Urgent

This writer is looking for a bunch of friends and a trip away from the schedule of life before he explodes because of monotonousness...

Getting less sleep even though I have less stress.  It's not the stress anymore, it's the lack of interaction.  I want to just hang out without an agenda.  Just a bunch of trustable people and nothing more.

I don't want to plan everyday, I want to spend everyday thinking: "Hmmm, what can I do today?"

The Awkward moment when...

This phrase is like the new and "hip" thing to say nowadays.  I don't like people who simply use the phrase.  I mean, sometimes things are not awkward at all.  Do these people even know what "awkward" actually means?
The word has been overused recently that saying it has made it kinda annoying.

Sometimes it has gone overboard like.

The awkward moment when...

...I dropped a chopstick.

...I saw my reflection.

...I broke a pencil lead??

I mean, catching your friend staring at you is not an awkward moment.

Now to another extreme: I know a few people who are really ANNOYED at the phrase. I mean, why get so worked up over words? It's only words and words are all I have to take...wait...off topic much?

Yes, it's just words! Don't get white hair over this mess.

I really feel that though, yes, it can get kinda bad sometimes, "The awkward moment..." is just a phrase.

This phrase is really useful for certain situations like:

"The awkward moment when the girl you likes asked you whether you had a boyfriend"

Now THAT was awkward :)

Who am I to you?

"Opinionated people never get heard; impulsive people never get the job done" 

The counselling sessions I've been having going for has really helped me to understand myself better.  I would love to share what I've learnt about myself, but that will only bore people to death.  

Things that I've discovered about myself:

1. I long for acceptance.

I compromise myself so that others would want to be with me.  I have a fear of rejection. This fear of rejection is also the reason for my need for knowledge.  The knowledge that I have gathered over the years was only for the sake of others.  I thought that knowing things would make people more interested in you...guess that hypothesis is flawed.  I'll walk a thousand miles just to keep my family and friends safe.  

This insecurity came from a mash-up of a few unrelated factors.  The first factor is my personality which is dominantly melancholic.  The second factor is the schooling environment I was brought up in which didn't give me many opportunities to socialize and the last factor is the fact that my family was in the process of searching for a new church.  Other people who go through the same schooling environment as me, have their religious institutions to help them mature, but I didn't have a stable group of friends at the time so this is why I prize acceptance above all.  I'm grateful for the friends that I have made since settling down in PJEFC and entering HELP.  They have tremendously helped me to feel more accepted.

2. I'm confused.

Mainly confused with my role in the family.  This has to do with the "Christian-Chinese" parenting I come from and also to do with me being a middle child.  The confusion happens when I have to balance being the "man of the house" and having an older sister.  

Another reason for confusion arises from my "Swan/Owl" personality.  The swan symbolizes creativity, impulsiveness, and emotion, while the owl symbolizes order, melancholy, and stability.  See the confusion there? According to a personality test, these two "birds" are on the same level in me.  So while the owl side fights for planning, my swan side yells impulse.  Rather confusing having these two personalities as my dominant ones.

That's all.  More and I'll probably start revealing too much :)

Young and Naive

These two words normally come hand in hand with each other.  Does that mean all youths are naive? Does that mean naivety can be only found in the young? Sure the youth tend to be naive at some point in time.  Sure, once  upon a time, we never questioned.  I mean I can't remember asking questions like "Who said that and is he or she credible?" Well, I didn't even know what credibility meant when I was young.  Everything was black and white.  It was either a truth or a lie.  I failed to ask, "why?" And it is only when you start questioning everything that you start developing a critical mind.

I vaguely remember being scolded for being curious.  When my parents asked me to get into the car, I would ask, "Where are we going?" When my parents told me that I could not do something, I would ask, "How come?" I was told to obey and maybe this is how naivety was developed? I do not know.

I find many people my age to be naive as well.  We seem to be mp3 players playing the same song over again. We rarely develop our own ideas and points, and we "borrow" ideas from people which we think are of authority.  Many of us claim that we are not naive but the funny thing is that claiming that you are not naive is being naive already.

So how are we to prove that we are matured? Mere words will not do.  People will always have a negative mindset catered towards the youth.  People will always think that the youths are naive. People will always think that we believe every word they say.  So how does that stop? Our actions must show that we are not naive.  We have to (I know it sounds cliche) think critically and maybe teach the world that stereotyping is not helpful at all.  We have to show the world that we can think for ourselves and know when to back down. We have to be matured and maybe others would bother listening to us.

Is it naive of me to think that naivety can be so easily broken?

Question everything; question everyone

Reality struck

"Reality is God's tool in showing you who's really in charge"

These past few weeks has been a blow on me...it's never easy loosing.  I've been feeling rather useless.  Loosing people and getting things stolen has really made me question my purpose.  What am I doing in this life? Sigh, I'm not sure of anything anymore...Four things happened that spurred me to write - write about reality.

I once thought that people could be trusted

My sister lost her phone in Uni.  I wasn't affected by it but I was more shocked at where it happened.  I mean it happened IN a University, IN an exam hall.  You could afford or at least deserve a scholarship to attend a private university.  Yet! You chose to steal?! You are in there to learn!? What are you gonna learn when you can even learn proper moral conduct? I mean, you probably KNOW who you stole from.  I hope your guilty conscience eats you up....really.  Until you can't eat or sleep unless you gave back what you stole.  People can't be trusted - that's the sad reality.  When opportunities arise, your emotions don't matter.  People are selfish.

I once thought that this Country was safe

My friend's car got broken into.  Sure, it was a mistake for him to leave his bag in the car. Sure, it was bound to happen.  But in a CITY? A "so-called" CIVILIZED area? Of all the times, you chose to steal, you chose to steal when he was MY guest?! I can't hate you, I don't know your background, but still, I can hope that guilt overcomes you as well! He was my guest! I brought him to that place. The fault is partly mine.  Reality has a funny way of bursting your safety bubble.  

An Uncle I'll never say Hi to

Uncle Raymond passed away rather suddenly and unexpectedly.  He was a good man.  All it took was a heart attack and he was gone.  I mean where's the justice in that? He deserved to have his family at his bedside as he said his farewells.  It's sad that I've lost another family member.  And the worst part about it is that I've never spoken to him as far as I can remember.  What's worst? Knowing an uncle who died, or never having the chance to speak to him?  This is my fault, for not initializing the conversation. Again reality woke me up.

Logos Hope

Thankfully, this last incident is not a depressing one.  A few volunteers came from Logos Hope to CUG and they shared about their time travelling the world and spreading the Word through education.  I was challenged that day.  What was I doing when these people can heed the Great Commission while I go out on my own heeding my OWN Commission.  What am I doing with this God that saved me?  I'm not sure what my plan is now.  But I'm thinking of pausing my education after my degree and maybe serve God and seek His calling.  

These events has been a rather big eye-opener.  I know I act like it doesn't affect me outside, but I mean - I'm human.  Life is important and I hate to see things go... These two weeks have thought me that - above every single thing in this large universe - God is in control. I've been depending on myself for too long. I've told God where to sit in my life.  I've been in charge of this life for too long and it's time a different Captain directs this life.  I've never felt so helpless in my life.  I was never prepared for these situations...

Eh

Don't feel like updating about my life anymore...

Don't feel like using this blog anymore...

Well, until I ever have the will to write again...

Sigh

Never felt so helpless in my life, God please give me strength to end this chapter.  


It was supposed to be a good week, it was supposed to be good...and lousy people have to ruin it.  I didn't know that this country was still so uncivilized. Have we progressed? How is it that people who can afford to enter a private university have the need to steal a handphone? How is it that people for live in a city have a need to break a window? 


Is there security left in this world? Are we still safe here? Is is better of to die now? Sigh.
Hate being useless...