pursue postgraduate. The three-year plan is not set in stone and it is only in the initial stages of planning. If by some remarkable phenomena, I find my passion before the three years are up, then the three-year plan might have to be cut short.

So as for now, I'm taking these next three steps in good faith that the God who has brought my four-year plan into completion will bless these next three steps. I trust also in the lessons that the last four steps have taught me and in the friendships that have followed me through. Here's to the next three steps!

Gone are the Youthful Years

"When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me."

- 1 Corinthians 13:11

I remember quite fondly the first time I stepped into my degree life not so long ago. I clearly remember hunting down familiar faces and sticking with them. I also clearly remembering that the person that I thought didn't want to have any conversation with me became my best bro. The youthful years have passed.

This year marks the end of many things. And as it so often is with may endings, they make new space for new beginnings.

Gone are the years of Degree Life. They have sped by like a sparrow fleeing a hawk. It felt like just yesterday that we were all strangers in that little crowded room eyeing the faces of our future friends. Now here we are three years after. We've definitely changed. People moved on, people stayed, and I'm glad for every one of them. I'm glad for the new friends especially - for the gang of psychos that I know will go far in life. These psychos are the ones who have taught me the most in life. They have taught me that age is no restraint. They have taught me what it means to look out for one another. They have taught me the importance of balancing studies and leisure. They have taught me to have an end goal in mind. They have taught me that it is better to focus on building relationships that matter. They have taught me how to correct without hurting. They have taught me how to have a good time. I owe them all greatly. I would name them but it would only spoil the mystery. You psychos know who you are.

Gone are the years of sidelines. This year as a leader of a youth group has taught me the importance of many things. The importance trust and the importance of planning. The importance of correcting without discouraging. The importance of peace and the importance of supporting. The importance of teamwork and the importance of grace. The importance of bridges and the importance of bonds. The importance of strong leaders and the importance of following.

Gone are the years of idealism. This world is greyscaled, and it is time I realize that.

Gone are the years of ignorance. This nation won't change unless it starts with me.

Gone are the years of waywardness. It is time to know what I want and set a goal to reach it.

Gone are the years of wandering. No more time to waste as the youthful years have passed.

Pretty sure that there are many facets of the youthful years that need some doing away with, but the rest remains personal. All in all 2013 was an eventful year in which true colors were revealed and realizations were met. Though some things that were realized aren't really the nicest colors in the world, I shall accept them all as lessons nonetheless. To the people who have stuck by me throughout this year, thank you for being part of this journey of growing up. To the people who joined in my journey this year, welcome aboard and let's learn together. To the people who have gone away, may we meet again on better terms.

So Youthful Years, I bid thee farewell as next year shall herald in the beginning of working life *shudders*

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed.

"...And I will swallow my pride...and I'm saying goodbye..."

- A Great Big World

It has been awhile. It has been awhile since I've felt like I was in control of myself. Sometimes, you get caught up in the comings and goings that you forget that you are suppose to be an agent - a catalyst - instead you realized that all you've been doing was following the predetermined motions set in place by society. You find you need to remind yourself to smile when you're talking to people (hide away your cluttered brain full of doubts and criticism) and just attempt to survive with a decent conversations. You find you need to remind yourself to be excited about certain activities (even though it seems that you aren't even important in those activities) that this event is not about you. You find you need to constantly keep track of what you're doing as you're constantly shifting between consciousness and unconsciousness. You find yourself waking up (as if from a dream) in the middle of a road, in the end of a lecture, and even in the midst of friends. You find yourself drifting off. You're losing that connection. You're losing that essence of humanity known as empathy. Your critical brain is screaming hypocrite but you know better than to say it out loud. Instead, you hide with an awkward laugh, and a polite smile.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed? Oh mind, how often have ye been deceived? 

As often as I would like to think that I'm analytic and conscious with my decisions, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that I'm smart, I know I often am not. As often as I would like to think that every decision I make has been thought through with much deliberation and the consequent action that was made is the best and most logical option, I know it often is not. Time and time again I'm deceived by the eyes. The eyes see and the eyes want. It is only natural to want things, but it often is not ever wise.

You were the first to deceive my eyes and ever since then, you've continued to do so. Though my mind knows the truth that cognition will never allow such a pairing, the eyes continue to hope. Like a yo-yo, the thought of giving up has come and gone for more often then they should. I keep turning on myself.

It has reached the point that it has to come to an end. No more compromises. The decision for that possible future has been closed for the undetermined future. It has gone on too far. Bouncing probabilities and playing myself to near drainage. It's time to let go and open up other doors. Can't keep hoping on a bad bet. Can't keep holding on to narrow chances.

Oh eyes, how often have ye failed, but I have not lost my trust in thee.

Never realized how important cognitive compatibility was until this lesson. Never realized that people with so much potential can choose to play it down and accept stagnation. Never realized that qualities that I can't bear to see, are so abundant around me.

How to kill your own mood...

I've done it again. I've managed to take a completely innocent situation and make it about how the world is against me. I've managed to find the fault in the conversations and I haven't even started trying...my brain just does the killing. And I cause myself unnecessary anxiety and grief. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I doubt so much? Can I blame introversion for this again? No. I know I can blame society or the people around me, but it becomes counter productive because by blaming everyone around my social circle, I create a social gap that is filled by my complaints that ultimately pushes society away from me. I don't want that. But I don't want to be left behind either. And that is how I kill my own mood.

When friends talk about their trips to go this place and that, the automatic thing I say is 'bo jio' and that is often followed by their explanation on why I wasn't invited in the first place (eg. Aren't you busy? You just went there. We thought that you wouldn't want to go. Oops, we forgot.) and these explanations often translate into the same thing in my brain which is: You're not invited or We don't want you there. Because even if you genuinely forgot to invite me, it means that I wasn't on that invite list to begin with.

And that becomes a blast to the self-esteem. Might as well throw me down a social ladder down to the pit where all the other social outcasts belongs because being remembered is pretty important in my book. When I'm not remembered, some leaf of hope that sprang forth from actually feeling accepted withers away. When I'm not given a voice to speak, that branch where that leaf grew from falls to the ground.

Yes, it's probably me. Just like every other thing that has been happening. I don't deny that my overthinking has something to do with it, but I have to jut in that the overthinking seed was planted  by situations. The reason why I don't feel accepted is from years and years of feeling left out.

Even right now as I type these words, I'm all alone in a classroom-sized room. Right next door is probably 20 of my fellow classmates (I hear by voice and see via a small gap in the door)... Not their fault that there's something more entertaining on the other side, but the thing I can't get out of my head is, why didn't anyone bothered to invite my over? Why?

So yes, I can conclude that my overthinking has gotten a hold of me, it's not their fault...that they planned a trip and forgot to invite me. It's not their fault that they cut me out of conversations. It's not their fault that I take things too sensitively. It's not their fault that I'm an introvert and that I "supposedly" prefer isolation even though conversations are all I crave for.  It's my fault for thinking about it. It's my fault for being sensitive. It's my fault for listening to their great times they had at that place in which I wasn't invited. It's my fault for needing to be remembered. It's my fault for overthinking. It's my fault for killing my own mood. It's my fault...

Why I seem to enjoy big groups

Just the other day, I was over at a friend's house with a big bunch of friends for swimming, and when the host and I sat down for a bit, I was asked this question: Why do I like big groups? I had an answer ready, but then another person came along and I didn't get my chance to answer. Since, I'm a person that needs closure, this post will have to suffice.

So why do I seem to enjoy crowds? Before we take on that question, I feel it should be right to introduce my background. At my core, I'm an introverted homeschooler. So for the most part, I'm not supposed to like "crowds". I'm supposed to be emotionally drained from all the socializing. I'm supposed to lurk in a corner with my face in a book or tablet. I'm not supposed to like a big bunch of people surrounding themselves and stretching my attention thin, wearing me out, and denying me the one-to-one attention introverts crave for.

It's easier to hide in big groups
Yes, when it all comes down to it, I find groups attractive mainly due to the fact that not all the attention is on you. You are "part" of the group, but not necessary need to be a "contributing" member. I can hide and "recharge" without missing anything in big groups because the group's attention is volatile. I do a lot of starring in big groups. I do a lot of observing. I can be completely ignored in big group yet feel like I was part of the conversations with just an occasional nod of my head.

Big groups have more doing and going
Big group activities are easier to plan. They are almost always mostly pre-planned, and have very little room for error. As a person who likes my days booked beforehand to avoid an unnecessary rescheduling, having pre-planned activities such as bowling, swimming, hiking, and even just visiting a house clears up my anxiety by a lot because I can mentally prepare for the coming conversations, traditions, and other social habits. Big groups are more predictable.

Less socially awkward situations 
If I was in a small group, every socially awkward thing I do is multiplied by infinity, while in a big group, they may hardly even be noticed. There's just too many people around that like my first point mentioned: I can hide.

Big groups make me feel like I'm part of something bigger
There's no better feeling than feeling that you're doing something big in your life, and being part of a big group somehow replicates that feeling that you're part of something bigger. It doesn't matter if it's your movie group or mamak buddies, just the act of doing something with a whole bunch of other people has an euphoric feeling attached to it. And that's probably why a lot of people do crazy things in groups (insert diffusion of responsibility lecture).

Big groups means there're less people left out
Being once the guy who felt left out, I always try to make it a point to make sure that everyone feels a belonging. I feel bad when I see people I care about left out, and that is the reason why I normally end up planning big events that eventually flop. When I see mutual friends posting about group hang outs that I wasn't invited to, I feel rather down. BO JIO. And I wouldn't wish that on people I care about.

There's never a conversation that I can't join
Another reason I like big groups is the fact that they consist of smaller groups. Many-a-times I feel rather left out in my social circles when people start talking about government school and stuff that I was never a part of. When this situation happened, I would walk away and join another conversation. There's almost always a group of people that I can join, and in this way, I won't feel too left out.

I don't know any other way

After all the plus points about why I "enjoy" bigger groups, the truth is that, big groups are the only way I know how to go. For all my life, my social gatherings have always been about the quantity. From youth groups to college groups, most of my conversing life has been in big groups. It was only recently that I starting attending smaller scaled gatherings. Before this, I wasn't the one to be invited to these "exclusive" functions, but being able to join smaller groups has made me realize how much I'm actually missing. I'm slowly learning how to communicate in a smaller circle.

So to conclude, it's not that I love crowds and prefer them over smaller groups, it's just that I've not had the proper opportunity to mix at a smaller scale. I do not enjoy big groups over small groups, but I guess I need to brush up on my one-to-one if I am to communicate more effectively in smaller groups.

And just as I thought I was in the clear

...the thing called life catches up with a vengeance.

When I exited my final paper last Friday, I felt relieved - I felt alive once again. One big burden lifted from my chest, but it was only temporary. You see, while one burden was over, it was replaced by another pressing burden in this never ending cue of burdens waiting to receive your attention. In between there, I realized that I've lost myself. I became a creature of doing and not of thinking. Going through the status quo - following routine. Why? Because I've known no other life.

As far back, I've been taught that if I'm not studying, I'm working, and if I'm not working, I'm studying. I've been educated to the rat race of society in which living is only worth it if you are earning. And it is essentially no one's fault. It's no one's fault to believe that money = progress. It's no one's fault to think that there's no other life worth living than an earning one. But this is where I begin to lose my grip on reality.

Being caught up in this rat race, I've lost track of what I love. They say that the happiest people in the world are the one's who do what they love for a living, but due to various reasons including age, race, and opportunities, the things I really love doing are not enough to make a living here. So my dreams are fulfilled by the opportuned and the spoilt, while I live their worst imaginable nightmares (at least work towards living that nightmare).

This is predominantly an Asian thing (By 'this', I mean the whole work for pay and pay for work cycle) and I'm often envious of other cultures being allowed to go out and 'explore' the world - to discover who they are, what they love, where they belong. I'm envious at the fact that I probably would never be allowed that freedom - that freedom to feel no weight on my shoulders to be truly free from all responsibilities, to feel absolute bliss. I'm envious that the more I look into the future, the more bleak it seems - I see an unhappy and stressed out Reuben sitting behind a desk typing random things into a computer with an endless pile of paperwork next to him. I see a tired Reuben struggling to force a smile when he reaches home to his family. I see a worn-out Reuben who is complaining about the system but eventually accepts it as unchanging. I see a defeated Reuben whose mind is full of "what-ifs" and regrets.

I don't wanna be that sad little cooked up kid. I feel that I've been prepared for more than just being boxed up. I believe that I've been prepared for a borderless reality with unlimited opportunities, but things are just weighing me down. With expectations of a better life comes with it the anxiety of failure, and sometimes just thinking of the failure is enough.

What I need right now is a reflective getaway. I want to get out into a mountain and look down on the entire Klang Valley and say "everything is so minute". I want to be able to see that my problems aren't that big a deal and that I can overcome them. I want to be able to climb a mountain look down and see everything in a different perspective. I want to seek God and beg him to reveal the plans he has for me. But all these wants can never truly be met because of one thing: Time. I won't be able to find the time for solitude (not this year anyways). I won't be able to find time to let alone breathe. So I have to work with what I've got. I have to cherish the little amount of me time I have and pray that it is enough for personal growth. I have to constantly take away all distractions to allow myself time to think.

I'm not in the clear with regards of my future, and I'm pretty sure that I'll never be truly clear, but I'm just hoping, praying, that some light will be shed on this future that seems to be all bleak and lonely.

Overwhelmed

I seriously need to learn to say no to some things.

There's no time to breathe, there's no time to think. And I'm resorting to working on instincts.

Can't wait for the holidays to begin. At least it takes away some of the academic stress and gives me something thinking time to fix my thesis.

Bye..