Nothing like this

Came back from the PK camp revived with a passion that I've lost :) As I think back about those short three days, I don't remember much except for the thick and mighty presence of God.  He lives! I've never felt Him so real and so clearly before and there's just nothing like this.

God is great and I was amazed at the moment the first session started.  The worship was nothing I've ever experienced or ever thought possible. I want to bring this worship to my church now. I'm amazed at the miracles of the camp.

I found it great to be with people that have similar struggles... it's great to know that you are not the only one.  I'm amazed at the number of PKs there are!

It's definitely one of the most influential camps I've ever attended and I know that I am changed...I'm doing my best to be the person He wants me to be!

After a week since the camp, I cannot say that I have been a perfect and holy person and that I did not sin and all, but I'm more aware of my faults now. Everytime I make a "boo-boo" I realize it quickly and try to patch it up.  I'm now not afraid to apologize anymore; my ego (which many of you who know me know that it's pretty huge) has died down.

I'm waiting on the LORD and I am continuing to doubt my doubts! :)

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart :)

It wasn't last Christmas; it was two Christmas' ago. It wasn't during Christmas; it was close though. :)

I was rash and tried to rush things through. 

You were wise and saw the truth.

I was naive and moved without thinking.

You were hurt and busy coping.

Well, that was my past.  When I did things without thinking and now I regret.  Well, I know that we will never be, but you will always be my "almost".  I finally deleted our messages this year and I'm ready to stop regretting.  I want to thank you for showing that I have a chance in life. I want to thank you for actually considering a young and naive fool like me. I want to thank you for showing me what it means to wait. I really mean it: THANK YOU :) 

I will miss the times when we danced and sms'd all day, but they will be cherished memories :)

Happy 19th birthday, girl girl (haha...now I realize how childish was I to give you that name) and I hope that you find a good person who'll take good care of you. :D

Harsh Reality

When you are the law, who's above you?

Watched the Experiment. It's a movie version of the famous Zimbardo prison experiment that took place in Stanford College.  The difference with this movie is that the recruits were anybody who wanted money and the place was far from any civilization.  This movie is super disturbing especially for me as I know what happened during the real experiment.  

Some of the questions that are jumping around my head are: Since we know about this experiment, would the results be the same if there was a similar experiment on social roles?, Could things have gone better if the prisoner and guards were assigned opposite?, Why didn't the experimenters stop the experiment earlier?

I was hoping that the red light would turn on so many times, but the movie kept on going. When the red light finally blinked, I could feel the relief of everybody there. It reminds me of the movie Lord of the Flies. Both these movies are there to show what humanity is capable of at our darkest moments and this in particular scares me the most.  Can I still depend on friends to save me when we are all in trouble? Can I count on myself to put others before me? 

It's not really a good movie to watch when you want to sleep ><

Tuesday

Tuesday marks the end of my first year in degree.  I'm glad with the people that I've met, the experiences that I went through, and also the past that remained faithful.

It's hard to believe that it's been three semesters already with this bunch of fun people.  I've never really thought that I would make such a big difference in such a big intake.  I thought I'd be the quiet nerd who would sit in front of the class and listen attentively to the lecture.  I never thought that I would make so many friends from all walks of life.  I never thought that I would have the chance to do so many things. I never thought that I would go out so much. I never knew that I would be one of the more recognizable ones in the intake. I never knew that we could grow so close to fast.  I never knew that I would fall on the first day. I never knew that I'd change so much. I never knew that this degree life was going to be such an influence.

To recap the year, I can see that I've changed from being exclusive to being inclusive. I remember in the beginning of the first semester how the foundation gang was so exclusive. But soon we opened up to more people.  it started with those who would sit around us, and soon we kinda expanded.  I remember how I personally met up with everyone of the degree-mates, if you don't remember you can ask me :)

The only sad result of the second semester was the withdrawal of my best mate, and I was forced to do things on my own, but I guessed it was for the good. I needed to stop depending too much on people.  During the second semester I sat with two different groups and was shifting between the two a lot. I guess it's a good thing to widen your field of friends, but the walking was a little too much.

Though the third semester barely changed anything, I can see that the experiences that I have learnt this year has helped me to be better in many ways.  I'm not socially awkward anymore (Well, not too much anymore). I'm definitely more confident around people and my introvertness seems to be balancing with my extroversion now.

Sadly, many will be going overseas, but hopefully we won't be forgotten :)

It's a wonder that the time has passed by so fast.  And I know that the next two years will be marked with just more and more fun as we grow closer :)

Cheers to a better year!

The new hair

...I dun really like it, but it has its benefits. Benefits like not having to wait too long for it to dry, not needing to scrub my head so much anymore, and feeling cooler. These are the only biological benefits, but I like the physical benefits more.

The comments from people the day I cut it was funny.  There were some who couldn't even look me in the eye because they were too busy looking at my hair. Another funny incident is when I tapped someone on the shoulder and he stared at me for awhile before realizing it was me. HAHA...I'm starting to like that.  Maybe I should continually change my hair style...in this way I'll get so much more attention :P

Well, the feedback is more positive than negative - only positive come to think of it.  The only problem with this hairstyle is maintenance.  When I'm lazy and let it be, it'll just stand in all the wrong places.  Oh well, it's the price I pay I guess.

Well more importantly, I'm really glad that you like it :) That was more than enough for me to decide to keep this hairstyle. I think I should have changed much much much earlier.  From all the compliments I'm getting I think I'm gonna keep this :D

I won't post any pictures up, you want to see, you come to me x)

With you, it's nothing but awkwardness

I hope you'll never read this, or when you do, you're already mine *dreams*

It's been a year since we met.  I was the first person who spotted you when you walked into that orientation room.  How could I have known that you were already taken? Of course, with you being so pretty and all, I should have known.  Eh, I was stupid.  It's funny that Hevind called dibs first and we were like fighting for who gets to talk to you first, but being the good guy he is, he passed his "dibs" to me.  But it took almost an entire semester before we really started talking.

At first, I waited for you to appear on Facebook.  When I saw your "In a relationship" status on Facebook, I rationalized and said that maybe you didn't want guys to chase after you, but when I found your second account, in which it said "in a relationship with ____, I didn't know how to react.

I tried my best to be your friend, maybe trying too hard. I actually wonder whether you noticed it at some point, but maybe all guys speak to you like that :/

I remember always checking the online friends on facebook for your name to pop up.  I'd wait for five minutes, before talking to you (just in case, I became too obvious) - Talking to you was the most productive thing I did in Malaysian studies :) We had our 1st lunch ever in Chillax. I remember that I found out a lot about you there.  I'd always go to the library to pester you because I would know where you'd be hiding.  I remember walking you to the library and helping you carry your things because you were not used to your heels.  I remember asking you to eat many times and actually inviting myself to lunch with you at UOA (The first time we ate together alone).  I remember a lot of things...

After these months, I can conclude that it'll be pretty awkward always around you. Mainly because I don't want you to hate me. I'm planning everything I say to you.  

I'm not going to ruin the happiness you've found with your partner. I'm not even going to try.  I don't want to be the reason to end your happiness.  I won't do anything, but be your friend.  

If ever (a super duper big humongous gigantic IF, but I hope it'll never happen because it means your broken heart) you find yourself alone, I will try then.  But as a friend first. 

Here's to another year together. I wish nothing but the best for you :) 

Tension in the air

The whole family is stressed now...because one person is stressed.

Until this tension is over, we practically do our best not to interfere with anybody.
We seem to be living separate lives now.

Doesn't seem right...I don't like this kind of freedom :/

I really hope this tension will stop soon

--------------------

On a brighter note, the weeks have been blowing past rather amusingly fast.

I'm starting to fit in, I'm starting to feel belonged, but it's not easy...it never was.

Meeting people from all walks of life and having to cope with various situations has actually left me emotionally drained.  I realized that I can't cry anymore...we'll according to some people, that's a good thing.  I don't find joy in many things anymore. LAME jokes are not as lame as they used to be and humor seems to be lacking.  I have no idea why I feel this monotonous issue.  It's like I don't like to exist anymore.  I'm fed up with monotonousity (if that is a word). I'm bored of everything.  The schedules, the routines.  I'm tired of planning. 

I wonder why? I have never been a happening person to begin with, so why the tension? Even though I'm having tons of me-time, I still have not have any personal time.  I tell myself I'll do something productive today (The biggest lie I've told).  My mind just doesn't want to work.  It doesn't want to move. Am I tired? Frustrated? If so, from what? 

From? 

The girl that I have just given up trying to get?

The family that is going through some tension?

The university and all the schedules and expectations?

The church and all the responsibilities?

Myself for all laziness and time wasting?

The friends that I wear masks in front of?

The smile that I force upon my face?

The lack of sleep?

My kayu and robotic-ness?

...

Gah, too many factors to rule out one at a time

Time to sleep before I spill too much